Tuesday, November 29, 2005

These day's I am reading the autobiography of Lord Denning. I too would be writing one na...so taking some tips from him... :D But of all the people why him. Well there's a reason. You know I feel a strange connection with him ever since I came to know that I shared my Birthday with him...I think I was Lord Denning in my past life (that can't be cause he was alive till 1999)

Me and Denning also happen to Share our birthdays with Netaji Subhash Chandra Bose.

Soon after marriage Prithviraj's Sanjukta decided to study law and aspired to become Lord Denning. In Law college she became a rebel bole to ekdum politician. You know khali pili dharna naare baazi...Udhar Md.Ghori attacked Prithviraj and captured him. Sanjukta called a meet of all her college mates and asked for their blood...matlab she formed an army and declared war against Ghori to resucue prithviraj...prithiviraj to was rescued but panga yeh hua that he got very confused about Sanjukta. Soch ne laga is this the girl I married. She seems to be having multiple personalities. But prithiraj's love was true, so he didn't mind the new avtaar of hers. And they lived happily ever after (well not really more tales to come)

Jees...isn't it enough of crap. Who the hell want's more.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Stupid fairy and Dear Nitish

The modern day bollywood is finally making a movie on the eternal Love of Sanjukta and Prithviraj Chauhan. Finally people would pronounce my name properly... I remember having read their love story when I was 6 or 7, in an Amar Chitra Katha comic. Can't remember much now just this bit, that this guy prithviraj was a King and he was in love with this girl Sanjukta. At 6 it wasn't really my fault if I thought that girl was me. So this king wanted to marry her. Ofcourse marry, TP dating, flirting, living in and stuffs weren't known at that time of the historical clock. As always some panga happened and their marriage didn't appear to be a easy job. Then this guy decided to abduct Sanjukta on her wedding day of course she had already given her consent to the plan.

I still remember the scene, which my mind had visualised at that age.....Sanjukta was probably standing at a palace gate or something, prithvijraj was on his horse, sword in one hand, the mighty horse running at a speed faster than wind...heading right at her direction, he comes close by and lifts Sanjukta with the other hand puts her on the horse and they elope....they must have lived happily ever after. I don't know but they must have.

Mom why did you buy the comic for me. And why did you have to name me Sanjukta. Do you realize what have you done to your daughter. This stupid girl still cannot accept that its just her name that's similar.

Stupid fairy and her stupid tales.............

Dear Nitish
Say, are we gonna see a new day
Please Nitish
when there's a will there's a way

‘Shreshtha Purush’– Rama
Prince Gautam and his enlightenment,
Mahavira and Nirvana
Kautilya and Arth Shastra
Moder art of State Craft
Ashoka and Eternal truth – Dharma
Amrapali and Sarvottam Nari – Sita
Civil Disobedience Movement

All born out of the same womb....Mother Bihar

They say History Repeats itself.

Will it, Nitish?
Has the day come
Can we get back the warmth of our mother's lap
We the sons and daughters of Bihar
Can we stop evacuating
Can we have civilization restored
Lots of hope on you
You the people’s representative
15 years is all it took

How long is it gonna take you?
No one ever got me flowers. Never.......... can you believe that??
There are more things about me which are unbelievable that you can possibly think of. And that's why I call it "This is my truth"...
Truth which is stranger than fiction,
Truth more scary and bewildering than fiction....
Once I can understand it
Twice I can let it be
Three times it one too many now
You'll have to do without me"

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Can Any body guess what is this???

I went ahead alone for the concert. My first ever Jazz concert, John Primer and The Real Deal Blues Band. It was good. Can't say if it was great or not coz I don't listen to a lot of Jazz.

Saw Harneet, and Mrs. and Mr. Deepan there. The world is small they say and if your areas of interest and subjects and places of hangouts is the same then the world becomes even smaller. I always knew this. Always knew I am gonna bump into Harneet at once such event. And like always I also knew he is never gonna even recognise me. Just the way Munish never did. The ideological differences were too much between me and Harneet so I guess we could never be friends...but I never wanted us to be strangers either. But you always don't have what you want. I would always be thankful to Harneet for introducing me to the blogger's community. Had it not been for him I wouldn't have attended any of the blog meets. Would always remember those long hours of chat...that one fun time when we had a non formal 'mini meet' (as Ravi puts it). Harneet, Ravi, Amit, Vivek and Me. Ironically, when I had joined the DBM the best welcome messages came from these people who now hate me. Deepan was so exited about my introductory mail. Amit and I had some intersting exchange of mails till the time we met in that informal meet. (after which for reasons unknown to me, we never called, or mailed or smsd) And then while the firefighting was going on between me and Harneet, the most malice ful mail was from Amit. He accused me of being responsible for the downfall of the group. He accused me of having creating nothing else but trouble for the group ever since I have joined.

Anyway I don't blame anyone...I know I am jinxed. I keep telling it to everyone but no body believes me. The closest you come the farthest you would be repelled.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

"Sab log dhyan se suniye, abhi aapko Room No. *** mein jaana hai. Wahan aapko ek written test dena hoga. 20 questions hoga sab ke char answer honge, teen galat ek sahi. Aap wahan jaayenge hamara pen dikhayenge, Aapko question bilkul nahi padna hai, kisi bhi ek option pe tick maarna hai. I repeat, quetions padke time waste mat kariye aapke peeche aur bhi log honge isliye jaldi se pen dikhaiyee, 18 question pe tick maarke jaakar bus mein baith jayenge. Shaam ko hamare office se learner license collect kar lena."
Check out my latest post on the Community BLOG "Bribe Rates for Delhi"

Suggestions, Ideas, Criticism...all welcome.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Its so disgusting...of all the friends I have, all the men I have known all my families, aquaintances...not a single person to accompany me to a Jazz concert. I am so sick and tired of bhatkofying at places all by myself. I so wanna go to this music show today in Garden of 5 Senses but can't ask anyone to come with me. Do I have such weird likes and dislikes that I never find a like minded person. Or is somthing horribly wrong with the people in Delhi...I am sure I would have had some company for all the things I like to do if I was in Bombay or Bangalore. Alas...when will that day come? Delhi has no culture but shopping... All my female friends today would be engrossed in their house hold work...will do laundry, shop for grocery, fight with husbands, cook eat and that's all. Can you people be a little different, can you not do some thing new and exiting. And the male friends S is busy attending a marriage, S2 most probably would be busy he mentioned about an about an office tour this weekend, A doesn't likes Jazz, M is missing for days and even if he was available he wouldn't have gone I know, D, I did a stupid mistake of kissing him so now he thinks we are not friends and somthing else and I wouldn't call him cause then he would start assuming more things about me. Haven't yet called G and P they might be interested but then there's another f*%^#$% trouble... I have this guy who tentatively asked me out for the evening. Now it would be great if he confirms it. If he doesn't confirms I can call G and P and find out if they are available....trouble is I am not sure when is this guy gonna confirm or cancel the evening plan. Shit what am I gonna do...

"I suggest Samy take out the damn car..drive around do a couple of things and go to the concert...what did Tagore said....when no body is answering your call...walk alone"

Of course you needn't tell me that I already know... If this guy calls fair enough otherwise I'd see if somone can make it at the last minuite otherwise I'd go alone...

I am leaving now you keep sitting with the stupid machine

Monday, November 21, 2005

And the clock struck 12

Presenting "Cinderella and her two hours love story" The wonderful exchange of mails between cinderela and the prince before the clock struck 12 .

Dear Cinderella (Fake name)

To cut through the crap this mail's connection can be traced to the "Best (Fake name) poets" and your sudden sphinx like silence. considering that that the esteemed forum has banned any sort of personal interaction as also spelling mistakes I am making this overture.

My incidental identitly matches yours if you remember i.e. lawyer. What are u bout and where. Please do reply.

Prince Charming (Fake name, hence forth fakely referred to as PC)
Dear PC

My silence on 'best' is kinda forced, i somhow don't identify with the way the list works...i mean its ok to say that personal communication is not allowed on the list but to object to a welcome message and ban it as too personal was a bit too much for me. I am talking about a mail RJ (fake) wrote to me and also cc marked you. I was kinda pissed off with that mail.

Besides that I find the poets on Best as a bunch of guys not so humble and kinda suedo...disagree with me as much as you can and want...the point is Best just didn't click with me. May be my level of poetry is not as high as the Bestians...

Me a lawyer as for now in corporate, still struggling to make a mark in my career, still suffering from identity crisis as to whether I am a social activist or a corporate bitch (u can read my blog on that) or just an ordinary girl…have worked for a while in a women’s rights organization then did some research activity in a strange place (will explain later) and now working with Fortis Securities Limited (wholly owned by Ranbaxy). No we don’t make medicines and don’t supply security guards. We are a stock broking company. Me a part of the Legal and Compliance Department.

Why am I on Bestpoets? I follow another mailing group that of the bloggers of which RJ too is a part. He had put this post about a "Best poet meet" last month which I attended for some reason still unknown to me. As a reward for attending the meet he added my name on the Best Poet's list. As far as poetry is concerned I do sometimes write some crappy lines which are found to be great piece of writing by people who are not part of Best or any other poetry circle (which explains), but have never dared to post any thing on the Best list except this one translation of a short para from Tagore’s Shyama…you must have read it in case you were a part of the mailing list then…

What about you? Research or Litigation? How long have you been a lawyer? Why are you on Bestpoets? You from delhi?

That’s it for today…

(I know you would) reply (just dunno how) soon


'course I would reply. very very caught up today. cannot write much. but i agree with you. Best is not up my creek too. Too literary and all that kind of thing. I like my poetry hard nosed and my poets should be more in touch with the world. This dreamy soppiness is not my idea of fun.

I litigate in Delhi for the last about ten years. From Defence Colony. I am a litigating lawyer.

Write more about you.

Dear PC

Hi, well you are so much senior to me. I have been a lawyer for the past 3 years. been in delhi for the past 21 years..here in R K Puram. So you have a law firm or something?

you had asked to write more about me, well i think I already wrote too much in reply to your couple of lines in the last mail...and your reply to my long mail is again quite concise...so I am not too sure what to write in this one.

And more particularly given your seniority I am not too sure in what direction should our conversation go, so would highly appreaciate if you write me in more details about yourself.

So do write in


Hi Cinderella

Ha Ha Ha!! This is so funny.. So u think that u are being entrapped by some libidinous, pot-bellied, skirt chasing, pan chewing vakil whose favourite past time is neatly divided between arguing rent matters in cloistered sweaty court rooms and going to seedy pubs and drinking himself silly over cheap whisky and doubtful soda.

U know I had really thought u to be cool and bindaas. It was reflected in the way u wrote ur mails. was I wrong? I hope I was right.

What is this "much senior to me", "considering ur seniority"? God! am I corresponding in shaadi.com or something?!

My practice is in the High Court. I have my office in B4-20, Self Defence Colony (Fake) where I work with another two pals (we are not partners just share office space). I am a lawyer who does a lot of matters relating to contract, property and matrimony (or whatever remains of it by the time my clients reach me). I was schooled in DPS and did my law from CLC. I started practice in the year 1995.

I was concise earlier as I did not have the time. there is not much to say anyway.

My dad was in the Army. He is retired now. I live in NOIDA. I shall write more. provided u do not start calling me sir or something as horrible as that!

Don't mind my jest. Have fun;
Bye PC

Well Well PC,

How could you underestimate my skills to comprehend a human mind so easily, that you assumed, that I am assuming you to be <some libidinous, pot-bellied, skirt chasing, pan chewing vakil whose favorite past time is neatly divided between arguing rent matters in cloistered sweaty court rooms and going to seedy pubs and drinking himself silly over cheap whisky and doubtful soda> On the very contrary, to begin with, for your not so bengali nomenclature I had assumed you to be a smart and street smart (u r a lawyer) intellectual (u r a bengali) well read (u are in Best). That was before when you first mailed in Best.

The second impression that's after reading your prev mail, I assumed you are this rich, successful workaholic Attorney somewhere in your mid 30s kinda like Richard Gere in Primal Fear and quite a few more movies of his. Since I respect my own profession too much and believe in maintaining the hierarchy I thought its not a good idea to be the kickass me which I generally am...and you know something particularly after that incident on Best with Mr. M I am so damn ashamed of my mindlessly rude behavior...I mean what if you are another person of stature as high as Mr. M (assuming you have read his bio)...so I was acting reserved.

Finally the third impression, which was formed just moments ago...I am too cool for you...:D kidding. You must be in your early 30s (31-32), single, cool fun loving, u like reading, traveling, music, don’t chew pan but smoke classic regular, drink Royal wine and whiskey at the hottest restro bars in Delhi etc.etc.

How do I assume all that Coz most men can be categorized...and i just put you into one of the few. Don't mind my rudeness you preferred me to be cool and bindaas right? Lemme know how good my categorization was (I wish I am wrong coz I don't like conventional, usual and predictable) and also ask me whatever you wanna ask

Till then Bye, Cinderella

Marlboro lights my dear and not Classic Regular (those wretched foul smelling cigarettes). Always wanting to quit but can't. A cigarette or two a day can't harm u surely. The good life- wine (a nice Californian Chard) or single malt occasionally has not harmed humankind as much as idle gossip or research on fissile pyrotechnics. Wot say thou?

Yes men can be slotted/categorized. What about women then. This film crazy, 25, talkative, over articulate, pleasant looking woman (with trendy specs?). this non-litigation lawyer, provocative in her words but cautious in her conduct, misunderstood easily by the shallow and the wretched, who speaks too soon and then repents in leisure, outwardly very confident but slightly insecure otherwise. this femme of glorious contradictions this classy babe - this Sanjukta (with apologies to William Shakespeare -refer Richard-III).

I do not think u are rude. If people do not like a bit of provocation then I pity them :-).

Who wants to communicate on the basis of bio-datas. Can communication be turned into language of inter-departmental memos??? Forget this bio data of Mr. M - I frankly give a damn.

I have hated hierarchy all my life. Have u read the "the Peter Principle". It is a hilarious essay on something that is called hierarchiology (the study of hierarchies). The main principle is that all human beings in a hierarchy finally rise to their level of incompetence. I found it to be so funny.

Ur categorization was interesting. Was it right?? Well u forgot to add "substance abuse" (i love cocaine) and that embarrassing twitch on the right side of my face, which has made me, face contempt proceedings before the Hon'ble Court so many times. And what about my fetish for wearing silk bandannas on Thursdays and my craze for handcuff when making out on the back seat my snazzy black Jaguar. Hey - I am just fooling around. But what I want to say is that to be unpredictable or different is not that great in all situations. There is a comfort in being regular and sound. Any thoughts on this???

So u have long hair??? Tell me how precise was my above categorization of you.


Btw I loved being compared to Richard Gere but on a more critical self-assessment I think I look more like Johnny Depp ;-)

Its been a long wait I know…c’mon don’t tell me you were not waiting eagerly for my reply.

Surprisingly the rest of the assessment which doesn’t form part of my physical appearance (talkative, over articulate, non-litigation lawyer, provocative in her words but cautious in her conduct, misunderstood easily by the shallow and the wretched, who speaks too soon and then repents in leisure, outwardly very confident but slighly insecure otherwise) is freaking correct…How did you know???

So the round of introduction, building, laying and imposing and impression and general prediction is over…what next? Hobbies and interest I guess…’Change’ that’s what I am interested in and that’s what my hobby is. I cant tell you my hobby is to sing coz I would soon change my hobby…but music have been quite persistent a pastime for me. The two personalities within me gives a wide range of choices from… [some names of music artist not forming part of this story edited...]


Till then

One Mail from PC snipped here but Cinderella's parawise reply would make the context clear....

Hey hold it. Don't jump to conclusions please. An emotional Bong aren't u. Who in the dickens has said I won't reply. U forget I was the one who sent the first mail out of the blue. Do justice here mon chic

‘Emotional bong’ what exactly do u mean by this? Which part is not acceptable to you ‘emotional’ or ‘bong’. I am none and yet both…I don’t know under which sign I was born but I think it would be water…coz that’s what I am.

"Was away to Bangalore for a case the entire last week and have
just returned today. I was so god-damned busy with custody battles, guardianship
issues, wailing spouses, frowning judges, screaming lawyers, stubborn court
procedures that I do not think I even called my mother more than once. The
question of replying or even accessing my mail did not arise for

Wow, you have some flair for writing…even a courtroom can be poetic it seems.

"Now I do not even know which of the two mails of ur mails should I reply to. Both, as u shall appreciate, are of decidedly different flavours."

And that was just tip of the iceberg. I have many more flavours and colors within and don’t make me start with when and how frequently shall I change them…like I said before…Change…aah such a beautiful word. To give u an example I just arranged an independence weekend trip to haridwar rishikesh along with my school time friend. When everything was all set I decided to change my mind and am now going to a leisure trip to Hotel Clark Shiraj in Agra at the company expense. My only defense “I am selfish, opportunist and a miser”.

"Btw I read ur blog just now. How I thought of ur non-physical attributes was matter of guess work. Just to keep u guessing. Perhaps I am somebody u already know. Working in ur office or something like that. Perhaps I have been stalking u for the last month or so. That shady lukin' guy who follows u over the distance every morning when u leave for work. ha ha ha But I did get the glasses right. U do wear glasses don't u? My taste in music is different. For me music is not a carefully acquired taste. I listen to whatever and wherever. A part of my very promiscuous personality ;-). What do I like. I shall tell u some day. "

Ok am waiting…


PS. I don’t like silence much
S, (or C)

In law we call it a para-wise reply in seriatum. So though u have certainly made out a strong case for ur unpredictable predilections (which is so very fascinating), ur method to express it remains very common law i.e. traversing each and every assertion in order to set out ur defence(offence??). There was a patent mistake in my mail though (which I am sure was ignored only because of ur graciousness ) - there is nothing like "mon chic". It ought to have been "mon cher".

As advised I shall not hazard guesses on ur persona. But I like selfishness or did someone call it enlightened self interest. Its nice to know that u have so many flavours and colours. U sound a bit like a fancy ice cream counter. Iridescent, cool, tempting and simply delicious ;-). I do adore rum and raisin. Do u have it in u??

I would have liked a holiday too. Agra shall be hot. But knowing u I guess u shall be either at the pool or at the bar or then perhaps attending a conference.. But frankly u sound slightly guilty about ditching ur school friend. Ur bravura, if I may say so, sounds a bit too brazen. I don't think that u are the one to walk over corpses. U overestimate urself there.

My kind of music is listening to myself sing when it is raining and I am driving and a cigarette smolders and the destination is far far away. Just kiddin'. I am neither that poetic nor self obsessed.

I shall certainly sms u. Even if u are selfish, opportunist and a miser. so what. I guess its high time that I had some friends with such decent virtues.

Dear PC

GB Shaw said, “the perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post”. I can never find more apt words to describe most of my love or whatever affairs and this is exactly what I would tell you if you had romance in your mind when you wrote the first mail to me (I would have serious doubts if you say you didn’t have). I like people who know what they want and can confidently ask for it without creating many verbal traps for the listener. So if you have romance in mind do confess…if you ask me I can smell romance every where and I could smell romance in all your mails and have tried my best to put that same essence in all my replies. Now, coming to the significance of the quote. Look, frankly speaking by the way you write, the words you use for me, in my mind you are someone no less than Shakespeare’s Romeo (assuming you have seen Baz Luhrman’s Romeo and Juliet) (I am a little more dreamy than I should be) and the way you describe the sanjukta that is there in your mind she is no less than Juliet either…well a more intelligent Juliet may be. But we both know that we could be dangerously wrong in our perceptions you could be Nana Patekar and I could be Mayawati (I could seriously be, mind you)

To cut the crappy story short whenever I have started something on net it has come to a bad end becoz either romeo or Juliet has been hazardously disappointed once they came out of the virtual world and met in person. Offlate I have completely deleted dating and romancing from my life for various reasons which I may tell you or may be you’ll read them in my Autobiography. Until Friday I thought you would be restricted to the virtual world only and that’s why I didn’t pick up your phone. I didn’t want to give a human voice to my fantasy. But then I thought over it. I should get real I gotta come out of my dream land.

So before I walk any further in my dreamland let’s both of us give each other an opportunity to get the real picture and avoid bigger disappointment. May be next Sunday provided I finish of the tasks I scheduled for yesterday on the next Saturday… :D. But if you think we need not meet and can continue to be some kind of email friend do lemme know it will be fine by me.

My Agra trip was good but not great, like I said I didn’t know any body besides my own dept. I still don’t know them. Either they were not very friendly or they found me unfriendly. I mostly spent time with myself, which wasn’t that bad I did miss a special someone’s company though. Particularly when I was burning the dance floor without a partner. More than 3 hrs…wonder how will it be with a partner…drinks weren’t a part of the luxury trip and there was no time to go to the bar or order room service…

Anyways, that’s it for today


12th August


I shall not enter into a parawise reply. It is boring. So I shall try to be spontaneous. My heart rebels against explanatory emails and I would rather flirt around or talk mischievously but something in ur mail has made me sit up and inspired me to talk straight ( a thing which I hate doing ).

When I wrote the first mail I was intending to include provocation in my life. In other words - cut through the boring claptrap of day to day existence. But I am not a romance hunter. That is not to say that I do not like the idea of romance. But I do not think that one can imagine a romance with a person one has not even seen. Disembodied communications do not make for romance. It takes a visual effect to give any credence to such a strong feeling.

Why I mailed u was simple. I was delighted by ur chutzpah and ur spontaneity in that cess pool of high culture -"Best poets". Remember the - "i sometimes say what I mean but sometimes I mean what I don't say" mail to the Best poets collective??? In other words I found u interesting. There was nothing less and nothing more. When I parodied Shakespeare's "King Richard the Second" I was not comparing u to Juliet. The take off was on John the Gaunt talking about England when he says - this pearl set among silver seas, this beautiful land, this England - or words to similar effect. So my take off was rather secular and had nothing to do with schmaltziness. It was a mail of a person impressed with the words of a woman and not her beauty; at least not yet :-). So this Johny Depp or Cleopatra conundrum was a mere tongue in cheek exercise and nothing more.

I could be Nana Patekar yes. and u could be Mayawati (no no - no one can combine crassness with superlative ugliness like that woman) but how does it matter. I may be a romantic but I am a lawyer too. A divorce lawyer who has seen the rather seamy side of the product of foolish romance - marriage, a bit too often to be having any rosy ideas..

Do I have romance in mind - NO! I have something better in mind. The joy of meeting an exciting person. I have no doubt that we have to meet. I cannot speak for u but I have no doubt that I shall be very happy to meet u. I feel it in my bones that we are people who are meant to meet up but have been separated due to the chance factor of an erratic destiny. Its time to undo the error.

when to meet up. As I keep on saying whenever. Sms me and I shall be there (unless I amy dying or some f**k**g client is wanting to kill me with his litany of sob stories).

Will it be a disappointment. Your best buddy could be right. Perhaps yes. Perhaps not. But I do not disappoint. And it is not because I look like Johny Depp, its because I am PC with all my flaws etc.

See u soon

The above chain of mails started on 24th of July. The last mail from PC was on 12th August....on 28th of August this is what was on Cinderella's mind....
she finally found him.
But Cinderella knew its not gonna stay...she couldn't dream beyond a point....

I, Cinderlla in the above story, suddenly decided to meet him one fine day. I was with Manoj and was hanging around his office. I called up and asked if he'd like to meet up over a cup of coffee though Manoj would be there. He quicky said sure....we met....Nothing after that.

I have once smsd asking "hey whatever happened to our knowing each other more? are we even gonna be friends or not? Yes is my answer tell me yours." "yes, absolutely." He replied. Well then ask me out you silly I thought in my mind, but he didn't. Since then no call, no sms, no mails. I bumped into him couple of times in High Court and would see him again there someday...

This is what I had on my mind on 2nd of Sepetember
The Sequel to "To be continued"

Some beautiful Moments to cherish forever...

That swift peck on my cheek when I was busy concentrating on safe driving amidst the mad city traffic...

That rolling of his eyes in sweet anger and insisting me to have the golguppas saying "kha lo, this is our last evening together here...

That attending of his third consecutive call in one hand while managing all my shopping bags in the other, to hear him say, "Samy I forgot to tell you something." "Now what, tell me quick." his reply - "forgot to say I love you".

That lying down with my head on his chest his arms wrapped around me, his fingres carassing my hair, in the silence of the night we lay motionless, speech less, eyes wide open looking into nowhere wishing the clock stops then and there....in that eternal moment...

Shit!! Why am I living in the past...

Monday, November 14, 2005


How sweet are you O pain,
I fall in love with myself every time you touch me,
The way you hit my mind
The way you dry up all the fluid in my body
And form a solid rock in my throat.
Make me feel like a victorious soldier
When you slowly crawl down the throat, enter my heart
It’s no less than an orgasm what I fell then.
Come pain feel me in
Stay cause here’s someone who doesn’t wishes you leave
You make me feel worthy of so much
You make me feel beautiful

It’s only me and you who are real

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Just can't stop admiring my ownself

Did this handwriting analysis online here and the following is the result

For a graphologist, the spacing on the page reflects the writer's attitude toward their own world and relationship to things in his or her own space. If the inputted data was correct Sanjukta has left lots of white space on the all four borders of the paper. Sanjukta fills up just the center area of the page. If this is true, then Sanjukta has a particular shyness toward people and a fear of moving too fast in any direction. In some cultures, respecting people, rules, and adhering to protocol are ways of life. The right side of the page represents the future and the left side represents the past. Sanjukta seems a bit stuck in the middle, afraid to take action. Sanjukta seems to have a fear of looking bad or of crossing boundries. It will be easy to work with Sanjukta on a team, because Sanjukta will usually follow the rules. However, this desire to respect the boundries can often be construed as a lack of confidence and people will walk over Sanjukta if she is not careful.

Sanjukta exaggerates about everything that has a physical nature. Although she may not intend to deceive or mislead, she blows things way out of proportion because that is the way she views them. She will be a good story teller. This exaggeration relates to all areas of her material world. Sanjukta allows many people into her life because she is accepting and trusting. She is sometimes called gullible by her friends. That only really means that she trusts too many people. Sanjukta has a vivid imagination.

Sanjukta has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. She lets new people into her circle of friends. She uses her imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.

Sanjukta is very self-sufficient. She is trying not to need anyone. She is capable of making it on her own. She probably wants and enjoys people, but she doesn't "need" them. She can be a loner.

Sanjukta has a temper. She uses this as a defense mechanism when she doesn't understand how to handle a situation. Temper is a hostile trait used to protect the ego. Temper can be a negative personality trait in the eyes of those around her.

Sanjukta is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect her ego when she feels hurt. She pokes people harder than she gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.

Sanjukta has very high goals. She has many big dreams that will be difficult to make happen. One way for Sanjukta to make these dreams become reality is to surround herself with people that do not have as much "vision", but have the ability to see these projects through. Sometimes she has a new and better dream every day, thus forgetting about yesterday's plans. Sanjukta's plans can be extremely successful only if she sees them through. She dreams of great things. Sanjukta will be more successful if she sets her goals more realistically. Her goals are so high that she will have a hard time reaching them. It only takes a small stroke adjustment to bring these dreams from the dream stage to reality. She is self confident. She believes these dreams can be achieved and she is the person to do it. This belief in herself leads her to over-sell her abilities. She is capable of great things, just not always as great as she makes them seem to be.

In reference to Sanjukta's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When Sanjukta slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project. She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Sanjukta can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Sanjukta will be candid and direct when expressing her opinion. She will tell them what she thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want her opinion, don't ask for it!

Sanjukta is moderately outgoing. Her emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, she can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. She has the ability to put herself into the other person's shoes. Sanjukta will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes she will be happy, the next day she might be sad. She has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because she is in between. Psychology calls Sanjukta an ambivert. She understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, she will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." She doesn't sway too far one way or the other. When convincing her to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to her. She puts herself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet she will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. Sanjukta is an expressive person. She outwardly shows her emotions. She may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story. Sanjukta is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. She weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when she finally has to. She basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Sanjukta doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Such is my curse

Last time I spoke to Manoj, he was supposed to leave for his home today, that is if his train ain’t cancelled. I couldn’t call him today so I don’t know if he has left or not. Called him a while ago his phone is switched off. Last I spoke to him we both knew we won’t be meeting before he leaves for kerela and the common understanding was “nevermind we’d meet once you come back”. Never occurred to me he is like a feather in the blowing wind, was like those rare dreams that comes true but only for a while.

Off late, he has not been taking care of his life. His career, his marriage, both up for a toss, had financial liabilities to fulfill, loans to pay. Had to leave his Gurgaon flat suddenly, gave away his car one fine day. When I met him he was a prince I saw him turning into a pauper. But, he seemed to never worry about any of these, an attitude which was surprising to me to begin with, but which soon became annoying. I started confronting him, “why don’t you take charge of things? Have you seen where to your life is heading? Don’t leave your job until you have one in hand. Take care of your life, it’s high time you pull up your socks and do something about it. Think. I don’t know if any of my words had any impact on him, he never gave a sign to show that they had any impact or even otherwise, he has only smiled and assured he IS taking charge that he has thought of a plan of action. I had asked him couple of times why can’t he go back home and resume his practice, he said he won’t do that. He came to Delhi with a dream, with a mission he won’t go back empty handed. He would have a lengthy justification for everything he does. Then he would have even lengthier justifications for not anymore doing those very things. This Monday when we spoke he told me he has booked tickets for Kerela, am not sure when did he make his mind to go, he said he would bring his wife and kid, give his marriage a second chance. Sounded like a sensible plan to me…and so…he is gone for good.

There was one morning last month when I was almost about to have a breakdown in that lifeless stock broking firm, where I never saw a human being in the span of 3 dead months that I spent there, I decided to visit that one place where I belong, the one place which gives me an identity, gives me space, gives me a sense of security, the High Court. I called him up, said, “I am going to High Court are you coming? His answers to me have never been a ‘No’. Also, it turned out that he had to meet one senior Advocate Sh. Aggarwal there for his work. He wanted me to accompany. I did. And I felt so good at the end of the day, having met a highly respectable senior, being able to sit across and talk to him on issues that interest me.

That day on my way to High Court, I had no idea why I was going there, what am I gonna do there, I was so clueless…the day turned out to be one of the most worth fully spent day, I owe it completely to him.

I went to High Court again today. Sh. Aggarwal wanted to invite me for a Lawyer’s Meet. He wanted me to collect the background paper and the invitation card today. He said he couldn’t reach through Manoj’s Cell. “He must have left for Kerela, Sir.” I said.

Now I am engulfed with an uncanny fear. He isn’t coming back. Why would he, why should he. Didn’t I tell him for his own good that he needs to go back and resume his practice. There isn’t anything for him here in Delhi. The more I think now the more certain I am. He isn’t coming back. I don’t have his Kerela contacts. His cell isn’t working. I don’t think he has taken it on roaming.

Such is my life. Such is my curse. I am fatal, everything in my vicinity comes to an end only I move on. I move on only to witness more beginnings and endings. Walking over the corpses like a zombie. The only I reason I resist those tears from dropping this time is because I can’t let him be responsible for a single tears of mine. He can only put smile on my face.

Never occurred to me then
that you might be going for good
Didn’t occur to me
That you might not be coming back
If it did, would have at least said goodbye…
Would have at least told you what you meant
now I hope you read these line and know
that I love you so my friend I love you so...

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Run Delhi Run

Saturday, 30th October 2005, 6.15 pm, I was on my PC writing a post for my blog and also doing some internet research for my work, when suddenly my sister came all panicky telling me do you something there is bomb blast going around, I looked at her and calmly asked, “you mean?” She got irritated by the cold attitude I had towards her panic. “what do you mean, ‘you mean’? I mean bomb blast, terrorist attacks.” She replied rather repulsively. “Ok.” I said and looked back at my PC and resumed my work where I left. She got furious now, almost started yelling, “how can you be so cold blooded, there are people dying, don’t you have any sympathy for them. How can you just go on blogging and surfing after you hear a news like that.

She has a point. I am ruthlessly cold to the latest bomb blast in Delhi. I don’t know why. I haven’t yet called up my friends to find out about them. I didn’t rush to the TV and start following everything that every biggies in town had to say about the incident.

When terror attacks we run for our lives. If a bomb happens to blast on my head I would run for my life no one else would run on my behalf. And so long as its not my life I don’t care. I know those who are running for their lives right now wouldn’t have cared either, had it not been their lives. Diwali, Eid…Tst Tst such a celebration time and such a tragedy. Well those who were about to celebrate didn’t bother for the ones who don’t even have blankets to protect them from the forthcoming cold when they live under the sky as their roof after they have lost their. Did they have a silent Dandiya in memory of the Qauke victims, a colorless Holi in memory of the Tsunami victims. The day Government of India Announces “ A day’s salary shall compulsorily go to the quake victims” one should see the long face I would make, you would make, these people who lost out all the fun of diwali due to the blast, would have made, had they been not busy running for their lives. Every year the Government appeals “Please have a pollution free diwali, who gives a damn. “Say no to crackers, child labour goes in it.” Not my child. Crores of money is senselessly burned on the occasion of Diwali. Some thousands of people die to do drunk driving. Women get raped on the occasion of Holi every year. Celebrations. What an Irony. What good is my concern gonna do to change the Irony? I stay in Dwarka. Do I or my sister who is being all-sympathetic, have the guts to rush to Sarojini Nagar and join hands with the rescue workers to pull out the bodies? We are not even gonna move out of the safety of our home as long as the terror knocks on our door.

Has anyone ever wondered what’s celebration anyway. Is it enough that a day of the calendar is being designed for celebration or do we need a good reason to celebrate.

I don’t celebrate any festival. When I am with my friends I eat, drink, sing and dance and have a time hell better than any celebrations. When I am alone any festival is just another day for me.

Run Delhi run.
Not for Hutch, but for your lives.
I too would run when it’s my turn.