Saturday, August 19, 2006

Good Bye Kakan

I had always romanticized the idea of an early and famous death...my friend had it and now am 'living' her 'death'....

I have wondered how would it be to be suddenly gone...what if people who knew me loved me finds out I am no more... will they cry for me? Of course they will.... what about those who don't keep in touch with me any more... will they cry for me? The men who broke my heart and never looked back.......would they even come to know? May be not... I am always wanting to be famous just so that when I die the world knows. The idea of a lonely death scares me...

Am always wanting to tell my sister that if I die suddenly call everybody that I ever knew and say bye to them on my behalf..... I don't know if she said the same to her bro... but I know there are people who would probably never come to know or may be would know it after a long passage of time, unless I tell them today...

So I told them one by one - Somewhere near Rudra Prayag in Uttranchal is a place called Siyalsaur...there flows river Mandakini... on 14th August 2006 Kakan went swimming in the river... 3 other friends were sitting by the river bank. Suddenly they saw her being pulled in the middle of the river and then withing few seconds she disappeared into the water... Its been 8 days they still haven't found her body. She is gone. We have lost her.

And now I am living her death. I am witnessing how it feels to leave suddenly. I have been witnessing how her casual friends who she used to meet once in a while took it, witnessing her ex bf (not much official), the Lets go group members, her new found close friend and although I didn't actually witness what her parents and bro are going through but I can make out.... I look helplessly at her orkut page, people scrap her "hey kakan what's up" scraps that would never be answered, pages that would never be updated again, mailing lists which would no longer hear from one of their members....and they would never know what happened...why the silence.

I read her mails on the Let's Go list....the ones she wrote right before leaving for the trip...
All sounds cool !!! Am really quite enthu about the trek ..hope I dont
breakany bones...

she says

I am gonna be carrying dettol and band aid and few first aidstuff

In another mail she was discussing the schedule

16th august : We would be reaching back to delhi ( hopefully we would have
survived..hehe)

I met Kakan her in MARG in August 2003 we were coleagues for just one month. Since the day one I knew she was of my type may be because we both were aquarians... but then how deep can your friendship grow when you are coleagues. Oh but we did have some great drinking and singing session she used to love to sing...and she was a great singer. She specialized in Child and adoloscent psychology and started her carreer by giving counselling session on a child helpline.

One of the songs she used to sing every now and then those days I am listening right now... Allah ke bande has de - Kailash Kher.

She didn't stay for the whole project left too early on some misunderstanding with other members on the team. I, in anycase am never the one to call up people to keep in touch. And the way she left I had more reasons to leave her alone for sometime. But then she herself called. She took a job in London and wanted to meet me before she leaves. She had invited all the other Margees but none of them came only I did. Honestly, I wasn't too enthusiastic about it but couldn't turn down her...the way she would look at you with her chirpy giggle and innocence, you really can't turn her down. The way she used to that is.

Through her stay in London, the annual breaks in which she came to India and after her return couple of months back, she had always been the one to keep in touch. She used to always call and find out how I was doing. She was some one who would want to help you with everything. Once she wanted me to meet me and I wasn't in the mood and so I said I wasn't feeling well she said, "what happned to you, I can get medicine" (her father is Delhi's renowned homeopath Dr. Kalyan Banerjee)

They have a story on her on Sunday's Hindustan Times (20th), Monday's (21st) TOI and Tuesday's (22nd) Indian Express. May be some of those friends of her who even I don't know would read the newspapers. I think I know how would they would react but lemme not get into that.

We don't have time.......no time to live...let alone fight, hold grudges, have differences, prejudices....its so often that we don't call our friends and keep in touch...we believe they are there and then suddeny one of them is gone... As I feel helpless with my eyes running out of tears for her I am reminded of one of her comments on this blog

Cheer up samy ..its never worth losing what was not yours .. you always
make me believe that.. shouldnt the same go for u too.. what wasnt yours cant be
worth anything when its lost..

U inspire life ..remember that..Cose you gotta gift of doing good ..

Life will go on Kakan, we all would move on, I know that's the harsh reality of life...we all want to live..... but you left a space in some of our life that would never be filled. Rest in peace beloved freind...guess you were a fallen star and weren't meant to be in this world full of misery and pain for too long...guess that's why you were so full of life always........since you weren't meant to stay.


Those who would want to get in touch with Kakan's grieving family can mail me for the numbers.

All are requested to pray for her soul and her family's well being.

5 comments:

Amit said...

Aaj jane ki jid na karo....

Manish Bhatt said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Manish Bhatt said...

What can I say but- I know the feeling. I partake in praying with you for the peace of the departed soul.

ashish said...

I met Kakan and you briefly when we did a bloggers movie "Davinci code". Am distressed that we shall not see her sunny self again. Hang in there - life can be so....

Anonymous said...

I have never seen Kakan, never known her, and know that I never will. Yet, I feel that I know her through this blog and many other posts by her as "kakone". I feel I know her and often at night I feel she speaks to me. She has volumes to speak... not that she shares those with me expect the fact that she makes me feel she wanted to live...