I don't know what love is? But I have always wanted to fall in love. Wanted to give my everything, from body to mind, all my pride, all my fears, all my weaknesses, all my anger, all my laughter, to this one person who would take care of all of them. All my dispositions are meant to find that one person. I didn't know who would he be, didn't know how he'd look or sound...just knew this much that he would be some one who stands out. So everytime I came accross one such person who looked different I would wonder...if he is the one.
In my early 20s I used to think when I find one such person I'll marry him. With time I got so cynical at the institution of marriage that everything about it started bothering me. Now am about to turn 30 and have lost all intentions of ever getting into a marriage. Some may say that this is because I could never find that man. May be. But the point is, by mid 20s my mind set was such that any man walking the tried and tested path which led to a home, wife, kids and car, ceased to be some one who stands out in my eyes. In effect, on today's date, men in general fail to impress me.
However there are always those original sins I am tempted to commit. A 'desire' to be a part of that man's life..whose life I find unusual. Men who didn't and wouldn't walk the tested path. When I come accross one such man I casually befriend him (keeping my exitement of having found him very secret), Keep a safe distance, lest he gets concious, but keep him in my mind nonetheless.
Now what happens when one such man walks into my life on his own and knocks on my door? Hard to resist such temptations. Not that I don't try.
So I asked him,
"Who are you and what are you doing with me? What, a guy as dazzling as you are is doing with a girl like me. Still trying to figure out why is lady luck
suddenly so glad at me.....
And I wondered
may be you are trying to grab that last streak of freedom slipping out of
your hand.. may be you know u are in the last stage of your bachelorhood and
that's why trying to make the best of it.... by being with me for a while....
And I said
so am not sure if this conversation went grt from ur side coz u were trying
to find a sponge...or r u always good at conversation... if it's the former...
chances r we'd be talking for some more days.......till u come out of a
phase....and if it's the latter chances are we could be good friends...
So he gave very convincing answers to all my worst fears and why won't he... after all he is some one 'I' found outstanding. Of all the things he said one was mentionable...
u decide....wat u want to do ..sam.... if u dont want me near u...then am
gonna miss you..but i am gonna keep an eye out for u sam..like it or
Finally I could negotiate (with my fears) at a time period of 3 months...maximum that he is gonna be around...interestingly we did not (rather he did not) keep in touch for more than 10 days. I was back at wondering what went wrong....why just 10 days. So I go back to our chat conversations, emails.....
I think I know what happened... I did the mistake of being honest with him, of telling him what was on my mind. I told him he was like my dream man walking straight out of my dreams. He got scared. Scared of me pinning hopes on him.
i get the feeling that i might be doing you more harm than good by just
hanging around you...and it was never my intention to harm or hurt you
I wanted to explain him that I am not your average girl next door waiting to catch a big fish (read suitable boy), tie a knot (read marriage) and rest in peace (open to interpreatation). Wanted to tell him meeting my dream man means nothing to me for I don't know what is to be done with these dream men. Are we supposed to marry them when we meet them? are we supposed to fall in love? what is love? what do we do after we fall in love? Marry? Wanted to explain him I was not going to cling on him or create trouble for him by gettomg into an emotional hysteria.
But I couldn't tell him these [and therefore I am blogging?]. We didn't really talk. He suddenly got this so called feeling and started distancing [compared to whatever closeness we had for a week] himself from me. He thought phasing out was the best idea.
The irony of the whole story is this......He did tell me he was into a five year old relationship which had turned bitter.... and the bitterness started when he got scared of marriage.....and that he was still scared....... But he never told me his marraige was just round the corner...... 10-12 days from now. If he would have told me I wouldn't have answered any of his knocks. Damn!
In today's world of connectivity its hard to wipe off someone's existence from your life. So I deleted his number from my cell, but the sms were there, deleted them and realised the number was saved in call records. Cell is clean now but I got him on orkut and Gtalk. Assuming I delete him from there also I can always bump into him in the Courts....like I did into Ronnie. Its a small world really.
All said and done the truth remains he charmed me......... with everything, his sensous voice, carefree attitude, sharp looks, intelligence, confidence...... Having met him just once..... I felt I was wrong when I said "love can never happen one sided", I could identify with the feelings of that friend to who I always adviced, "dump him he doenst loves you". To me, he came accross as someone who can be as jerky as he wants and yet the emotional fool in me would want to give him my every thing to him.....
To you, if you reading this, this is my truth, my bitterness and compliments all packaged together for you, we might never meet again in this life, She must be some one really special and deserving. Take care. Good Bye. Could have mailed you. But no. You get to know me only when you make an over effort to know me i.e. read my blog.
Updates on my life otherwise:
Oops I did it again. Have quit my job again. Don't feel good about it but have a strong feeling whatever happened is for good. I might shift base out of Delhi... wow seems like those hindi film situations......one of them getting married and the other is rushing towards airport to catch a plane....duur kahin ek nayi zindegi ke talaash mein.... Kahani puri filmy hai veeru.
The other charming man of 2006 my good friend is getting married on 29th of this month. I might not be attending. I am on a spree of not attending any wedding celebration. Had already missed one. Two more are lined up. A school friend 20 years of strong friendship. Then there is my closest cousin bro.
Been 4 days at a row have spent time only with myself. Didn't step out of home, folks gone to calcutta for cousin's wedding. Been at loneliness 100%. Feels good.