Saturday, May 13, 2006

I happen to know this person through Yahoo Messenger who is married, is a father to a daughter, loves both of them truly but is looking for one night stands without having any strings attached. When asked why such weird desire he says coz he can't ask his wife to fulfill his fantasies.

I see a social problem in him. Sex is one of the biggest truth of nature after probably death. Nothing else is as certain as the desire and need for sex between humans, animals, plants and all other organisms. It comes so naturally to us that to try to fight with our sexual urges and curb them down would be an act extremely against the order of nature. Good sex they say can keep a persons body and mind healthy and just as lack of vitamis and minerals affects our health, non availibility of a medium to satisfy our sexual urges also affects our mental and physical health. This is so because the sexual urge that we have is a part of the many systems that works in our body. We have been given these glands which would natually secrete hormones and when that happens our body reacts natually to it. This is all chemistry.

When two people get married, of all the things they promise, they also promise, whether directly or impliedly, to fulfill this most natural need of each other. But in India sex is such a taboo that a man who might be more sexually charged than his wife is actually ashamed of it.

In our culture even husband wives can't talk bout sex. Not only that, some times we have such stupid traditions making sex more and more a topic of shame and indecency. In joint families the bolted door to a couple's room is supposed to be opened up early morning before the elderly members of the family wakes up. They have to pretend they didn't do it last night. Particularly for the
bahu it is a matter of embarrassment if she is still with her husband behind closed doors when rest of the family has woken up.

Another weird habit is the hush hush tone we use when a woman is found to be expecting a baby. Why? Because the fact that she is expecting makes it evident that they did it...... duh.... Otherwise the people in the house were under the impression that the couple were just kidding themselves......... So we have these stupid cliched movie scenes where this wife is getting all red blushing to such extremity that I don't even know how to explain, while she break the news of her pregnancy to the family members and to top it all, to her own husband. I mean what on earth is there to be embarrassed of or blush...


This guy never fully told me what his fantasies are so I don't know how weird they are but whatever it is, I feel he shouldn't have any hesitations to ask for it from his wife. If she is ok with it, nothing can be better, if she isn't, they can talk about it, think over it, try to find some way out, may be see a therapist. But here we have him thinking its gonna be indecent on his part to talk about sex with his own wife and therefore indulging in adultery.

I have noticed this in some traditional bengali families that once the children are in their teen age and the parents are in mid 40s they cease to sleep together in the same room. It is considered indecent to give out this impression in front of the rest of the people in the house including the grown up kids, that the parents still enjoy their marital intercourse. How unnatural is that. I just don't get it.

I know this guy for more than 6-7 months now and yes our chat conversation did start when he popped up my PC with this proposal of his. He didnt want to talk about anything else, didn't even want to know anything about me or my life, just wanted an answer to his proposal in Yes or No. Being the smooth talker that I am, I managed to start talking and since then we been talking. And over time I found out he is actually a nice guy and not some pervert, is sensitive, caring, responsible, intelligent, loves his wife and would never want to hurt her...but then why?
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Lemme ask this question to all of you here.... do you think this person is an one off case or do you think there are many such persons around...... just that they don't talk bout it honestly........?? And do you have a sexual fantasy that you are embarrassed of?

20 comments:

southpaw said...

Extremely though provoking stuff, i m a married man myself, shall surely come back in length on this.

Amit said...

Is being married important in the first place?

Very thought provoking, as south paw said.

encounter specialist said...

hmm....they shd nt hv eaten the apple at the 1st place...

Iam9 said...

Being married doesn't give a ticket to adultery...its a total loss of direction one is headin' for.

Sanjukta said...

@ Amit and I am 9
This has nothing to do with marriage... Of course marriage isn't important..who says it is... and No way.. nothing gives tickets to adultery..

But I am asking a simple question here... Is it a social problem that this man is embarassed of his sexual fantasy and can't talk about it with his wife..???

Iam9 said...

u urself has validated ur point...yep our society is very much to play a vital role...its the upbringin' n culture tht we entertain makes it hard to free frm such clutches.

southpaw said...

Problem with such guys is that they r open and clean with every women except their own wives. And the wives r to be blamed as well as during the initial moments of their marriage whenever the guy talks about such fantansies, the wives wud literally run away or just give the good old Devika Rani pose and just ignore the whole thing. Must be sounding like the same old masculine crap, but this is what i hear 24/7 from my colleagues and every moment i thank my stars for granting me an understanding wife.

? said...

interesting.

lots of people seem to think that sexual "intelligence" seems to be a product of a hangover of a 'victorian' society . . .

you think ?

Ajay said...

If the guy is seriously looking for one-night stands elsewhere, I'll say there's something seriously wrong in their mariage, and all that talk about him loving his wife is all bunkum.
What happens if he does indulge in a one-night stand, and he ends up liking it?(which he probably will)
what does he do then? wont he be tempted to do it again? And woldnt then it be called cheating?
While it is basic human nature to seek pleasure, but monetary bpdily pleasure may carry along with the risk of major casues of woe?
and one more thing, ask him how he would react if he finds out if his wife starts seeking pleasure elsewhere as weel. what happens to the marriage, and to their daughter?
This guy is about to open a can of worms. I hope someone drills some sense into him b4 its too late.
While I agree marriage in todays times is not essential to be in a relationship, whatever the society may say, but still; once he has committed himself to one, he shold learn to control his baser urges.

Anonymous said...

well the whole discussion is pretty rhetorical....u hav mentioned that its a Social issue....and yea its a very pertinent Social issue......

answers are pretty much what u hav given....best talked & sorted out within the couple...

rest lemme assure will never work...

ramit

Anonymous said...

well the whole discussion is pretty rhetorical....u hav mentioned an dmost of us who have commented do agree that its a Social issue....and yea its a very pertinent Social issue......

answers are pretty much what u hav given and have been posted by all u ppl out there....it is best talked & sorted out within the couple...

rest lemme assure will never work...

ramit

Enemy of the Republic said...

They are all over the place. Men and women. The internet makes infidelity and temptation easier. I won't tell another person how to live their life, but I will say that people are finding new ways to vent their unhappiness.

Sanjukta said...

@ SouthPaw, Ramit..
So this is a social problem.... but shouldn't we be doing somehting about it?? Does anybody thinks the rampant rape can have anything to do with this social problem??

@ Ramit
Talk..but that's the whole point, here the person is embarrassed to talk because of his upbrining in a particular manner or whatever..

The social attributes of sexuality gotta change...... I ask....where should the change begin to occur?

@ ?
?? Couldn't get you dude... Sexual intelligence? Victorian Era?

@ Ajay
A very practical and doable appoach.. kinda my approach too... but a little straight jacketed... This man's case is different

@ ALL
Thanks for commenting
Hoping to see more comments would be summing up the discussion soon..along with some more thoughts

ashish said...

Firstly thanks for the candid post.
This post reminded me of Martin Amis's writeup on Gloria Steinem (the collected works are in a book called the moronic inferno). I forget the exact words but the uptake was that the Victorian notion of marriage (one man-one woman) for life is so out-of-wack with reality that the only people who should probably participate in the Victorian notion of marriage are probably people for whome this might be a fetish, like leather or S&M or something like that.
It is an issue beyond India - immaculate conception in christianity is after all a device (alleast that is one theory) to mitiate the guilt of sex.
It is a much larger issue than that married father on yahoo IM - the design flaws of marriage are too many to recount here.
BTW: In europe the number of kids born to unmarried woman is 1:3 - so there is a change happening across the world, but yes in India the problem is even more acute given the social mores - OK this is getting way too long. Maybe I will put a post on my blog.

Anonymous said...

I am a single still unmarried and my thought was that a man can satisfy all his fantasies with his own wife.
At present I think, that i can share all my fanatsies to my future wife who ever she will be because there is no other deep intimate relationship except b/w husbsnd snd wife and this man is not able to share it with his wife then surely I want to remember a quote which my senoior said "If 1 thousand women come in a way of a man,he will try to xplore each and every of them with out a thought a hesitation.

Anonymous said...

I am a single still unmarried and my thought was that a man can satisfy all his fantasies with his own wife.
At present I think, that i can share all my fanatsies to my future wife who ever she will be because there is no other deep intimate relationship except b/w husbsnd snd wife and this man is not able to share it with his wife then surely I want to remember a quote which my senoior said "If 1 thousand women come in a way of a man,he will try to xplore each and every of them with out a thought or hesitation.

Anonymous said...

This is very intriguing stuff. The best part is whenever we are posed with such kind of situation we take on the role of Judge and start making critical acclaims about Morals and the issues linked with it. We love to pass judgements. Why So? And why would I think that its a social Problem.
Its purely that guys personal view point and personal Preferences.
Even if he talks to his wife to fulfil his fantasy , he will still find many unexplored areas, which will again justify his going back to one night stands.
I think we all have fantasies. Even woman have more fantasy's than men..as i would assume.
The difference is in the method of expression. For guys its easy to pick up One Night Stands ( Paid or Unpaid) . Lets not forget there are many many unpaid one night stands/ encounters one comes thru. So mind you on the other end is a woman only , who is not charging but in some way is fulfilling her fantasies.
Why is it that when a man has a one night stand , people pass a judgement on his adulturous ways. All of us have been adulturous in some way or another.
I would term a man and a woman going out for a drink and spending a few hours together without their family knowing is adultery too.Why should only the final physical act taken as adultery.
There is nothing called a partial sexual orientation or a full orientation. You can do uptil here and not beyond...doesnt absolve you of the so call sin/merit of sex. It just a self justification. Thats all.

What about married women who have affairs with men or vice vers. While the entire theme is Physical and Mental gratification : it is often coloured as unhappiness in the house, uncaring attitude of the husband etc etc.

Listen , let all of us come out of our self inflicted Moral justifications. Moral Parameters can be different in different environments and circumstances.

What is important is that we do what we feel is right or dont do what we feel is wrong. I enjoy drinking but for some it may be wrong...u know what I mean.

At least that guy is honest ( if he is) to say that he goes for one night stands to fulfil his fantasies. He could have taken a stance that he is deeply depressed on account of Maritial problems and therefore needs a outlet. Well we would have sympathised with him...eh right.

And I also do feel that in a Husband - wife relationship it does happen that sex becomes a perfunctionary act and looses the adventure attached to it. A new face can invigorate it.

Hey I am not passing a judgement at all whether he is right or wrong.

All I am saying is Let all make merry and do what they like the best as long as they are not inflicting pain and suffering on someone els.

Cheers

KAKAN BANERJEE said...

Our social systems are such that it is sometimes considered a sign of weakness to 'give in' .. more of a 'woman's thing' to bend rather than a man.
Keeping that in mind ..when a man has sexual urge during his mid life crisis it is the'power of control' that our social system puts in place that doesnt allow him to approach his wife. of what u said I dont have any idea bout other family conditions of this man .. probably sex leading to accidently pregnancy cant be risked and therefore need for sex with third party.. the reasons could really be linked to a whole lot of issues though..

glad to see the comments and the thought

Santa said...

I read this mail after all the stuff on the lets_go group. I agree that the blog is very thought provoking, but I have to clarify some points here.
1. the Victorian era was not like we know it in the beginning, it was an age of debauchery, but when her husband died, the queen banned all forms of extra-curricular activities.
2. Has anyone given a thought that the person who wants to act out his fantasy is just looking for a quick lay and not interested in actually seeing that his fantasy is worked out.
3. On the subject of fantasies, please read any of the books of Nancy Friday, they are thought provoking.

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