Tuesday, December 27, 2005
‘This is my truth’ was the theme of my blog. I started it coz there were, and still are, these times when I want to talk a lot about my life but no one to listen to...I thought I would share the bizarre truth of my life, which I think are stranger than fictions, but then where is the truth? What is my truth? What more is it than another sappy old story of love lost and heart break. Who doesn't have these stories and then what the hell do I know about other's story that I go about thinking my story is strange. Truth.
Truth is I don't have a story.
Just some scattered scribbled sheets.
‘Is the glass half empty or half full’ they ask.
Truth is there is no glass,
just a heap of crackled earthen pots,
twisted pencil skins,
few old photographs,
few old wrapping papers,
few old crumpled movie tickets
with the name of the movie goers
written on the back of it by me,
some office vouchers,
certain visions when i close my eyes,
certain sounds I suddenly hear,
certain smell I suddenly find familiar,
some broken dreams, some sleepless nights,
some premeditated coincidences,
some long phone calls
and the subsequent phone bills…
all passing by.
The train is moving fast. But I wish it was moving faster and faster and faster. So that all the bits and pieces of my eventful life passes by in such lightening speed that I don’t even have the time to recollect them and frame in my blog.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Glad I went ahead for the Ryze Mixer. It was fun meeting everybody. Am looking forward to more such meets. The drive back home was an amazing experience. The road all thorough had a terrible fog but was thickest on the new flyover connecting Dwarka and the Dhaula Kuan Crossing. The minuite I took this road I felt like I have come to a nowhere. I couldn't even see the bonnet of my car. You won't believe it untill you have seen it. It was blinding. Scary and exiting. I couldn't help taking a couple of pics while driving. Wanted to pull over but that was too risky at 10.30 in the night. The scene was amazing.
Friday, December 23, 2005
Christmas is here, I have 3 days of holidays, I could have made a weekend trip to somewhere nearby, but I need atleast 1 company. But I never find a company for doing the things I want to do...Last I walked alone was in the John Primer show. Before that it was the Hutch Delhi Run. Heard from somewhere that there is an offline meet, a Christmas bash of Ryze members. Ya I am a member of Ryze, I am a member of all such networks for 'seeking someone, whether desperately or not, singles'. Ok I know Ryze is a business Network and not a dating club, So? Tell me which single is not seeking someone... So last night I decided to go for the meet. And ever since I have decided my own line is coming back to haunt my mind again and again..."I was less lonely when I was alone." Why am I going there? Just to reaffirm my emptyness? Why do I like doing this to myself? I can sit at home and read something. I can finish the unfinished posts. Is it going to make me feel any better to go there alone and come back alone.
Loneliness Actually sucks...if you are reading it, just agreet with it. Don't leave a comment saying it doesn't sucks...
And Kreeti if you reading this don't think I am being a loner here and trying to sulk, I am not. I am going there alright, and be rest assured I would be wearing the flashiest smile on my face and the brightest spark in my eyes...
The two never spoke
The silence never broke
but they fell in love...
these lines just came to mind yesterday...
When two people with great flair for writing have their way at romance, what you have is excellent 'reads'. The exchange of letters between Elizabeth Barret Browning and Robert Browning are one of the best piece of writing...The story of the Browning couple is so fascinating too, in yer youth she sufferred from some disease and was bed ridden. She reached out to the world only through her poems. Robert Browning, 6 years younger to her, fell in love with her reading her poems...For years together they didn't meet and the love affair happened only through exchange of love letters... Finally she eloped and married Robert.
I have already put an example of couple of exchange of mails that I have had, which made a good read . Here is more...
The ever so wild and crazy, the ever so passionate and weird, wish I could I have an adventour with you, you could be my greatest challenge...
He:- (Original lines sent to me via sms)
What you call an adventour
is nothing more than a nightmare
Thats why I tell all the nightingales
not to fly towards the brigh glares
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Meanwhile this is how the Delhi bloggers Meet go...read about it and please leave a comment.
I am happy these days...
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
If hearts were blogs and if you link your blog to a woman's blog, and if you keep visiting her blog everyday and keep leaving sweet comments there, eventually she would link her blog to your blog, she would no matter how dumb your blog is....Its automatic
Monday, December 12, 2005
Suggestions and improvements are always welcome and appreciated.
So we meet up at Humayuns tomb at 11am that gives us ample opportunity to bask in the winter sun. After the initial round of introductions (we have nothing against squares,triangles and other assorted geometric figures) we shall proccede to our photography show/tell/teach thingy ahich will be (hopefully) followed by a cricket/football match....this match can also act as a photo subject for some who are more inclined to photography and do not want to dirty thier clothes with cricket/shriket...football/shhotball.
ah...the games will be followd by lunch....which we can all go and eat at some joint or we can order takeaways and have a picnic in the sun......!!!
with time and consensus some gaana bajaana will be appreciated....loads of fun expected...but only if you are there.
oh and you need not be a blogger to be there (MSM spys are welcome too.....we are armed this time...lol) so you can bring along your freinds, brothers,sisters,aunties,uncles ....whatever....be there!!
Original invitation mail posted by Pradster on Delhi Blogger's Yahoo Group mailing list. However the invitation is open to all. So if you are you are some one who writes a blog, reads a blog, wishes to do so in future and has been doing so in the past...and if you are in Delhi on 18th Please Join us.
Don't worry about meeting a bunch of strangers...none of us bite... :P You'll have a good time PROMISE
Sunday, December 11, 2005
An open letter to Meatloaf:Read the Original here.
Dear Mr Loaf,
In your hit single I Would Do Anything For Love, you claim, "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that". [My italics.] A willingness to do anything for love, sir, implies a readiness to pursue literally any course of action that might be of benefit to love, up to and including "that". If you persist in attaching limits and conditions to what you are prepared to do for love, you should amend your lyrics to reflect this, and make your position clear to a confused public.
"Whilst I am prepared to go to not inconsiderable lengths for love, I feel I must draw the line at that," would better describe your state of mind, given the current qualified nature of your commitment to love.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
S2 and K may end up owing their marriage (ok I know I am acting crazy) to me...just like S3+P, M+S4, M2+M3 did... God Bless all of you couples.
Got my look changed, spent couple of hours and some freaking money in the parlour today...sometimes material things makes you happy.
Some girl said to this guy, and this guy came and told me that the girl told him that I am always looking for dates...as in am always chasing men. I don't know this girl at all except that she happens to be a friend of another of my friend and my friend keeps talking to her bout me...and my friend tells me she is very fond of me, but from what this guy tells me about what she told him about me, it seems she is NOT very fond of me, She also leaves nice comments on my blog and she also the other day added me on yahoo messenger [PERIOD] now which of these Fucking people to be believed [PERIOD] and from where do people get this Idea...I do all that I can to resist a man...
was looking at some of my child hood pics...I used to be cute
Wish S falls in love with me...Don't know him that well, except that he is this macho guy with a golden heart and great smile but I like him. Given the dreamer I am, might even say 'yes' if it happens hoping the rest would simply follow... There was this one time, he had called and I said "S I think you forgot your shoes there." he said, "No I haven't. I got my shoes with me but I have forgot my heart over there." I quickly responded, "aha tell me with who?" But he just laughed it away. I wanna write more about S here, but am afraid he might find out.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Sunday, December 04, 2005
A minor heart ache
A small accident
a heated argument,
lots of police
All Coming up...
As soon as I gain some energy.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Me and Denning also happen to Share our birthdays with Netaji Subhash Chandra Bose.
Soon after marriage Prithviraj's Sanjukta decided to study law and aspired to become Lord Denning. In Law college she became a rebel bole to ekdum politician. You know khali pili dharna naare baazi...Udhar Md.Ghori attacked Prithviraj and captured him. Sanjukta called a meet of all her college mates and asked for their blood...matlab she formed an army and declared war against Ghori to resucue prithviraj...prithiviraj to was rescued but panga yeh hua that he got very confused about Sanjukta. Soch ne laga is this the girl I married. She seems to be having multiple personalities. But prithiraj's love was true, so he didn't mind the new avtaar of hers. And they lived happily ever after (well not really more tales to come)
Jees...isn't it enough of crap. Who the hell want's more.
Monday, November 28, 2005
I still remember the scene, which my mind had visualised at that age.....Sanjukta was probably standing at a palace gate or something, prithvijraj was on his horse, sword in one hand, the mighty horse running at a speed faster than wind...heading right at her direction, he comes close by and lifts Sanjukta with the other hand puts her on the horse and they elope....they must have lived happily ever after. I don't know but they must have.
Mom why did you buy the comic for me. And why did you have to name me Sanjukta. Do you realize what have you done to your daughter. This stupid girl still cannot accept that its just her name that's similar.
Stupid fairy and her stupid tales.............
Say, are we gonna see a new day
when there's a will there's a way
‘Shreshtha Purush’– Rama
Prince Gautam and his enlightenment,
Mahavira and Nirvana
Kautilya and Arth Shastra
Moder art of State Craft
Ashoka and Eternal truth – Dharma
Amrapali and Sarvottam Nari – Sita
Civil Disobedience Movement
All born out of the same womb....Mother Bihar
They say History Repeats itself.
Will it, Nitish?
Has the day come
Can we get back the warmth of our mother's lap
We the sons and daughters of Bihar
Can we stop evacuating
Can we have civilization restored
Lots of hope on you
You the people’s representative
15 years is all it took
How long is it gonna take you?
There are more things about me which are unbelievable that you can possibly think of. And that's why I call it "This is my truth"...
Truth which is stranger than fiction,
Truth more scary and bewildering than fiction....
"Once I can understand it
Twice I can let it be
Three times it one too many now
You'll have to do without me"
Sunday, November 27, 2005
I went ahead alone for the concert. My first ever Jazz concert, John Primer and The Real Deal Blues Band. It was good. Can't say if it was great or not coz I don't listen to a lot of Jazz.
Saw Harneet, and Mrs. and Mr. Deepan there. The world is small they say and if your areas of interest and subjects and places of hangouts is the same then the world becomes even smaller. I always knew this. Always knew I am gonna bump into Harneet at once such event. And like always I also knew he is never gonna even recognise me. Just the way Munish never did. The ideological differences were too much between me and Harneet so I guess we could never be friends...but I never wanted us to be strangers either. But you always don't have what you want. I would always be thankful to Harneet for introducing me to the blogger's community. Had it not been for him I wouldn't have attended any of the blog meets. Would always remember those long hours of chat...that one fun time when we had a non formal 'mini meet' (as Ravi puts it). Harneet, Ravi, Amit, Vivek and Me. Ironically, when I had joined the DBM the best welcome messages came from these people who now hate me. Deepan was so exited about my introductory mail. Amit and I had some intersting exchange of mails till the time we met in that informal meet. (after which for reasons unknown to me, we never called, or mailed or smsd) And then while the firefighting was going on between me and Harneet, the most malice ful mail was from Amit. He accused me of being responsible for the downfall of the group. He accused me of having creating nothing else but trouble for the group ever since I have joined.
Anyway I don't blame anyone...I know I am jinxed. I keep telling it to everyone but no body believes me. The closest you come the farthest you would be repelled.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
"Sab log dhyan se suniye, abhi aapko Room No. *** mein jaana hai. Wahan aapko ek written test dena hoga. 20 questions hoga sab ke char answer honge, teen galat ek sahi. Aap wahan jaayenge hamara pen dikhayenge, Aapko question bilkul nahi padna hai, kisi bhi ek option pe tick maarna hai. I repeat, quetions padke time waste mat kariye aapke peeche aur bhi log honge isliye jaldi se pen dikhaiyee, 18 question pe tick maarke jaakar bus mein baith jayenge. Shaam ko hamare office se learner license collect kar lena."Check out my latest post on the Community BLOG "Bribe Rates for Delhi"
Suggestions, Ideas, Criticism...all welcome.
Friday, November 25, 2005
"I suggest Samy take out the damn car..drive around do a couple of things and go to the concert...what did Tagore said....when no body is answering your call...walk alone"
Of course you needn't tell me that I already know... If this guy calls fair enough otherwise I'd see if somone can make it at the last minuite otherwise I'd go alone...
I am leaving now you keep sitting with the stupid machine
Monday, November 21, 2005
Presenting "Cinderella and her two hours love story" The wonderful exchange of mails between cinderela and the prince before the clock struck 12 .
Dear Cinderella (Fake name)
To cut through the crap this mail's connection can be traced to the "Best (Fake name) poets" and your sudden sphinx like silence. considering that that the esteemed forum has banned any sort of personal interaction as also spelling mistakes I am making this overture.
My incidental identitly matches yours if you remember i.e. lawyer. What are u bout and where. Please do reply.
Prince Charming (Fake name, hence forth fakely referred to as PC)
My silence on 'best' is kinda forced, i somhow don't identify with the way the list works...i mean its ok to say that personal communication is not allowed on the list but to object to a welcome message and ban it as too personal was a bit too much for me. I am talking about a mail RJ (fake) wrote to me and also cc marked you. I was kinda pissed off with that mail.
Besides that I find the poets on Best as a bunch of guys not so humble and kinda suedo...disagree with me as much as you can and want...the point is Best just didn't click with me. May be my level of poetry is not as high as the Bestians...
Me a lawyer as for now in corporate, still struggling to make a mark in my career, still suffering from identity crisis as to whether I am a social activist or a corporate bitch (u can read my blog on that) or just an ordinary girl…have worked for a while in a women’s rights organization then did some research activity in a strange place (will explain later) and now working with Fortis Securities Limited (wholly owned by Ranbaxy). No we don’t make medicines and don’t supply security guards. We are a stock broking company. Me a part of the Legal and Compliance Department.
Why am I on Bestpoets? I follow another mailing group that of the bloggers of which RJ too is a part. He had put this post about a "Best poet meet" last month which I attended for some reason still unknown to me. As a reward for attending the meet he added my name on the Best Poet's list. As far as poetry is concerned I do sometimes write some crappy lines which are found to be great piece of writing by people who are not part of Best or any other poetry circle (which explains), but have never dared to post any thing on the Best list except this one translation of a short para from Tagore’s Shyama…you must have read it in case you were a part of the mailing list then…
What about you? Research or Litigation? How long have you been a lawyer? Why are you on Bestpoets? You from delhi?
That’s it for today…
(I know you would) reply (just dunno how) soon
'course I would reply. very very caught up today. cannot write much. but i agree with you. Best is not up my creek too. Too literary and all that kind of thing. I like my poetry hard nosed and my poets should be more in touch with the world. This dreamy soppiness is not my idea of fun.
I litigate in Delhi for the last about ten years. From Defence Colony. I am a litigating lawyer.
Write more about you.
Hi, well you are so much senior to me. I have been a lawyer for the past 3 years. been in delhi for the past 21 years..here in R K Puram. So you have a law firm or something?
you had asked to write more about me, well i think I already wrote too much in reply to your couple of lines in the last mail...and your reply to my long mail is again quite concise...so I am not too sure what to write in this one.
And more particularly given your seniority I am not too sure in what direction should our conversation go, so would highly appreaciate if you write me in more details about yourself.
So do write in
Ha Ha Ha!! This is so funny.. So u think that u are being entrapped by some libidinous, pot-bellied, skirt chasing, pan chewing vakil whose favourite past time is neatly divided between arguing rent matters in cloistered sweaty court rooms and going to seedy pubs and drinking himself silly over cheap whisky and doubtful soda.
U know I had really thought u to be cool and bindaas. It was reflected in the way u wrote ur mails. was I wrong? I hope I was right.
What is this "much senior to me", "considering ur seniority"? God! am I corresponding in shaadi.com or something?!
My practice is in the High Court. I have my office in B4-20, Self Defence Colony (Fake) where I work with another two pals (we are not partners just share office space). I am a lawyer who does a lot of matters relating to contract, property and matrimony (or whatever remains of it by the time my clients reach me). I was schooled in DPS and did my law from CLC. I started practice in the year 1995.
I was concise earlier as I did not have the time. there is not much to say anyway.
My dad was in the Army. He is retired now. I live in NOIDA. I shall write more. provided u do not start calling me sir or something as horrible as that!
Don't mind my jest. Have fun;
Well Well PC,
How could you underestimate my skills to comprehend a human mind so easily, that you assumed, that I am assuming you to be <some libidinous, pot-bellied, skirt chasing, pan chewing vakil whose favorite past time is neatly divided between arguing rent matters in cloistered sweaty court rooms and going to seedy pubs and drinking himself silly over cheap whisky and doubtful soda> On the very contrary, to begin with, for your not so bengali nomenclature I had assumed you to be a smart and street smart (u r a lawyer) intellectual (u r a bengali) well read (u are in Best). That was before when you first mailed in Best.
The second impression that's after reading your prev mail, I assumed you are this rich, successful workaholic Attorney somewhere in your mid 30s kinda like Richard Gere in Primal Fear and quite a few more movies of his. Since I respect my own profession too much and believe in maintaining the hierarchy I thought its not a good idea to be the kickass me which I generally am...and you know something particularly after that incident on Best with Mr. M I am so damn ashamed of my mindlessly rude behavior...I mean what if you are another person of stature as high as Mr. M (assuming you have read his bio)...so I was acting reserved.
Finally the third impression, which was formed just moments ago...I am too cool for you...:D kidding. You must be in your early 30s (31-32), single, cool fun loving, u like reading, traveling, music, don’t chew pan but smoke classic regular, drink Royal wine and whiskey at the hottest restro bars in Delhi etc.etc.
How do I assume all that Coz most men can be categorized...and i just put you into one of the few. Don't mind my rudeness you preferred me to be cool and bindaas right? Lemme know how good my categorization was (I wish I am wrong coz I don't like conventional, usual and predictable) and also ask me whatever you wanna ask
Till then Bye, Cinderella
Marlboro lights my dear and not Classic Regular (those wretched foul smelling cigarettes). Always wanting to quit but can't. A cigarette or two a day can't harm u surely. The good life- wine (a nice Californian Chard) or single malt occasionally has not harmed humankind as much as idle gossip or research on fissile pyrotechnics. Wot say thou?
Yes men can be slotted/categorized. What about women then. This film crazy, 25, talkative, over articulate, pleasant looking woman (with trendy specs?). this non-litigation lawyer, provocative in her words but cautious in her conduct, misunderstood easily by the shallow and the wretched, who speaks too soon and then repents in leisure, outwardly very confident but slightly insecure otherwise. this femme of glorious contradictions this classy babe - this Sanjukta (with apologies to William Shakespeare -refer Richard-III).
I do not think u are rude. If people do not like a bit of provocation then I pity them :-).
Who wants to communicate on the basis of bio-datas. Can communication be turned into language of inter-departmental memos??? Forget this bio data of Mr. M - I frankly give a damn.
I have hated hierarchy all my life. Have u read the "the Peter Principle". It is a hilarious essay on something that is called hierarchiology (the study of hierarchies). The main principle is that all human beings in a hierarchy finally rise to their level of incompetence. I found it to be so funny.
Ur categorization was interesting. Was it right?? Well u forgot to add "substance abuse" (i love cocaine) and that embarrassing twitch on the right side of my face, which has made me, face contempt proceedings before the Hon'ble Court so many times. And what about my fetish for wearing silk bandannas on Thursdays and my craze for handcuff when making out on the back seat my snazzy black Jaguar. Hey - I am just fooling around. But what I want to say is that to be unpredictable or different is not that great in all situations. There is a comfort in being regular and sound. Any thoughts on this???
So u have long hair??? Tell me how precise was my above categorization of you.
Btw I loved being compared to Richard Gere but on a more critical self-assessment I think I look more like Johnny Depp ;-)
Its been a long wait I know…c’mon don’t tell me you were not waiting eagerly for my reply.
Surprisingly the rest of the assessment which doesn’t form part of my physical appearance (talkative, over articulate, non-litigation lawyer, provocative in her words but cautious in her conduct, misunderstood easily by the shallow and the wretched, who speaks too soon and then repents in leisure, outwardly very confident but slighly insecure otherwise) is freaking correct…How did you know???
So the round of introduction, building, laying and imposing and impression and general prediction is over…what next? Hobbies and interest I guess…’Change’ that’s what I am interested in and that’s what my hobby is. I cant tell you my hobby is to sing coz I would soon change my hobby…but music have been quite persistent a pastime for me. The two personalities within me gives a wide range of choices from… [some names of music artist not forming part of this story edited...]
One Mail from PC snipped here but Cinderella's parawise reply would make the context clear....
Hey hold it. Don't jump to conclusions please. An emotional Bong aren't u. Who in the dickens has said I won't reply. U forget I was the one who sent the first mail out of the blue. Do justice here mon chic
‘Emotional bong’ what exactly do u mean by this? Which part is not acceptable to you ‘emotional’ or ‘bong’. I am none and yet both…I don’t know under which sign I was born but I think it would be water…coz that’s what I am.
Wow, you have some flair for writing…even a courtroom can be poetic it seems.
"Was away to Bangalore for a case the entire last week and have
just returned today. I was so god-damned busy with custody battles, guardianship
issues, wailing spouses, frowning judges, screaming lawyers, stubborn court
procedures that I do not think I even called my mother more than once. The
question of replying or even accessing my mail did not arise for
"Now I do not even know which of the two mails of ur mails should I reply to. Both, as u shall appreciate, are of decidedly different flavours."
And that was just tip of the iceberg. I have many more flavours and colors within and don’t make me start with when and how frequently shall I change them…like I said before…Change…aah such a beautiful word. To give u an example I just arranged an independence weekend trip to haridwar rishikesh along with my school time friend. When everything was all set I decided to change my mind and am now going to a leisure trip to Hotel Clark Shiraj in Agra at the company expense. My only defense “I am selfish, opportunist and a miser”.
"Btw I read ur blog just now. How I thought of ur non-physical attributes was matter of guess work. Just to keep u guessing. Perhaps I am somebody u already know. Working in ur office or something like that. Perhaps I have been stalking u for the last month or so. That shady lukin' guy who follows u over the distance every morning when u leave for work. ha ha ha But I did get the glasses right. U do wear glasses don't u? My taste in music is different. For me music is not a carefully acquired taste. I listen to whatever and wherever. A part of my very promiscuous personality ;-). What do I like. I shall tell u some day. "
Ok am waiting…
PS. I don’t like silence much
S, (or C)
In law we call it a para-wise reply in seriatum. So though u have certainly made out a strong case for ur unpredictable predilections (which is so very fascinating), ur method to express it remains very common law i.e. traversing each and every assertion in order to set out ur defence(offence??). There was a patent mistake in my mail though (which I am sure was ignored only because of ur graciousness ) - there is nothing like "mon chic". It ought to have been "mon cher".
As advised I shall not hazard guesses on ur persona. But I like selfishness or did someone call it enlightened self interest. Its nice to know that u have so many flavours and colours. U sound a bit like a fancy ice cream counter. Iridescent, cool, tempting and simply delicious ;-). I do adore rum and raisin. Do u have it in u??
I would have liked a holiday too. Agra shall be hot. But knowing u I guess u shall be either at the pool or at the bar or then perhaps attending a conference.. But frankly u sound slightly guilty about ditching ur school friend. Ur bravura, if I may say so, sounds a bit too brazen. I don't think that u are the one to walk over corpses. U overestimate urself there.
My kind of music is listening to myself sing when it is raining and I am driving and a cigarette smolders and the destination is far far away. Just kiddin'. I am neither that poetic nor self obsessed.
I shall certainly sms u. Even if u are selfish, opportunist and a miser. so what. I guess its high time that I had some friends with such decent virtues.
GB Shaw said, “the perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post”. I can never find more apt words to describe most of my love or whatever affairs and this is exactly what I would tell you if you had romance in your mind when you wrote the first mail to me (I would have serious doubts if you say you didn’t have). I like people who know what they want and can confidently ask for it without creating many verbal traps for the listener. So if you have romance in mind do confess…if you ask me I can smell romance every where and I could smell romance in all your mails and have tried my best to put that same essence in all my replies. Now, coming to the significance of the quote. Look, frankly speaking by the way you write, the words you use for me, in my mind you are someone no less than Shakespeare’s Romeo (assuming you have seen Baz Luhrman’s Romeo and Juliet) (I am a little more dreamy than I should be) and the way you describe the sanjukta that is there in your mind she is no less than Juliet either…well a more intelligent Juliet may be. But we both know that we could be dangerously wrong in our perceptions you could be Nana Patekar and I could be Mayawati (I could seriously be, mind you)
To cut the crappy story short whenever I have started something on net it has come to a bad end becoz either romeo or Juliet has been hazardously disappointed once they came out of the virtual world and met in person. Offlate I have completely deleted dating and romancing from my life for various reasons which I may tell you or may be you’ll read them in my Autobiography. Until Friday I thought you would be restricted to the virtual world only and that’s why I didn’t pick up your phone. I didn’t want to give a human voice to my fantasy. But then I thought over it. I should get real I gotta come out of my dream land.
So before I walk any further in my dreamland let’s both of us give each other an opportunity to get the real picture and avoid bigger disappointment. May be next Sunday provided I finish of the tasks I scheduled for yesterday on the next Saturday… :D. But if you think we need not meet and can continue to be some kind of email friend do lemme know it will be fine by me.
My Agra trip was good but not great, like I said I didn’t know any body besides my own dept. I still don’t know them. Either they were not very friendly or they found me unfriendly. I mostly spent time with myself, which wasn’t that bad I did miss a special someone’s company though. Particularly when I was burning the dance floor without a partner. More than 3 hrs…wonder how will it be with a partner…drinks weren’t a part of the luxury trip and there was no time to go to the bar or order room service…
Anyways, that’s it for today
I shall not enter into a parawise reply. It is boring. So I shall try to be spontaneous. My heart rebels against explanatory emails and I would rather flirt around or talk mischievously but something in ur mail has made me sit up and inspired me to talk straight ( a thing which I hate doing ).
When I wrote the first mail I was intending to include provocation in my life. In other words - cut through the boring claptrap of day to day existence. But I am not a romance hunter. That is not to say that I do not like the idea of romance. But I do not think that one can imagine a romance with a person one has not even seen. Disembodied communications do not make for romance. It takes a visual effect to give any credence to such a strong feeling.
Why I mailed u was simple. I was delighted by ur chutzpah and ur spontaneity in that cess pool of high culture -"Best poets". Remember the - "i sometimes say what I mean but sometimes I mean what I don't say" mail to the Best poets collective??? In other words I found u interesting. There was nothing less and nothing more. When I parodied Shakespeare's "King Richard the Second" I was not comparing u to Juliet. The take off was on John the Gaunt talking about England when he says - this pearl set among silver seas, this beautiful land, this England - or words to similar effect. So my take off was rather secular and had nothing to do with schmaltziness. It was a mail of a person impressed with the words of a woman and not her beauty; at least not yet :-). So this Johny Depp or Cleopatra conundrum was a mere tongue in cheek exercise and nothing more.
I could be Nana Patekar yes. and u could be Mayawati (no no - no one can combine crassness with superlative ugliness like that woman) but how does it matter. I may be a romantic but I am a lawyer too. A divorce lawyer who has seen the rather seamy side of the product of foolish romance - marriage, a bit too often to be having any rosy ideas..
Do I have romance in mind - NO! I have something better in mind. The joy of meeting an exciting person. I have no doubt that we have to meet. I cannot speak for u but I have no doubt that I shall be very happy to meet u. I feel it in my bones that we are people who are meant to meet up but have been separated due to the chance factor of an erratic destiny. Its time to undo the error.
when to meet up. As I keep on saying whenever. Sms me and I shall be there (unless I amy dying or some f**k**g client is wanting to kill me with his litany of sob stories).
Will it be a disappointment. Your best buddy could be right. Perhaps yes. Perhaps not. But I do not disappoint. And it is not because I look like Johny Depp, its because I am PC with all my flaws etc.
See u soon
The above chain of mails started on 24th of July. The last mail from PC was on 12th August....on 28th of August this is what was on Cinderella's mind....she finally found him.
But Cinderella knew its not gonna stay...she couldn't dream beyond a point....
I, Cinderlla in the above story, suddenly decided to meet him one fine day. I was with Manoj and was hanging around his office. I called up and asked if he'd like to meet up over a cup of coffee though Manoj would be there. He quicky said sure....we met....Nothing after that.
I have once smsd asking "hey whatever happened to our knowing each other more? are we even gonna be friends or not? Yes is my answer tell me yours." "yes, absolutely." He replied. Well then ask me out you silly I thought in my mind, but he didn't. Since then no call, no sms, no mails. I bumped into him couple of times in High Court and would see him again there someday...
This is what I had on my mind on 2nd of Sepetember The Sequel to "To be continued"
That swift peck on my cheek when I was busy concentrating on safe driving amidst the mad city traffic...
That rolling of his eyes in sweet anger and insisting me to have the golguppas saying "kha lo, this is our last evening together here...
That attending of his third consecutive call in one hand while managing all my shopping bags in the other, to hear him say, "Samy I forgot to tell you something." "Now what, tell me quick." his reply - "forgot to say I love you".
That lying down with my head on his chest his arms wrapped around me, his fingres carassing my hair, in the silence of the night we lay motionless, speech less, eyes wide open looking into nowhere wishing the clock stops then and there....in that eternal moment...
Shit!! Why am I living in the past...
Monday, November 14, 2005
I fall in love with myself every time you touch me,
The way you hit my mind
The way you dry up all the fluid in my body
And form a solid rock in my throat.
Make me feel like a victorious soldier
When you slowly crawl down the throat, enter my heart
It’s no less than an orgasm what I fell then.
Come pain feel me in
Stay cause here’s someone who doesn’t wishes you leave
You make me feel worthy of so much
You make me feel beautiful
It’s only me and you who are real
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Last time I spoke to Manoj, he was supposed to leave for his home today, that is if his train ain’t cancelled. I couldn’t call him today so I don’t know if he has left or not. Called him a while ago his phone is switched off. Last I spoke to him we both knew we won’t be meeting before he leaves for kerela and the common understanding was “nevermind we’d meet once you come back”. Never occurred to me he is like a feather in the blowing wind, was like those rare dreams that comes true but only for a while.
Off late, he has not been taking care of his life. His career, his marriage, both up for a toss, had financial liabilities to fulfill, loans to pay. Had to leave his Gurgaon flat suddenly, gave away his car one fine day. When I met him he was a prince I saw him turning into a pauper. But, he seemed to never worry about any of these, an attitude which was surprising to me to begin with, but which soon became annoying. I started confronting him, “why don’t you take charge of things? Have you seen where to your life is heading? Don’t leave your job until you have one in hand. Take care of your life, it’s high time you pull up your socks and do something about it. Think. I don’t know if any of my words had any impact on him, he never gave a sign to show that they had any impact or even otherwise, he has only smiled and assured he IS taking charge that he has thought of a plan of action. I had asked him couple of times why can’t he go back home and resume his practice, he said he won’t do that. He came to Delhi with a dream, with a mission he won’t go back empty handed. He would have a lengthy justification for everything he does. Then he would have even lengthier justifications for not anymore doing those very things. This Monday when we spoke he told me he has booked tickets for Kerela, am not sure when did he make his mind to go, he said he would bring his wife and kid, give his marriage a second chance. Sounded like a sensible plan to me…and so…he is gone for good.
There was one morning last month when I was almost about to have a breakdown in that lifeless stock broking firm, where I never saw a human being in the span of 3 dead months that I spent there, I decided to visit that one place where I belong, the one place which gives me an identity, gives me space, gives me a sense of security, the High Court. I called him up, said, “I am going to High Court are you coming? His answers to me have never been a ‘No’. Also, it turned out that he had to meet one senior Advocate Sh. Aggarwal there for his work. He wanted me to accompany. I did. And I felt so good at the end of the day, having met a highly respectable senior, being able to sit across and talk to him on issues that interest me.
That day on my way to High Court, I had no idea why I was going there, what am I gonna do there, I was so clueless…the day turned out to be one of the most worth fully spent day, I owe it completely to him.
I went to High Court again today. Sh. Aggarwal wanted to invite me for a Lawyer’s Meet. He wanted me to collect the background paper and the invitation card today. He said he couldn’t reach through Manoj’s Cell. “He must have left for Kerela, Sir.” I said.
Now I am engulfed with an uncanny fear. He isn’t coming back. Why would he, why should he. Didn’t I tell him for his own good that he needs to go back and resume his practice. There isn’t anything for him here in Delhi. The more I think now the more certain I am. He isn’t coming back. I don’t have his Kerela contacts. His cell isn’t working. I don’t think he has taken it on roaming.
Such is my life. Such is my curse. I am fatal, everything in my vicinity comes to an end only I move on. I move on only to witness more beginnings and endings. Walking over the corpses like a zombie. The only I reason I resist those tears from dropping this time is because I can’t let him be responsible for a single tears of mine. He can only put smile on my face.
Never occurred to me then
that you might be going for good
Didn’t occur to me
That you might not be coming back
If it did, would have at least said goodbye…
Would have at least told you what you meant
now I hope you read these line and know
that I love you so my friend I love you so...
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Saturday, 30th October 2005, 6.15 pm, I was on my PC writing a post for my blog and also doing some internet research for my work, when suddenly my sister came all panicky telling me do you something there is bomb blast going around, I looked at her and calmly asked, “you mean?” She got irritated by the cold attitude I had towards her panic. “what do you mean, ‘you mean’? I mean bomb blast, terrorist attacks.” She replied rather repulsively. “Ok.” I said and looked back at my PC and resumed my work where I left. She got furious now, almost started yelling, “how can you be so cold blooded, there are people dying, don’t you have any sympathy for them. How can you just go on blogging and surfing after you hear a news like that.
She has a point. I am ruthlessly cold to the latest bomb blast in Delhi. I don’t know why. I haven’t yet called up my friends to find out about them. I didn’t rush to the TV and start following everything that every biggies in town had to say about the incident.
When terror attacks we run for our lives. If a bomb happens to blast on my head I would run for my life no one else would run on my behalf. And so long as its not my life I don’t care. I know those who are running for their lives right now wouldn’t have cared either, had it not been their lives. Diwali, Eid…Tst Tst such a celebration time and such a tragedy. Well those who were about to celebrate didn’t bother for the ones who don’t even have blankets to protect them from the forthcoming cold when they live under the sky as their roof after they have lost their. Did they have a silent Dandiya in memory of the Qauke victims, a colorless Holi in memory of the Tsunami victims. The day Government of India Announces “ A day’s salary shall compulsorily go to the quake victims” one should see the long face I would make, you would make, these people who lost out all the fun of diwali due to the blast, would have made, had they been not busy running for their lives. Every year the Government appeals “Please have a pollution free diwali, who gives a damn. “Say no to crackers, child labour goes in it.” Not my child. Crores of money is senselessly burned on the occasion of Diwali. Some thousands of people die to do drunk driving. Women get raped on the occasion of Holi every year. Celebrations. What an Irony. What good is my concern gonna do to change the Irony? I stay in Dwarka. Do I or my sister who is being all-sympathetic, have the guts to rush to Sarojini Nagar and join hands with the rescue workers to pull out the bodies? We are not even gonna move out of the safety of our home as long as the terror knocks on our door.
Has anyone ever wondered what’s celebration anyway. Is it enough that a day of the calendar is being designed for celebration or do we need a good reason to celebrate.
I don’t celebrate any festival. When I am with my friends I eat, drink, sing and dance and have a time hell better than any celebrations. When I am alone any festival is just another day for me.
Run Delhi run.
Not for Hutch, but for your lives.
I too would run when it’s my turn.
Monday, October 31, 2005
I have run out of ideas to create further posts on my blog. But I am a wannabe writer. I cannot possibly run out of writing ideas in just about 10 month’s time. So lemme see what’s all there that I have written about and what’s all there I can write about.
Things I write about:-
Fights with Family
The absence of some one to love
What all I think
What's my take on latest issues.
On women’s empowerment.
On Legalizing Sex Trade
On the funny side of Life the good old days gone by
Exitement of Blogger's Meets
Things I don’t write about
My petty crushes…which I keep having even at my age
My secret affairs
Those ups and downs in my secret affairs
Those secret desires
My Secret Admirer
People I curse with those cruel curses every time I am jealous
Sharp edged lines I write when I am infuriated with family
Which knows where have I failed
Incidents where I was on the wrong side
Politics cause I don’t understand it
Book reviews, both for the same reasons
Not many people are visiting my blog these days. Seems like my 15 minuites of fame has come to an end. Just when I was thinking about it...Suddenly a vision came to my mind…
A huge open space, thousands of people all around, they all had with them thousands of small frames having pictures of various colors displayed all around. Hundreds and millions of people moving about on their personal tracks, very thin tracks, criss crossing tracks, they are moving about and checking out the pictures on the frames. I too had a frame of mine and soon as I started following my track, million others crossed it, millions came visit the colors on my frame, thousands liked it and hundreds complimented it, and then they started moving about again and the space around me become desolate. My frame still on display and I wait alone with just one hand around my shoulder giving me hope support and assurance “It will be back…hang on”. That hand is yours. Do you know who you are
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Second step in blogdom. A lot is being said and done about blogs these days. Blogs are now being considered as a stress buster, as a weapon of an opinionated and educated son of the democratic India (so what if he is working for an MNC somewhere in Noida or Gurgaon) blogs are being used as a forum for agitations against the corrupts, corporates use blogs to promote themselves, to instigate rival comments and debates, movies are being promoted, NGOs convey their message through blogs and what not. "A pen was mightier than sword and a key board is mightier than pen".
My blogging started in the beginning of this year when i read an article in Hindustan Times Brunch on Blogging. There was a lots in mind...a lot to talk about, to express, to convey all wanted to come out at a time the result was 'This is my Truth'. I am not a very well read person. I never knew I could write. And I think I actually could never write. Its just that as I started penning, rather typing, whatever I had in mind, words just kept flowing and I had my posts ready. I got inspired by my own writing to write more. I started admiring my own self.
I am not some one who follow the trend but I am also some one who doesn't likes to be left alone (I hate loneliness I still live in with him though) So when everyone around is optimising the various utility of Blogging I thought may be I should too lay downa a piece of my mind. My previous blogs still remains the same old blog about me, myself and I and this space is for what I feel about things and people, events and issues, gizmos and gadgets around me. Also this space would showcase the best from my previous blog.