I have run out of ideas to create further posts on my blog. But I am a wannabe writer. I cannot possibly run out of writing ideas in just about 10 month’s time. So lemme see what’s all there that I have written about and what’s all there I can write about.

Things I write about:-

My heart
My loneliness
My Frustration
Fights with Family
The absence of some one to love

My mind
What all I think
What's my take on latest issues.
On women’s empowerment.
On Legalizing Sex Trade
On Freedom
On the funny side of Life the good old days gone by
Exitement of Blogger's Meets

Things I don’t write about

My Heart
My petty crushes…which I keep having even at my age
My secret affairs
Those ups and downs in my secret affairs
Those secret desires
My Secret Admirer
People I curse with those cruel curses every time I am jealous
Sharp edged lines I write when I am infuriated with family

My mind
Which knows where have I failed
Incidents where I was on the wrong side
Politics cause I don’t understand it
Modern Art
Book reviews, both for the same reasons
Fellow bloggers

Not a very long list and there can be more to it… I haven’t been writing things I can write about from my heart because I am not feeling anything off late. Smile or frown, none whatsoever. About things I can write from my mind I am taking too much of time to compose them. But they would soon come up. If only I was a little less lazy.

Not many people are visiting my blog these days. Seems like my 15 minuites of fame has come to an end. Just when I was thinking about it...Suddenly a vision came to my mind…

A huge open space, thousands of people all around, they all had with them thousands of small frames having pictures of various colors displayed all around. Hundreds and millions of people moving about on their personal tracks, very thin tracks, criss crossing tracks, they are moving about and checking out the pictures on the frames. I too had a frame of mine and soon as I started following my track, million others crossed it, millions came visit the colors on my frame, thousands liked it and hundreds complimented it, and then they started moving about again and the space around me become desolate. My frame still on display and I wait alone with just one hand around my shoulder giving me hope support and assurance “It will be back…hang on”. That hand is yours. Do you know who you are

My second step

Second step in blogdom. A lot is being said and done about blogs these days. Blogs are now being considered as a stress buster, as a weapon of an opinionated and educated son of the democratic India (so what if he is working for an MNC somewhere in Noida or Gurgaon) blogs are being used as a forum for agitations against the corrupts, corporates use blogs to promote themselves, to instigate rival comments and debates, movies are being promoted, NGOs convey their message through blogs and what not. "A pen was mightier than sword and a key board is mightier than pen".
My blogging started in the beginning of this year when i read an article in Hindustan Times Brunch on Blogging. There was a lots in mind...a lot to talk about, to express, to convey all wanted to come out at a time the result was 'This is my Truth'. I am not a very well read person. I never knew I could write. And I think I actually could never write. Its just that as I started penning, rather typing, whatever I had in mind, words just kept flowing and I had my posts ready. I got inspired by my own writing to write more. I started admiring my own self.

I am not some one who follow the trend but I am also some one who doesn't likes to be left alone (I hate loneliness I still live in with him though) So when everyone around is optimising the various utility of Blogging I thought may be I should too lay downa a piece of my mind. My previous blogs still remains the same old blog about me, myself and I and this space is for what I feel about things and people, events and issues, gizmos and gadgets around me. Also this space would showcase the best from my previous blog.

The VIII th Delhi Bloggers Meet - This is how it went

I was walking alone on the path to nowhere
wanderers kept joining and a caravan was formed...

Rohit , Amit and Navnee t were the first ones who started walking. Two of them first timers weren't too sure of the DBM standard time. At that time somewhere near South-west delhi, a lady driven car was going a little haywire as she was busy attending calls on her cell phone, "are you coming?" Says Rohit. "Yes yes I am driving wud be there in some 30 min". Mam I am calling from Hutch...Listen I am driving call me later Hello samyukta this is Avikal call me when you reach there. So Avikal joins in. Ankur had reached by that time but was waiting in the main entrance for a more known person so as to curb the uneasiness of walking up to a stranger group and asking them if they were bloggers. Finally Sanjukta reaches. I don't wear a watch so my 30-35 min delay can please be excused...abhi to kaarwan banna baaki hai...Prasoon's joining in, 5 mins thereafter, triggered the hi and hello followed by one of the most significant question for the evening "who decided on the venue". In another 10 minuites Aseem joined. The meet has officially kicked off by now and the discussions went towards "The various Kinds of risk (real, financial...from insurance point of view. what did you guys think?) the latest browsers for netsurfing, the source of the term blog, the various tools available for blogging, the best blog hosts, what's RSS and XML". Avikal and Prasoon had to excuse themselves from the meet because of some other engagements they had. And so they did, but not before Prasoon, who breathes Lata regaled us with "Lag ja gale". He promised us we'd be hearing more of him singing in the future meets. (You did promise right prasoon?) The Meet then moved from Manipur stall to the open stage of Delhi Haat. All these while we were being assured by Harneet, Yogesh and Nikhil that they would join the caravan. Right when a very sensitive issue was about to be discussed, in which we might have required all those weapons kreeti (she wasn't there) was talking about, Harneet, joined in and saved us all. Followed by Yogesh and Nikhil (who came all huffing and puffing trying to find a parking) and was absolutely disappointed with the venue due to the reason of unavailibility of Alcohol. An issue the organisors must pay attention to next time onwards in public Interest. The final ones to join the group was Arun, Sushil and Shalini. A fresh round of discussion started focussing on topics like creative service industry, books publications, changing/emerging/newly acquired role of Blogs etcetera.

Nikhil's agitating mind and heart was calm for a while with the pseudo beer (Fruit Beer) but he again became restless trying to arrange for passess to the Rockoctober Fest. Looking at his plight Amit sacrificed his pass and Nikhil was seen walking out of the meet happilly. But Alas he was restless again in the parking area trying to locate his car...poor guy never got any peace...

Prasoon, hope you'd upload the pics and as you said do send us the links of some of those blog related techno sites.

Navneet, good job.

Avikal, thanks for joining. Hope the group would hear from you.

Thanks everybody for taking out time from your schedule to attend the Meet.

Log saath aate rahenge aur karwaan banta jaayega...This journey would continue, this show will go on, those who couldn't make it yesterday...watch out for the IX th Delhi Bloggers Meet.

VIII th DBM

Where am I these days? Amidst Exitement and Exasperation. Exited about my new role as a Socio-legal Researcher doing research for an USAID funded project. The social activist has taken over the corporate bitch...for some considerable length of time to come i guess...Am Exasperated about my Car's average, crazy drivers on the road, drivers who r in love with the (horns of cars i mean), those who would honk me even if I am driving at 55-60 when the speed limit is 40 (i have heard speed limit for cars on a delhi road is 50 isn't that funny) suddenly the number of a**h***s have increased on Delhi roads, driving 24 kms a day am running out foul words. Furthermore exasperated about the dysfunctional central lock, the broken light, a virus in my computer, an urgent requirement but total absence of a valid passport, running colors of my two Kurtas...the list can go on

Anyways at least there's one good news, the good news is that the Delhi Blogger's October Meet (the VIII th DBM) is happening.

Date: Saturday, 22nd October 2005

Time: 5 pm onwards

Venue: Dilli Haat, Manipur Stall

Agenda: Some meaningful conversation where people speak (not just talk) and listen (not just hear) followed by couple of silly jokes, some bursting into laughter with or without reason and lots of momos...

Participants: Anyone and everyone who stays in and around of delhi, or can make it to Delhi on that day, owns a blog, reads blogs or is interested in creating or reading blogs. Interestingly, you are welcome even if you hate blogs...

Please ensure participation at the largest possible number...spread the news amongst your friends, post message on your respective blogs...talk about it in ur workplace...etc.

Dating Etiquette Act, 2005

Dating Etiquette Act, 2005

An Act to codify the legislator’s ideas regarding the term called dating and to clear the stupid clichéd meaning given to the concept by the Indian middle class

Chapter – I – Preliminary

1. Short title and Extent - The law hereunder may collectively be known as the ‘dating Act’ and would be extended to any and every man irrespective of any caste, creed, race, age, region, religion or country, who wishes to, have at any point of time in the past 28 years had and does dates me with both retrospective and prospective effect.

2. Definitions – in this act unless there is anything repugnant in the subject or context, the given terms shall have, so far as this Act is concerned, the meaning as ascribed herein.

(a) Legislator – that will be me the creator of the present law known by the name Sanjukta, Sanju, Sanj, San, Sans, Samyukta, Samy, Sam with Basu being the common surname for all the above names, having no relation whatsoever to Bipasha Basu and any resemblance to her, if found, would be purely coincidental, surgical, or as a part of the beholders hallucination or optical illusion.

(b) Flowers – shall not include any flower of the type belonging to gobi ka phool, geande ka phool and a certain red Jaba (Bengali nomenclature) phool which is exclusively used for the purpose of worshipping Goddess Kaali.

(c) “asking out on a date” - save as otherwise provided in this act, where a man, not being in any manner related to the legislator, whether single or married, shows his willingness to meet in person the present legislator for any purpose whatsoever and for whatever duration of time, be it a cup of coffee or a movie or simply to have a look at the legislator in flesh and blood, with an intention of getting to know the legislator better and get closer both physically and emotionally, whether immediately or over a period of time, this shall be known as asking the legislator out on a date.

(d) Date – the person who shows such willingness is known as a date and also the time and day when such a meeting takes place depending upon the context in which the term is used.

Explanation of (c) and (d) (I talk for myself and no one else but myself)

The term ‘dating’ doesn’t necessarily involve the element of ROMANCE. Dating is the very first step towards a relationship, which could be friendship, love, romance or can even turn out to be a professional relationship eventually. I meet a person in a café shop, in the railway reservation counter, in a yahoo chat room, on a networking portal like Orkut, Friendster, in a blogger’s meet, in an art gallery…etc. having exchanged a couple of words we then exchange phone nos. Thereafter, either I completely forget about this guy, never call and never bump into him again or may be we both kinda find each other interesting or may one of us find the other interesting, in which case there is further exchange of phone calls or sms(s). At this point when I and this guy decide to meet each other again, or for the first time (if the earlier meet was virtual) so that we get to know more about each other, I call such meeting as a ‘date’. If he says, “hey how about a cup of coffee tomorrow evening?” That will be like ‘asking me out’. That evening when I go out I will tell my other friends (when asked about my evening plans) that I am going to so and so place on a ‘date’.

In this entire scene there’s nowhere an element, essence or color of Romance or anything even remotely associated with romance. Its just a way to know a person. ‘An intention to spend quality time with an interesting person’ is the crux of the concept of dating. Of course one meeting isn’t enough to know a person. Two meetings is also not enough. So we meet quite often, we try to meet on weekends, what begin with a cup of coffee may now have been replaced by a movie or by art galleries (once again), further blogger’s meets or even outdoor adventure sports…this whole process over the period of time would be termed by me as “we are dating each other”. Which means, our interests match, our ideas of having fun match, our places of weekend hangouts match so we end up spending a lot of quality time together…we do stuffs together. Once again it has got nothing to do with romance. As a matter of fact dating shall end where romance begins. Once I know we are kinda romantically involved I shall call it a courtship and not dating.

Chapter – II – Rules of Dating

3. The longevity of a relationship (whatever kind) will be determined and the chances of giving a proper name and shape to the relationship shall depend upon the person’s dating etiquettes, which should definitely include the following: -

a) Get flowers.

b) Take the lead in most of the things, from which place to go and sit to what drinks to order etc.

c) Talk, about anything…just talk. Don’t let your mind go haywire, concentrate and pay attention to what the other person is saying, don’t let a chilling silence creep in.

d) Smile, just simply smile, don’t try to find a reason to smile.

e) Don’t have any other plans for that evening and if at all you do, don’t say it and don’t let it show up on your face. Don’t keep looking at your watch every now and then. Relax.

f) Say things that comes to your mind but with caution. Be yourself but don’t be rude.

g) DO NOT GO DUTCH on your FIRST date. Do not be entrapped. Yeah dating is costly.

h) Pay a compliment. Either in front of her or after you have departed.

i) Say ‘thanks’ for the time spent.

j) Handle her like a newborn baby…with love, care and affection.

k) Drop her back home.

l) Say “will meet again” just for the heck of it. Say it even if you don’t mean it.

Chapter – III - Effects of a Nice date

4. An evening with all the above etiquettes would certainly lead to a second date, and the second shall lead to third. So on and so forth.

a) The above said manners are most important in a first date. Eventually they can be logically done away with.

b) You need not get flowers on all the subsequent dates. But try to whenever its possible for you.

c) You can stop giving false compliments and be a critique after about 5-6 dates.

d) You can pick up a fight at the same time too.

e) When in fight, fight once its over don’t hold grudge.

Chapter – IV – Physical intimacy while dating

5. Having said that romance has got nothing to do with dating, this is to further clarify that presence of romance would not change the above definition of date, and that this chapter shall come into operation only when either of the party is having romance in his or her mind.

a) Physical intimacy while dating whether allowed or not is a complicated question.

b) On a first date it certainly would be a bit too forthcoming but is not totally prohibited.

c) A lot depends upon the way you carry yourself and the confidence with which you take a step.

d) A nice friendly hug is always welcome.

e) A slight brush of your palm on her cheeks is a nice gesture too.

f) A Kiss is dicey, but you never know…after all if the prince on the white horse kisses the princess would she mind. But make sure it is like the prince kissing Cinderella and not some…you know…

g) Thumb rule is that, never seek her permission, it would make you look like a weak man in her eyes be confident and decent in whatever you do and think before you do.

h) Most inhibitions are meant for the first and couple of subsequent dates, after which public display of affection should not be much of an issue.

The Legislator had never had a perfect date as described above.

pain knocked at my door

A sharp sword cut thru my heart, poor heart was bleeding...voice was choked. All of a sudden all the smiling stars in my eyes turned into scary ugly faces...and a loud sky piercing voice laughed out loud..."you fool, you innocent idiotic dreamer, shame, you expected...don't you know it's a crime, go to hell now."My poor heart is so tired now...of trying to resist the frequent push on the door, people walking in walking out leaving foot prints, rather mud marks, soul has been trying to wipe them off but before she can take care of it more people walking in and out...more dirt...I am closing the doors now...would try harder and harder to resist the next time...wish my heart was made of Iron...wish my eyes were as dry as zaire.

He - Tell me what do you want
She - I can't tell you what I want...you gotta find that out yourself. I never tell anybody what I want...
He - but with me you'll have to say...so tell me
She - I want to be with you, spend time with you, talk to you...
He - You are too demanding...

Just occured...

The more my network grows, the more I meet new people, more I find my self in solititude...I was less lonely when I was alone.

Almost all feminists are heart broken romantics...

A "live in" relationship is better than an "Open Marriage". Marriage is a beautiful term when coupled with Love, open marriage is disrespectful and shows weakness...living in is matter of guts.

The Sequel

Eyes met, hearts melt, flowers blossomed
To be continued…
Let there be no second part
Life is so much better if there is no tomorrow
If there is no after and no before
If only there was only the moment that she was living
Her heart pounding, pulse rating higher, thinking could this be him
Dreaming of her dream once again thinking this is him
Tomorrow there is no dream
Tomorrow she is suspicious, apprehensive
She can’t reach out
She dares not to expect
Tomorrow is truth, she knows bitter
Future was never faithful to her present

She finally found him. He lives in Mars and she in Venus...he has always seen her over the stars...she has always known him over the galaxies. One day she heard a knock on her doors. There was standing an angel, carrying a message from him to her, a message that was lightened up by the glitz of those million galaxies, which it crossed before reaching her. It carried the smell of the flowers that blossomed in his heart when he was writing it…it carried the smile that was there on his lips and the glow that he had in his eyes. She lost herself in that one splendid moment when she took the envelope in her hand…she wanted to sing a song, she wanted to write a poem, she wanted to take a rocket and fly to his planet…

To be continued

"Love, available only in Standard Sizes"
"Friendship, available in all shapes, sizes and colours"

On Freedom

What can I write on it? What can anybody write about it? The word obviously have different dimension for different people. Without trying to go into the wide spectrum of its meaning I would rather confine myself to what it means to me.

‘Freedom’ something I always have longed for, not that I don’t have it… but I just cant get enough. More and more freedom from more and more…everything.

To begin with I need the freedom to have my own definition of ‘freedom’. Off late this is one area that I am having a consistent fight with my dad. Coming home at 11 twice a week and 12.30 to 1 once a week…what was I doing, with who and where? Don’t ask me such questions I hate giving explanations. I need my freedom I tell him. “if u think that having a night life, staying overnight at a guy's place, smoking, drinking, chilling out with so called friends etc etc gives u a sense of independence, for me it is not” my pissed off friend yelled these words at me. I know that. I say Independence is when I am not being asked questions about what am I doing and why am I doing…when I am left alone to do my things in my own way to the best of my own judgment. ‘My own judgment’ are the key words. That’s what is my freedom.

We are not luggage or property, that we always need an owner or custodian. We were not born to be taken from the custody of our fathers and be handed safely (virginity intact) over to the custody of husbands. I am not against marriage. Not a feminist that way. But from being a father’s daughter to being a man’s wife, we must, at least I must for some time be ME. I need that transition period when I live only for myself. And I need freedom from people telling me my thinking is not the way it should be.

Freedom is when I have the freedom to exercise my options without the fear of loosing a 15 years old bond with my school friends. Freedom of backing out of a weekend trip which was planned and executed by me till the time I left it in order to exercise a better available option that of going to a leisure trip to a 5 star Taj Resort in the company’s expense, where I don’t have to spend a single penny and get 5 star treatment, I get to meet everybody in my company and who knows may be someone interesting too (so far I only know the 6 working in my department) and finally I get to avoid that awkward feeling of being the only single amongst the ‘all couples’. (though this has never been an issue for me in the past 15 years). My only defense “I am opportunist, selfish and a miser” I am ME

Freedom is, to not bother about the mailbox which is now full of abuses from friends who could not accept ME.

For me freedom is to follow my gut feeling, freedom to act stupid and silly, freedom to pretend to be emotional when I am not and strong when I am breaking inside. Freedom to be rude in love (and still be loved) and polite in hatred. Freedom to fight for no reason and not say sorry (and yet forgiven). Freedom from truth (I already know them) and freedom from lies (I don’t want to know them).

One of my friends has a broken marriage for some one and a half year now living the life of a bachelor though technically he is still married. He is in bondage when I see from my eyes. Freedom is when you stop being in a relationship for fanciful reasons like society, children and their so-called bright future and fear of god.

Freedom is when you stop getting into a relationship like marriage for any other stupid reasons but love. To name a few (a) Security (b) companionship (c) procreation (d) free house maid (e) contingent fear of lonely old age…but this is a different story presently out of context.

Freedom will be when I meet someone who ticks in the column ‘self-employed professional’ in her income tax return and while signing it pulls out her visiting card which says XYZ – Prostitute, Delhi and hands it over to me with a smile, and I don’t roll my eyes, and I don’t come home and tell the incident to every one I meet. Freedom will be when she calls herself a prostitute and not put a veil of silly words like ‘hot single friend’ around her profession. Freedom is when women demand sex with dignity and refuse with assertiveness.

Freedom will be when my Muslim friends in Modi’s wonderland can fearlessly cheer for the Pakistani cricket team just the way I cheer for the Australian team.

Freedom will be when I would spend a couple of thousands in one ‘Saturday night’ without feeling guilty about the fact that millions went to bed hungry, thousands got raped, beaten up, yelled at, hundreds got burned to death rolled over by BMWs, and more and more (I don’t know the statistics) cursed the day they were born and wept in their pillows that same night.

I shall be in bondage forever.

The most beatiful way anyone has ever described me...

This film crazy, 25, talkative, over articulate, pleasant looking woman (with trendy specs?). this non-litigation lawyer, provocative in her words but cautious in her conduct, misunderstood easily by the shallow and the wretched, who speaks too soon and then repents in leisure, outwardly very confident but slighly insecure otherwise. this femme of glorious contradictions this classy babe - this Sanjukta

of course the person havn't seen me...all in imagaination.

That’s it…I can’t take it any more. Please stop.

“I can see a great leader in the making from the mails, one who has everyone’s interest in mind balancing the act…at least some one would walk out of the masses as a true persona…we should rather be proud to call her Sanju Boss”

– A friend of past 6 years on reading the latest group emailing that I was carrying on in order to plan a trip weekend trip

You inspired me to join the group (DBM)

– A comment on my blog

That’s ok, I don’t need to…You are the greatest medicine

– Another friend on my being asked why the hell did he not keep the appointment with his shrink)

“Samy you are so kind”

– another friend on me trying to tell him how it is always better to share your feelings…to feel better

Achha ek bar phir se bol mujhe kuch nahi hoga

– a friend worried about a persistent stomach ache which is there for quite some years now…every time he would call me I will have to reassure him that he is gonna be alright, he hears it from me and he believes in it.

Will you all let me remain human please…

I can’t cure your disease no matter how much I say you gonna be alright. I am not kind, kind was Mother Teresa, kind was Vivekananda…don’t call me kind. Don’t tell me I am the best medicine you won’t need me once you are cured then. No one likes medicine. Don’t embarrass others in the same league by singling me out as your inspiration. Let me remain your friend I don’t wanna be your boss I don’t wanna be your leader I just wanna be the plain me and hang out with my friends.

I am no angel sent from above you know…

Just an ordinary Boy

It was a bad day in the vernacular class for him. Some other classmate that day, for some unknown reason, deprived him of the position of being the most ignorant and innocent boy in the class. For, as far as his memory could trace back, he have always walked into his classrooms straight upto the last bench, sat there with his back leaning against the wall, drowsy eyes, still face. So ignorant has he always been, ignorant of what was yesterday’s homework and present day’s lesson, ignorant of the consequences of not knowing such trivial matters as well.

Only one big school in the town, most of the parents who wanted their sons to grow up and be something would put them in this school. After all the shaahebs (that’s how the Bengalis call the pre-independence white administrative officers of the town) started it for their children. And there was just no scarcity of such high ambitious Bengali parents in the time, which immediately followed the independence. Memories of a missing Subhash were fresh in their minds, all sons of bongobhumi wanted to keep the honor. Coming back, the class understandably was a bit crowded. The teacher student ratio being very low giving him all the rhyme and reason for being a successful backbencher. He has not known any such day when the teacher have managed to look beyond the first-benchers and has paid any attention to him and couple of other boys like him.

But everything changed today. He could not find any other seat but the first row. He tried to scratch his brain a little and managed to recall yesterday’s class. Maashtarmoshai (the Bengali teacher) did say something about the character sketch of ‘moni babu’, certain character from certain Sarat Chandra novel. Instead of face value the teacher goes by place value. Those who were sitting in the front is to now one by one read out the character sketch which they were to asked to prepare. He has never believed in troubling his grey cells for no cause, and a good cause for him would be the final exams. The question of studying any time other than the pre exam days does not arises even though mom would wake him up at 4 am and made him sit with the books along with 6 other siblings all around one Hurricane (a kerosene lamp is known as in Bengali). But the trouble now is that being a back bencher no teacher have ever bothered him for any thing, so he wasn’t quite sure how does it feels to be scolded at or to be beaten up by a bet (a bamboo stick). And he has never been eager to learn new things. So he thought “I better give it a try. One by one the good boys stood up and read out the characterization from their notebook. He was listening to them carefully, also watching.

Finally it was his turn now to read out his work. He stood up held his note copy in his hands and started reading out ‘moni babu’s choritro’. He read out for a while and then turned the page, then the next page, he flipped through three pages, he had noticed that on an average all of the boys flipped the pages 2-3 times. As he finished reading he closed the note book and kept it on the desk looking calmly at the maashtarmoshai waiting for a permission to sit down.

He spoke for 15 minutes impromptu pretending he was reading out what he has written as a homework, he didn’t stammer once, he didn’t go haywire once, he knew what he was saying, he spoke like it was him who created ‘moni babu’. He still doesn’t know, after living in the same house for almost 15 years, which switch is for Fan and which one’s for light. He holds out the cell phone I feet away from his body as long as it rings and puts it back in his shirt pocket when the caller gives up, cause he doesn’t know which button is to be pressed to attend the call. Well, what can I say that’s my daddy strongest… Love you dad.

The VIIth Delhi Blogger's Meet

People I am back. I wasn’t blogging for some time now. First, I blamed it on lack of time…its me who have always refused to buy that crappy statement from other’s…time is never in constraint its only your priorities which governs your clock and calendar. Then, I thought lack of time wasn’t a reason enough stimulating so I blamed it on some more crappy reason like “I have got nothing more to say…silence speaks.” (the previous post turned out to be one of the most depressing post of mine and I hate the negative vibes it’s giving out). The real reason (which I now am thinking is real but might find to be crappy in couple of days) is that I got bored of blogging…lost interest…simple isn’t it.

What I am about to write now is not going to be very merry for many

It was the VIIth Delhi Blogger’s Meet or Delhi Blogger's Monsoon Meet yesterday at Café Coffee Day @ CP Its religious to write about the meet if you attend one, or attend one to write about it…whatever. It was my first blogger’s meet so it is all the more important. So how was it? Great. Doesn’t that goes without saying? I had a great time meeting some real nice humble bloggers from different walks of life (for a change it wasn’t too many of them who help people how to find ways to spend more money…that’s how one of the software engineers described his profession while introducing himself). We all had lottsa fun, we cracked up laughing like bunch of old friend’s catching up. I made some real good friends at the end of the day and am looking forward to more such meets.

Wait a min…doesn’t that experience sounds a little familiar? Doesn’t most of the post after a blogger’s meet sound the same? Well this is me…I have to sound different. Here it goes…

There were 11 participants. Out of those 11 only 2 were first timers. Rest of them were the regulars who keep meeting each other informally more as a friend rather than as fellow bloggers. Interestingly, one of the first timer has also met couple of them before informally (that being me) and the other first timer came, saw and left. So it was literally old friend’s catching up and the essence of a blogger’s meet, I am assuming such an essence do exist, correct me if I am wrong, was missing in the meet. I found out that this group, our group, has been quite a celebrated and glorified group in the past. Our meets have been covered by most of the major national dailies, we also happen to be one of the pioneers in such city specific bloggers community and meets. Somehow there was no sign of that glory in yesterday’s meet, there was nothing blogicial about it (and nothing about monsoon either). And I am seriously concerned about the why(s) and how(s). I would want to open my newspaper one fine morning 3-4 years from now to read an article “Delhi Bloggers take up the cause of the Sunday book bazaar”. And on another fine morning “Delhi Bloggers Golden jubilee Meet – a Gala evening” or another one “The Third Annual DBM awards” and I guess I am gonna work upon that.

Well, I know you are calling me a dreamer and I know I am the only one…but then that’s what this space is for. To speak without inhibitions.

I would be attending all the forthcoming meets, whether they are blogicial or not, but personally would want to see the Group go places by some more meaningful event. Whether or not blogging continues to be an ‘In’ thing and whether or not the present blogger’s continue to blog…the group should exist.

Coming back to why I am back at blogging? Because yesterday’s meet inspired me…gave me direction.

where is my truth

‘This is my truth’ was the theme of my blog. I started it coz there was, and still is, these times when I wanted to talk a lot about my life but had no one to listen to...I thought I would share the bizarre truth of my life, which I think are stranger than fictions, but where is the truth? What is my truth? What more is it than another sappy old story of love lost and heart break. Who doesn't have these stories and then what the hell do I know about other's story that I go about thinking my story is strange. Truth. Truth is I don't have a story. Just some scattered scribbled sheets. ‘Is the glass half empty or half full’ they ask. Truth is there is no glass, just a heap of crackled earthen pots, scattered petals, twisted pencil skins, few old photographs, few old wrapping papers, few old crumpled movie tickets with the name of the movie goers written on the back of it by me, some office vouchers, certain visions when i close my eyes, certain sounds I suddenly hear, certain smell I suddenly find familiar, some broken dreams, some sleepless nights, some premeditated coincidences, some long phone calls and the subsequent phone bills…all passing by. The train is moving fast. But I wish it was moving faster and faster and faster. So that all the bits and pieces of my eventful life passes by in such lightening speed that I don’t even have the time to recollect them and frame in my blog.

I have not been writing these days…may be because I don’t anymore feel like sharing. Or may be because I am not able to concentrate and be stable on a particular state of mind. Sometimes when you have lots to say…silence speaks.
On this journey called life I always carry my baggage with me but I never open my bags and see what’s in there.

Nothing is constant in my life except a constant process of beginning and ending…a great start and a bad or not so bad ending. I have always longed for a company, not necessarily a romantic involvement just a companionship. “wish good things could stay in my life for just a little longer, not for life, but at least for more than 10-15 days.”

It was already gone only I was yet to wake up...

Rain
Feelings Yesterday:-

If I knew that was the last time, I would have at least hugged him closer and longer"
The search has come to an end not becoz she found the post but becoz She has let the baloon go off her hand...and its so much better now.
No more worries...no questions no answers, no hopes no expectations...
Am I dressed properly
am I giving out the right message
Was I able to leave an impression
Is he going to call
should I call him
Does he likes me
Are we ever gonna meet again

Fly Fly my soul...

Feelings Today:-

It was a rain not many in delhi are gonna forget in little time to come. I left my Nehruplace office at 8.50pm. It was pouring like hundrends of showers in a bollywood set would pour when the white saree tries to seduce a white shirt "tip tip barsa pani..." I hate carrying umbrella but the guard lent me one. A big black grandpa umbrella. I walked upto the busstop to get an auto. At this point I was missing the presence of a wiper on my specs. luckily found an auto soon "bhayai R.K. Puram". "R.K. Puram mein kahan""Sector-4" bhayia's chin and eyes then rolled in a semi circular shape madam 50 rupaye...itni baarish hai, gaadi ki halat kharab jo jati hai...Chalo chalo bhaiya. I am onboard.

These days they have blurring music on autos. his music was loud bot not noisy...it was some unknown asha kishore song suddenly a sharmila tagore clad in pink shiffon saree with big white flower prints on it danced along a rajesh khanna in my mind. And Suddenly I felt good about everything around me. The big and small cars crossed by splashing water all over me (almost) but it didn't irritate me. The darkness of the night suddenly seemed to be so colourful to me. The billions of thin water blades falling at 60% shining in the street lights made it so beatiful. I have always heard rains make you long for someone, makes you nostalgic but today's rain was so beautiful it gave me joy. I smiled. And when I was paying him that 50 bucks, i said i'd pay rather unwillingly, I wanted to tell the autowala "bhaiyai thanks for a great ride. I enjoyed it" I did not though.

To Social Thinkers....stop thinking

The following is a post I originally wrote on a Delhi Bloggers Community Forum @ Orkut. Thought I’d share it with the larger community here……The topic of discussion was “what should be done to the rapists?”

“Being aware of the recent discussion here, I finally decided to add my bit to it. Would beg all of your pardon for thinking a little off-track.

How many people can take part in the present message board? About 200-250 that’s the total of members of this community. Now for how long can this discussion continue weeks and months…at the end of the discussion how many past, present and future victims would the 200 of us be able to help? Who is putting forward the ideas and who is reading them? Are we actually turning a single pebble?

Now, there you go all of you. “We might not be able to actually help anybody but by these discussion we are trying to bring a change amongst ourselves, sensitizing ourselves on the cause”. I agree. “Its not in our hand to help, we can only suggest ways to improve the scenario the implementation has to be done by authorities. I agree again. But since they are not doing their part should not we as individuals actually do some overt physical act to help the situation. I mean just our bit. Let me ask all of you (including myself) ...CAN WE as an individual do something about it? Do we even have a responsibility to do anything about the situation? And by ‘something’ I am not talking about teaming up, starting an NGO, collecting funds and bungling funds...I am talking about things we can do with our ‘hands and feet’ ‘ears eyes and mouth’ ‘heart and mind’. How many of us think we are incapable of doing any thing at all regarding the matter, and who all are of the opinion that there sure is something that can be done howsoever small it might be. Lets not anymore come out with suggestion as to what the police, judiciary and Government should and should not be doing. Debates and discussions are of immense importance I totally agree, as a matter of fact its from this discussion on orkut that I am coming up with the present ideation, otherwise I too was sleeping over the incident.

But I am sure there already is a huge intellectual young lot debating and discussing. Some of us have to do the action part as well. It could very well be you and me and us.

Now if we decide the way I am thinking we should decide then the question that next arises is what can we do? Are we going to become policemen watching out for probable criminals? Are we going to preach ideas as to how girls should carry handy weapons, how they should raise an alarm, how they should act smart and run. My answer is No (I could very well be wrong). Rape is a very very sensitive issue and it needs to be handled with utmost care, concern and delicacy. To begin with arises the question ‘what’ and ‘why’ of Rape. “What should be the punishment” is a question that has to be raised much later. When I was studying Labour Law for every labour related problems we were first required to find out the causes which led to the problem. Once you identify a cause only then can you have a legislation thereby providing a so-called solution to it. If bonded labour or child labour has to be eradicated we first got to understand why they are there in the first place. Rape being a subject we (the moral, conservative, decent Indian) don't talk about much few of us have actually tried to find answer to the questions ‘Why’ and ‘What’. There’s very little research done on the root causes. Mostly people are of the opinion that there aint any cause; it’s just that the guy was a heinous criminal. That, to a great extent is true. I mean I have come across hundreds of reasons justifying bonded labour but I can't think of any reason or rhyme behind this heinous crime. Assuming so, lets consider the next point What is Rape. What is it that stops the parents of a victim from reporting the crime. Why is Rape not considered to be one of those 500 crimes defined in the Indian Penal Code. Why Rape has to raise eyebrows and give birth to heart churning mummers in the society.

I am very curious to find out how my mom and dad (middle class) would react if tomorrow I introduce them to a friend of mine who they know to be a Rape victim. I wanna know how my maid servant’s mother (Lower class) would react and how my Boss (upper middle class) and how the Ambanis and Birlas would react to the same situation. How comfortably and confidently can a victim walk in her neighborhood. Because if she can’t she would be reluctant in reporting the incident and as long as the criminal knows she is reluctant he would have a upper hand. In criminal jurisprudence it is said that ‘the criminal is not the victim’s criminal it is of the society’s. That’s why a victim is not allowed to withdraw from a criminal complaint. Punishments work as deterrent on future criminals but seldom helps a victim. And I think in cases of rape as much as the victim needs to see the rapist being brought to justice she also needs umpteen support and care. We hang the Rapist while the neighborhood was still murmuring about her clothing style or hour of work, while she was walking down the streets. Did she get peace? Its important to take away the taboo, the inverted comas from the word rape. It has to be understood that rape and sex is not synonymous. Sex is a natural desire. Rape, like murder is a crime. Sex involves the desire of both parties while rape doesn’t. We have to understand this difference and not out-rightly jump to conclusion that she (victim) definitely had a hand in it. We don’t I know. We at orkut don’t but there are people who do. One has to identify them and try to change this clichéd mentality and attitude that they have.

Conduct informal surveys, interviews, extend the present group discussion to those members of the society whose voices (read it murmur and rumor) matter when it comes on that girl walking down the street. Can we do it? Can we give up our weekly barrista hangouts, bear the scorching summer sun, face the public ogling at us trying to figure out what we are upto when we ask them questions no one dared to ask...think about it.

I am not a crusader and I don’t claim I can give up my weekly barrista hangouts but who knows may be… as for now I just wanted to put my thoughts here. I am not trying to launch a new ball, am not trying to change the course of ball set to roll by a fellow community member. I respect all of your thoughts and ideas. This was mine.

I never got a response to this post of mine and the discussions on this topic came to an end.
Soon I found out there was a new topic on the board, “whether Government’s decision to ban cigarettes in movies is fair?” And this is what I posted….

”I havn't read any of the above posts and I don't care what you guys have been saying. I kind of know bout the latest topic for intellectual frustrates (i being one of them)

Just wanted to remind all of you and reassert my stand.

Reminding you about my post on the previous topic "what about the rapist" if you haven’t read it yet, read it now if u wish to, doesn’t really matter if you don’t. all i tried to convey there is that this discussion on orkut is senseless and a sheer killing of too much of leisure time. i of course had conveyed this message in a much more politically correct and sugar coated words but today i am in a particularly pissed off mood. My words - just stop flattering yourself by calling yourself a social thinker who sits in Barrista and thinks over a cup of u know what.”
Some one pls gotta do something more than talking.

Reasserting my stand that it would take a blink of an eye for us to forget the present social cause and find a new one...see how fast we forgot the rape issue
just think about it.

Didn't get any response to this one either however the discussions stopped for a while and was subsequently resumed.

Moments from the National Himalayan Trekking Expedition at the Malana Kiksa Yanker Pass captured by an ordinary me with my ordinary cannon cam. My first ever trek 11day long, 12,500ft accompanied by people with such golden heart I didn't even know they existed in this world...

The studio didn't scan the pics so very well, the prints look better and the real ones...I was running out of vocabulary trying to convey my delight to every body I was meeting ever since I have returned. I noticed people were just not getting even 10% of what it really was, at one point I gave up. Its just there in my mind and soul now what I felt there...Its gonna be a part of me its gonna make a better me. On the trip at 8000 ft there was one point when I thought this is sheer madness but then we were proud to be mad...we were not men, not women, not young not old, we were just crazy nature lovers, birds watchers, funny, weird, silly, sweet, smart, courageous, quiet, talkative, emotional, romantic trekkers...I had no idea how to create a post on my trekking trip, i still dont hav much so i better keep mum for a while just go through the pic and lemme know if you like it.

My new job is good? bad? not sure actually...but then I am good at all jobs mostly.

She is walking, searching…

She is walking, searching…

She was a sweet little girl
She had dreams in her starry eyes, song in her heart and a smile on her face.
She had a big bright red gas balloon in her hands
She was walking searching,
Searching for a post where she could tie the strings of her oh-so-precious red balloon
She has colors around her, rainbows,
The sky above was blue the ground beneath green
But
The path became rough one day, she cross past the last strech of grass
she was smiling
This she knew, if she can’t find a post the string would slip away her hand
And her balloon would fly, fly far away to never come back
Over the ocean and the mountains, no one knows where…
So she walked on
She found a few post but could never tie the string
May be she didn’t know how to, may be the posts were too weak
Her search went on
The ground was pale and dusty now, the sky not so bright
She walked on roads no one else took
She learned things the hard way
Soon she and her balloon were walking alone on the road
There’s no one around
It must be a desert, sand all around.
She still smiled.
Behind the smile there was bewilderment
Why can’t I find it? Why? When every one else can Why can’t me
She was cracking up inside, she started loosing herself
Sands all around, ground beneath her feet slipping away
She wants to hold on but all she have in her hand is sand, all slipping away
She kept on walking, searching asking questions to never find answers
Her teardrops dried, her heart and soul lost their element.
Slowly she started feeling like everything inside of her was flying out
Then she felt lighter, like a dead fish she floated up
Shoot her, the bullet will pass through, she is hollow
She feels like she can fly now, to wherever…
She feels nothing more than that

its been 28 years of walking
she is still walking, smiling
it would be sometime before she notices that her balloon is not there any more…

A farewell It was

From being ‘my new job’ to ‘my great job’ to ‘my life is great job’ to ‘I don’t like it any more job’ to ‘sick and tired job’ today having completed a full circle it finally became my ‘ex-job’. I have had farewells before, in school, college, previous jobs but one heck of a memorable and emotional farewell it was today. All because of ‘Manoj’ one of my team member. I still remember the day he joined office. A fair, lean and shy guy of around 24-25 (which turned out to be 28) with a permanent smile on his face. For quite some time I didn’t see him speak or mix up with any body much. I wasn’t keeping a check on his work either. He was put in the other teams, then to another and to another. After all the 3 other team leaders has given up on him “‘Manoj cannot survive, No hope”, our group leader called him to ask what was happening, how exactly do you plan to work here Manoj? Where are we or you going wrong? In reply Manoj blamed it all on the team leaders and proposed my name as his choice of team leader. He has a strange innocence coupled with conviction in his mannerisms. GL gave him his choice. Since then the professional relationship and personal relationship has been intertwined so much and it has been a roller coaster ride. There have been times when I have totally freaked out on him, yelled at him, have felt like almost putting across the GL that “Manoj cannot survive” but resisted only because I cant give up. He, on the other hand has always been smiling bearing all the brunt. Always telling me what an inspiration I am for him, how much has he been learning from me and all that jazz. He put me up on a pedestal and kept raising it higher and higher. Strange enough personally we became thick friends. I mean he would lot of his mind and heart with me but I seldom did, I still don’t share any thing with him. I am mostly a listener. Ever since I have given the notice, he has been so exited with my farewell party “leader dekhna ab tak ka best party hoga, sab dekhte reh jayenge” that’s something which is very important to him. Everything about me should be the best he has to prove it to the office, the management that his leader is the best. I remember all those times when I was having it rough it was him who couldn’t eat or sleep, he would develop strategies to make things better for me. All through my bad days he has stood by me, he has told it this other guy “tomorrow even if the GL is against her I shall still stand by her” Today, in the farewell he was asked to say a few words to me (he being so close to me which everyone knows). His voice was choking and trembling, his eyes were moist, “ if there’s any point of saturation in this office for me that is this point, when sanjukta steps out of the office.” That’s all he could say, but he said it all. Back at his desk, I saw tears rolling down his cheeks. Every other guy tried to console him, piya came and told me “I guess he is in love with you”. I knew the answer to this but I kept quiet. Its not love. I mean it is Love but not romance. “duniya mein sirf ek hi rishta nahi hota hai, yeh log is baat ko samajhte kyon nahi hai” he said in the evening, when I told him what piya was thinking. True. I don’t know what to name it, not friendship not love but its one of the most beautiful ones. Never before in my entire life did any body cry for me. I wish I could pay him back with my own tears but I had none. I never do, I only cry in the privacy of my bedroom. I wanted to hug him, a friendly hug, wanted to lift his face with my hands and kiss him on the forehead, like a mother would kiss her son, but the people around, their mindset I know is too clichéd, too narrow.

I didn’t know he was this attached to me. I don’t know how to thank him enough…he would sure hold a special place in my heart…but I may never fully be able to tell him how overwhelmed I am.

The new place is a stock broking firm and I don’t know the a b c of stocks and shares… I just hope I pull it through. But before that I am going on the trekking expedition tomorrow, my first ever, 11 days…again I hope I pull it through…

Anti Climax

21st May 2005

It was a terrible day today, bad start with a horrible fight with mom and sis. It was upsetting, sad. I felt like leaving the house and never come back. I can do that. Have even had packed my bags, but alas the logistics did not fell in the right place. Could not afford to leave the luxuries daddy gave me. The fully automatic washing machine, the colour TV with cable connection, the gadgets in kitchen, dining hall, drawing room, the cooler etc and above all the PC with DSL connection (I think I have to ask some one now “tumhaare paas kya hai…echo till infinity). But I would leave someday. I am not gonna be daddy’s daughter all my life. Anyway so with a heavy heart and a terrible headache I somehow managed to pack my lunch and was off to work. Was a little late, reached by 10. On my way itself I knew I have to get some fags today, after That fight it’s worth it. At around 10.30 I called Anand told him when he goes downstairs for a fag he should call me. I wasn’t supposed to do this. I am his team leader but what the heck I have resigned already just a couple of days more, I have maintained enough of professional hierarchy all these days. Made enough of enemies doing that…”Sanjukta be more assertive, You pamper your researchers too much” my boss have been telling me initially and when Sanjukta finally became what a boss supposed to be (not to my own researchers though)…well why should any body like the boss. I think I am loosing focus here…So as I was saying… I have just returned to my desk, after having informed Anand and having finished up the routine stuffs check the timesheets, attendance registers etc. Soon enough I started having a strange feeling. Something was inside of me that wanted to come out. I could not concentrate. There was this strange feeling…like something inside me was going mad, wanted to escape my body it was running all through my blood, veins, trying to find a way. I was feeling giddy my eyes were about to close down…I didn’t know what was happening to me. I had piles of files in front of me. Monday is the last day gotta pack up and hand over the charges but I just couldn’t work, my head was about to fall into two pieces my hands and feet were trembling. Is it because of the fight? Is it some kind of anxiety attack? I thought may be if I smoke I’d feel better. Me and Anand we took a round of N Block. I had 2 classic regulars back to back. I could feel the smoke traveling through my throat reaching the lungs, but then suddenly it seemed like it lost its way, it started taking a trip of my entire body, I felt nauseated as it reached near my naval then again it started traveling upwards and reached straight to my head. At that moment the land beneath my feet moved a little I thought earthquake but Anand looked cool. I still felt the earth was moving. I told him to let’s go back. Back at my desk now I realized that the fags have actually deteriorated the condition. I thought I am going to collapse. I did for half an hour or so. I didn’t care if boss comes, I didn’t care if the juniors come. I just needed it. I buried my head in my hands and just leaned against my chair for about 10 min. Then I made some space on the desk to rest my head and spent another 20 min. Some thing in my body still bubbling and spiraling up trying to come out. While the body was thus reacting the mind was playing with thoughts, thoughts crazy and wild. May be I have that deadly killer fever attacking Delhi…may be some one near to me is in danger and needs my help. Heart beating faster and faster with every beat and pulse rating higher and higher. I wont say I slept but it was somewhat a small nap. Was woken up by the sound of an unusual ringtone “vande mataram”. I thought I just got some relief. The mind felt better the wild thoughts have settled down. The heart beat have slowed down. Apprehensively I pulled out a file and started going through it. It was lunch time by now. I didn’t know whether I should eat or not. Had no appetite. But ate nonetheless. Although I wasn’t sure whether I should take the regular post lunch walk or not after a little hesitation I went for it. Checked out Giggles the fun gift shop – wanted to pick a gift for boss kinda like a memento…didn’t like anything. Anyway so after the walk was over right when I was about to enter the elevator I felt I was feeling better……………and then it struck me. Goodness gracious it took me so long to figure out - that thing inside wanting to come out was ‘gas’…… I needed to fart… … oops was that supposed to be censored??? But we all have to one time or the other. Don’t we?? Sorry to disappoint you by such an anti-climax. I gotta run see the doc my ulcer started troubling me again (not that I know it for sure it’s an ulcer but in all probabilities it is).

Conversation Funny and Weird on yahoo messenger……

Guy #1 - Why are u still single?
Me – am not too sure
Me – you think about it and lemme know if you have an answer

Guy #2 – hi
Guy #2 – so u a lawyer
Me – yup
Guy #2 – who is there at your home
Me – mom, dad, sister
Guy #2 – no brother??
Me – no
Guy #2 – do u hav a pic……

Guy #3 : what is this MPS (multiple personality syndrome) all about?
Me : i have split personality
Me : there's only a thin difference between me and norman bates
Me : he wasnt aware of the switching over of the personalities but i am
Guy #3 : aaaaahhh
Me : another difference between me and norman, i am not a criminal he was
Guy #3 : oh i c...the plot thickens
Me: yeah, and the more u read it becomes more interesting and scary
Guy #3 : scary?...eh?
Guy #3 : watz so scary abt it.....so far it has been only interesting
Me: scary is when it comes onto you my dear, when u'd be expecting nice things from the me who is sweet and romantic and what you'd get is real pain in the ass

This is how this freak started the conversation which explains my subsequent reactions, pay attention to the last two lines…

Guy #4 : why are all bengali girls dissatisfied
Me : r u crazy
Me : who r u
Me : what on earth r u talking bout
Guy #4 : about every thing
Guy #4 : why bangali team members create lot of problem
Guy #4 : how come they find negative points in every positive thing
Me : do we even know each other? who are you
Guy #4 : No we dont
Guy #4 : But when ever I see a bangali on the net, I try to find the answers of my questions
Guy #4 : It is nothing to do with religion or regional boundries
Me : u r crazy
Me : keep ur ideas with urself and dont pass blanket comments like that
Guy #4 : when I was a front liner, I saw my bosses breaking theirs heads in eastern region
Guy #4 : Now I am facing the same problem
Me : its you who is going abuot doing partner search on the net at this hour, that's how u got my ID also, and accusing me of whatever u r saying....i havnt heard of any thing funnier
Me : it seems u r pissed off with ur life
Me : and looking for some vent to realease
Me : go off to sleep
Me : my sujjestion
Guy #4 : But you did not answer
Me : am not interested in question, do u even have one?
Guy #4 : I hate fish

Worst pick up line I have heard “would you like to have casual friendship with a young guy”

One of the sweetest compliments I have been given “You are like a novel to me, something new everyday”.

You Are 50% Normal (Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal... Other things you do are downright strange You've got a little of your freak going on But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

Why the hell do I take pride in the fact that I am not normal......:D

You are 87% Aquarius

How much do you match your zodiac sign?

...and another bit of information that was there on the site which for some stupid reason they did not provide here "Out of 68369 people the average score was 69%" Oh I am so proud to be such a true Aquarian...