Hi, its my birth day tody. Cool. So whats the plan for the evening. No plans. I am going through the usual feel-low-on-birthday syndrome. Birthday is always a day which makes me feel low. It reminds me of all the things I wanted to achieve by this date but failed…of all those people who have forgot me, those who don’t keep in touch anymore, of all the friends who are there but don’t care to arrange a party for me, of people whose birthday I remember but who forgot to even wish me, of my singlehood…birthday is basically a day of bad remembrance.
Ideally friend's should be celebrating the fact that I was born, rather than I myself arrange a party call everybody and tell them hey guess what? I was born let's celebrate. And my friends, forget about celebration they won't even get a gift for me if I don't throw a party. And I am not throwing a party for such friends any more. Not all of them though, I'd say Snigdha and kreeti are exceptions.
Sis didn't wish. Asked Dino out yesterday and he turned me down. Haven't wished me yet. Me going out alone somewhere now...would come back and frown more about my syndrome
One memorable birthday
There was this time when I had a huge crush on this guy Sujit. I thought it was love back then, though now when I look back, I don’t think it was. Anyway, so he didn’t wish me all through the day. I was sad. Do I not deserve this much? I asked myself in the evening. Just when my eyes were about to be wet the landline rang and I picked up the phone. It was him on the line asking for the location of my house. He was there for me with a surprise visit and a nice gift. I was overwhelmed. “I love surprises” I had told him earlier. I wanted to run and hug him when I opened the door. Madhu and her then boyfriend (now husband) came over too. We had a small party.
Sujit got married lives at a distance of 15 min from my place. Haven’t seen him for more than 4 years now. I remember his birthday every year. Wonder if he remembers mine.
Didn't move an inch from home all day. Was thinking of going out somewhere but felt unenthusiastic. Didn't meet anybody. All day spent in front of this stupid computer. No gift, no cards from nowhere, not even a cake. Was expecting a gift from sis. The least that she could do was say sorry that she didn't get any gift. Instead, what I got from her was her fundas (read shitty crap) on how gifts mean nothing, are actually for teenagers, am no longer in a age to expect gifts on birthday, "Just cause its your birthday doesn't mean I have to get a gift for you."
I recalled all those times gone by, each year I would think of a new surprise, would plan a month ahead and put all my energy time and resource to make her feel special. She was a kid then. Now she has grown up. Have her set of believes and understanding. Doesn't matter if I expect her to get me a gift, if she thinks its immature so it is. On her 16th birthday I made 16 colorful cards and hid them in 16 places in the house. Her and her friend's job was to find out all the cards each had a new message. The entire baccha party was so busy doing that and it was so much fun.
Another time most probably her 13th birthday, she was wanting to buy a music album of then popular band 'Aqua'. For months I kept telling her no they don't make good music, no point buying their album. She gave up hope of ever having that album. On the special day before she could even wake up I played the album at full blast. She went crazy with joy as she woke up to the tunes of 'Be Happy'. There was so much of love and emotion in the air. With time she has become mature and reserved. I can't see her emotions anymore and I am always wondering "are there any?"
One thing led to another and I had to cry. I only cry when I have a fight at home. The only people who can get tears to my eyes are my family for the simple reason that they are the only ones from whom I have some expectations. Let a 100 people forget my birthday I won't be as hurt as when 100s of them rembers but just one person from family forgets it.
That's how relationships are. Painful and complicated. You get hurt because you have expectations. But if you don't have expectations what good is that relationship.
Dino called at the end of the day. Knew he would. Sumit called from Bombay made me really really happy. Vipul and Gundeep called. Manoj smsd. Amit looking at my plight in the morning offered to take me out for a dinner. I, acting like a real jerk made him go around in stupid circle and then decided on a time and venue, only to cancell it at the nick of time. But whatever his sincere efforts to cheer me up made me really happy. Spoke to him for the first time. That guy talks so fast in so many languages. Shashant and Sri forgot. I smsd shashant and called sri. TF called in the evening to re confirm the venue for the xth DBM. She didn't know it was my birthday. Seema has been upset with me for a long time. She called too. Sid and Me sat online and told each other bout our special day. It was his birthday too. One sweet surprise call from Priya
Couldn't help thinking about MJ particularly towards the evening. Wish time had stopped back then on 23rd January 2004, few minuites past midnight, Durg.
That's how it was...my 29th birthday. Shit another year spent in vain.
Ok this is real bad...Riddhi especially came online to wish me at sharp 12, she also sent me an e-card and yet her name is in not in the list of those who wished...even more bad.. she left a comment reminding me about that fact to which I said "I would put an addendum"...I didn't do that...Now what's worse is, she still loves me...Its exactly this kinda unconditional love that one should be careful of...you always end up hurting these people the most...While you were sulking about having no one to care for you...some one was there standing with a smile giving her/his every thing and you didn't even notice...
Thanks Riddhi...love you too girl...