Sunday, August 27, 2006

I am hating wordpress. Except for one good thing that it allows me to add Pages, wordpress overall is giving me a pain in my ass. It's so f*^&ing slow... everytime it asks me stupid are being redirecting to no secure connections.....blah blah...even before logging in to wordpress it would ask these questions. I wonder if the source is non secure why the hell am I trying to log in to it.

It doesnt allow me to delete my posts, it says I don't have permission to perfom that....who the hell would give me permission now. Its so damn irritating. I thought of shifting from blogspot to wordpress so that I can organise this large blog into proper categories and that bugger won't let me edit or add new categories now. I have been only able to rename the default 'uncategorized' thing

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

I am in the process of moving to Wordpress
That page is still under construction. Facing some technical difficulties. Would give a final notice here before leaving this space. Meanwhile keep visiting.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Good Bye Kakan

I had always romanticized the idea of an early and famous friend had it and now am 'living' her 'death'....

I have wondered how would it be to be suddenly gone...what if people who knew me loved me finds out I am no more... will they cry for me? Of course they will.... what about those who don't keep in touch with me any more... will they cry for me? The men who broke my heart and never looked back.......would they even come to know? May be not... I am always wanting to be famous just so that when I die the world knows. The idea of a lonely death scares me...

Am always wanting to tell my sister that if I die suddenly call everybody that I ever knew and say bye to them on my behalf..... I don't know if she said the same to her bro... but I know there are people who would probably never come to know or may be would know it after a long passage of time, unless I tell them today...

So I told them one by one - Somewhere near Rudra Prayag in Uttranchal is a place called Siyalsaur...there flows river Mandakini... on 14th August 2006 Kakan went swimming in the river... 3 other friends were sitting by the river bank. Suddenly they saw her being pulled in the middle of the river and then withing few seconds she disappeared into the water... Its been 8 days they still haven't found her body. She is gone. We have lost her.

And now I am living her death. I am witnessing how it feels to leave suddenly. I have been witnessing how her casual friends who she used to meet once in a while took it, witnessing her ex bf (not much official), the Lets go group members, her new found close friend and although I didn't actually witness what her parents and bro are going through but I can make out.... I look helplessly at her orkut page, people scrap her "hey kakan what's up" scraps that would never be answered, pages that would never be updated again, mailing lists which would no longer hear from one of their members....and they would never know what happened...why the silence.

I read her mails on the Let's Go list....the ones she wrote right before leaving for the trip...
All sounds cool !!! Am really quite enthu about the trek ..hope I dont
breakany bones...

she says

I am gonna be carrying dettol and band aid and few first aidstuff

In another mail she was discussing the schedule

16th august : We would be reaching back to delhi ( hopefully we would have

I met Kakan her in MARG in August 2003 we were coleagues for just one month. Since the day one I knew she was of my type may be because we both were aquarians... but then how deep can your friendship grow when you are coleagues. Oh but we did have some great drinking and singing session she used to love to sing...and she was a great singer. She specialized in Child and adoloscent psychology and started her carreer by giving counselling session on a child helpline.

One of the songs she used to sing every now and then those days I am listening right now... Allah ke bande has de - Kailash Kher.

She didn't stay for the whole project left too early on some misunderstanding with other members on the team. I, in anycase am never the one to call up people to keep in touch. And the way she left I had more reasons to leave her alone for sometime. But then she herself called. She took a job in London and wanted to meet me before she leaves. She had invited all the other Margees but none of them came only I did. Honestly, I wasn't too enthusiastic about it but couldn't turn down her...the way she would look at you with her chirpy giggle and innocence, you really can't turn her down. The way she used to that is.

Through her stay in London, the annual breaks in which she came to India and after her return couple of months back, she had always been the one to keep in touch. She used to always call and find out how I was doing. She was some one who would want to help you with everything. Once she wanted me to meet me and I wasn't in the mood and so I said I wasn't feeling well she said, "what happned to you, I can get medicine" (her father is Delhi's renowned homeopath Dr. Kalyan Banerjee)

They have a story on her on Sunday's Hindustan Times (20th), Monday's (21st) TOI and Tuesday's (22nd) Indian Express. May be some of those friends of her who even I don't know would read the newspapers. I think I know how would they would react but lemme not get into that.

We don't have time to live...let alone fight, hold grudges, have differences, prejudices....its so often that we don't call our friends and keep in touch...we believe they are there and then suddeny one of them is gone... As I feel helpless with my eyes running out of tears for her I am reminded of one of her comments on this blog

Cheer up samy ..its never worth losing what was not yours .. you always
make me believe that.. shouldnt the same go for u too.. what wasnt yours cant be
worth anything when its lost..

U inspire life ..remember that..Cose you gotta gift of doing good ..

Life will go on Kakan, we all would move on, I know that's the harsh reality of life...we all want to live..... but you left a space in some of our life that would never be filled. Rest in peace beloved freind...guess you were a fallen star and weren't meant to be in this world full of misery and pain for too long...guess that's why you were so full of life always........since you weren't meant to stay.

Those who would want to get in touch with Kakan's grieving family can mail me for the numbers.

All are requested to pray for her soul and her family's well being.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

birth of a smile

Two drops fell from her eyes
Landed on a feather passing by
Were carried to a place unknown
touched an ailing soul
and a smile was born

Sunday, August 06, 2006

People sometimes act so cowardly and Hypocritacilly. I once wrote this testimonial for some one I knew. Asked for his feedback on what I had to write about him. He read it and got so panic stricken, left offliners for me, comments on the blog itself and then spoke over the phone asking me to do the needful editing. The reason for panic...only the following words

the rest of his time is spent in drinking and shopping.

I haven't written drinking what...haven't mentioned anything like he drinks a lot and is a drunkard. Just the mention of drinks is defamatory for him. He is an IITian and an MBA has spent 3 years in abroad (Ameriaca, Singapore etc) holding top notch corporate position and yet by those words I have put him at the risk of loosing his reputation in the eyes of society and family. This is what he had to say (Yahoo Messenger Offliners)

SP: dont forget internet is an open book! u have to be careful about what u
write else people can make 1+1 = 4!
SP: oye madam ... yeh kya kya likh rakha hai aapne logon ke baare mein! no
one here drinks like a fish or shops like an alcoholic! all we do is have a
party or 2 in a month! KIndly edit as not only my friends/bros/sis are net savvy
but also this sends a wrong message across!

A wrong message??? Coz I said drinks? Reputation of what? Since when did drinking become such a taboo. Who are you fooling man. Don't the people around you already know that you drink. And a friendly testimony, in which, of the many things there is a passing reference to your drinking habits would be taken so seriously by your friends and family? Strange!

Grow up People of India. Open your eyes to things which are of much more significance than mere reputation, tradition, culture, morality, sanctity, decent indecent...there's much more to the human existence. Log kya sochenge...kab tak hum is sawal mein uljhe rahenge...can I not find one person who isn't burdened with this question, whose soul is free. How can we close our eyes to things which are too evident to proclaim that they doesn't exist.

Probably your Net-savy sisters also drink and if they do....big deal... shouldn't be an issue with your parents or family.