Saturday, April 16, 2005

Yesterday while on my way to office I was thinking a lot about my future. Was trying to draw a picture of myself five years from now. I have this uncanny fear in me of voluntarily being some one, which the other part of me doesn’t want to be. I always have known I have a dual personality but there are only certain times when I realize the extent to which both the personality prevail in me. One of these two personalities aspires to be this workaholic, smart sexy corporate lawyer. One, who can go to any extent to realize her dreams and fulfill her ambition. This is not only my dream or desire but also a real part of me. I can be all that if I want and sometimes I do become this person. Those times I buy clothing and accessory accordingly I think and act accordingly. Presently I am under the influence of this personality. At the same time I am worried about the possibility of the other person taking over this one. The other person is the woman in me. The woman for whom all that matters is a great man to love and be loved in return. When under the influence of this woman I want to be a good wife and daughter in law so that every one loves me. I am nice to every body around me I am shy timid. I keep a low profile I would want to be taken care of. I want my future husband to be a strong support who can take charge of things. It doesn’t matter to me if he doesn’t cares that I am a smart intelligent lawyer, if he doesn’t put me up in a pedestal. I know the person I am. Once given a responsibility I would carry it till my grave. I am not amongst those women who can in the attempt of balancing there careers and marriage would shrug off certain responsibility screwing up both not doing justice to either. I cant do that. If I marry I would fulfill all my duties as a wife mother etc. And I am afraid of this woman in me who might give up her career in order to take care of her family. I am afraid of being overpowered by the woman. I am aware of the possibilities of being overpowered given the fact that I am so confused as to what exactly I want from my life. Tomorrow it may happen that I suddenly find my true love my, soul mate, go overboard and get married. If it happens before I have found that high flying Job in corporate sector the chances of me ever getting there might just be jeopardized. Being lazy having a laid back attitude I might tell myself “what the heck I have found this great hubby so why the hell should I work now lemme just njoy every moment of the loving and caring. But I know I would not be happy for too long this way either. It’s one thing of believing in something and then your believe suddenly changing with circumstances but still you find happiness in the changed state. For me it doesn’t work this way. I know I would not be happy for too long in one thing I constantly need a change, some thing new. I should always have my option open. Option of switching to the workaholic. The most crucial factor in this whole apprehension of future possibility of MPD attacks is that I have to get into that serious business, that serious job with immense responsibility which I wouldn’t be able to shrug off even if the woman in me want to. If I don’t get into it right now it may never happen. So shoo all you men. I don’t need you in my life right now. First let the workaholic get sick and tired of work. Go away and see me after atleast 2 years. I don’t need no man in my life right now.

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