I don't want to write this blog anymore.

Coming back from work today (Dilli Haat after work) I felt like driving till the end of the world. Wished the 6.5 Km long road connecting Dwarka to South Delhi never comes to an end, felt like taking the NH8 to jaipur and from there to some where else. I just wanted to go on and on and on... Me and my thoughts on the run.

Dino called ES while she was sitting with me in the car, he was discussing the trip to Gharwal. I asked him yesterday if they can postpone it till the last week coz I would like to go, he said "talk to Amit he is organising, not me." Another chapter closed all it took to close it was just a turn of leaf.

Why can't things be left at vague....why does it have to end? All stories must have climax and a The End, that's why.

I really wanna take those roads one of these days...

Some one asked me today if I was happy. I never ask this question to myself surprisingly the answer was quite simple. Yes I am. Any body who reads my open heart here on this blog would think I am one of the most unhappy. Well it just occured to me its actually so easy to be happy in life, all you need is just a little tact. I am happy being unhappy. I love my loneliness and my pain, they make me a special person, they are my muses, my source of inspiritation for my writing...... they make my life worth living, some day they will make my life worth reading......... Given a chance I would not want to change anything of life. Really I have no regrets, I believe everything that I do or have done is unique and special in its own way. I stand out and that's what matters to me. No fun being the happy go lucky girl next door......... They laugh at me, think I am fooling myself, may be i am but let it be, I am happy thise way.......... They think I live a life full of false presumptions, I see world through my eyes only.... so what if that makes me feel good about the world and about myself, that serves the purpose.........

I am not talking sense. Stop here. End post.

I take pride in having arranged the XIth Delhi Blogger's Meet with Bill, Gareth and Julian all the way from BBC UK. The event was a gala event, one of the most significant in Delhi Blogger's community. I think for the first time The indian blogging community got such a projection at the world level. Post my interview with bbc they have linked the Delhi Bribe Rates Blog on the main BBC page. Since then the blog has been getting a tremendous traffic inflow from US and UK. I can't ever fully thank Ankur enough for associating me with this Birbe delhi Blog. I owe it to him. When I said that to him he said but had you not arranged and attended the meet it wouldn't have got the hype it got. True. We both kinda have complimented each other.

Mean while the BBC Radio show Digital Planet went on air today with Me, Twilight Fairy, the professional Blogger Amit Agarwal, Snigdha aka Encounter Specialist, Mayabhushan and Monica talking to Gareth the presenter of the show. The event was attended by around 30 Bloggers in Delhi.

The entire edition of Tuesday's Digital Planet show can be downloaded as a MP3 File of 11MB size from here

The highlight of both the event and the show was this culture of blogger's meeting up in person. A culture very unique amongst internet users in the Indian Metro and also amongst bloggers accross the globe. As Gareth said the blogger's were trapped in their respective homes and then one fine day they decided to meet and actually quite like it.

Next highlight is Bill's understanding of the Indian Blogging community. Inspite of being the blogging expert of UK he wansn't here as an expert, rather he was here to have some cultural exchange with young and vibrant people in indian blogging community and this is what he says after he met us, "It’s too easy to have a western technocratic view of the world, and having to defend my views in front of this articulate, argumentative and skilled group of practitioners was great exercise." One of the major difference that emerged out of the discussion was that we, Indian bloggers, don't, as of now use the blog as a medium for net activism, as much as they do in US or UK. We have much more variety of bloggers writing about hundreds of things from being personal to public. One of the reason behind this could be (a) that we have other effective media to exercise our freedom of expression, (b) We are other wise also talking about politics and rights issues so blogging need not be the only medium to inititate movement.

Amit Agarwal was undoubtedly another interesting part in the meet. He is a an IITian who quit his job to take up full time blogging. Makes some couple of thousands of dollars per month, "more than what he could have earned in an MNC", he says, just by bloggin.

The show digital planet also featured, the election commission of India whihc has been since long using electronic voting machines.

More later......

I happen to know this person through Yahoo Messenger who is married, is a father to a daughter, loves both of them truly but is looking for one night stands without having any strings attached. When asked why such weird desire he says coz he can't ask his wife to fulfill his fantasies.

I see a social problem in him. Sex is one of the biggest truth of nature after probably death. Nothing else is as certain as the desire and need for sex between humans, animals, plants and all other organisms. It comes so naturally to us that to try to fight with our sexual urges and curb them down would be an act extremely against the order of nature. Good sex they say can keep a persons body and mind healthy and just as lack of vitamis and minerals affects our health, non availibility of a medium to satisfy our sexual urges also affects our mental and physical health. This is so because the sexual urge that we have is a part of the many systems that works in our body. We have been given these glands which would natually secrete hormones and when that happens our body reacts natually to it. This is all chemistry.

When two people get married, of all the things they promise, they also promise, whether directly or impliedly, to fulfill this most natural need of each other. But in India sex is such a taboo that a man who might be more sexually charged than his wife is actually ashamed of it.

In our culture even husband wives can't talk bout sex. Not only that, some times we have such stupid traditions making sex more and more a topic of shame and indecency. In joint families the bolted door to a couple's room is supposed to be opened up early morning before the elderly members of the family wakes up. They have to pretend they didn't do it last night. Particularly for the bahu it is a matter of embarrassment if she is still with her husband behind closed doors when rest of the family has woken up.

Another weird habit is the hush hush tone we use when a woman is found to be expecting a baby. Why? Because the fact that she is expecting makes it evident that they did it...... duh.... Otherwise the people in the house were under the impression that the couple were just kidding themselves......... So we have these stupid cliched movie scenes where this wife is getting all red blushing to such extremity that I don't even know how to explain, while she break the news of her pregnancy to the family members and to top it all, to her own husband. I mean what on earth is there to be embarrassed of or blush...

This guy never fully told me what his fantasies are so I don't know how weird they are but whatever it is, I feel he shouldn't have any hesitations to ask for it from his wife. If she is ok with it, nothing can be better, if she isn't, they can talk about it, think over it, try to find some way out, may be see a therapist. But here we have him thinking its gonna be indecent on his part to talk about sex with his own wife and therefore indulging in adultery.

I have noticed this in some traditional bengali families that once the children are in their teen age and the parents are in mid 40s they cease to sleep together in the same room. It is considered indecent to give out this impression in front of the rest of the people in the house including the grown up kids, that the parents still enjoy their marital intercourse. How unnatural is that. I just don't get it.

I know this guy for more than 6-7 months now and yes our chat conversation did start when he popped up my PC with this proposal of his. He didnt want to talk about anything else, didn't even want to know anything about me or my life, just wanted an answer to his proposal in Yes or No. Being the smooth talker that I am, I managed to start talking and since then we been talking. And over time I found out he is actually a nice guy and not some pervert, is sensitive, caring, responsible, intelligent, loves his wife and would never want to hurt her...but then why?
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Lemme ask this question to all of you here.... do you think this person is an one off case or do you think there are many such persons around...... just that they don't talk bout it honestly........?? And do you have a sexual fantasy that you are embarrassed of?

With a spectacular Charm and a brilliant smile he is every woman's dream come true and yet he isn't the one for you...or may be you aint the one for him.

A little loud...some times rude too...but at least no pretentions...that's the first impression that will probably be built by him on you, a man whose every move is not guided by how much attention he can seek from the gorgeous girl in view. A man who can be friend with anybody and everybody in just a hello, a man who belongs to a group and yet keeps his identity aloof, someone who listens to everyone, tries to help, but seldom talks about himslef, and yet keeps asserting he is the GOD.

Long after he has gone his smile still remains fresh in your mind. Every time you call him, you are greeted with a wide smile which you can actually hear over the phone, and a long hiiiiii, he makes you feel good that you called. He is very busy but he tries to keep in touch with the large number of friends he has... he allots his time accordingly, some of his freinds keep calling him and complaining "You never call" he says "Sorry, I should call, will call" and then tries to manage his time again.

He is someone who you know is gonna be a friend forever but he is some one who you can not keep to yourself for too long... he is someone who belongs to the whole world and yet doesn't belongs to anyone... he is always on the run, talks and walks fast, like a butterfly you just can't catch him. He comes like a flash of light, brightening up your ngiht, but you get so little of him and you always long for more.

He doesn't really know what love is, yet he is looking for that eternal love and cause he learnt it over the years that it doesnt exists, he will do all he can to deny that he is looking for it....

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If you just change all the *He* to *She* you'll get me........
One small tiny step at a time...everything seems to be blurred.....

The XIth DBM went great. Here is keeping a track of all the write ups and pics of the event...till the the time the official blog is updated... I can update the blog since I have the password now, unless of course they have changed it... but the original creator of that blog has issues with me updating his blog...so I won't. Apparently its better not to update it at all than let me do the so very needful.

The latest edition of Digital Planet is a special edition on Delhi the Indian Capital. We, Delhi bloggers were expecting the meet will be covered by Julian and his team in this edition and admittedly there is a slight disappointment when it didnt so happen. But then they have put a pic of our meet on the program and well, let's say a photograph is worth a million words. Besides of course Bill himself has extensively blogged about his first visit to India, his visit to hardware market Nehru Place, the blog meet., the old city etc. He also have so generously named me in his blog and also linked me. I am so happyyyyy.

BBC UK
Twilight Fairy
Solzaire's first step in Delhi blogging Community
Great pics taken by Amit Aggarwal's
Paavani's Account
Amit Verma
Varun's accout
Ashish Kumar
Asit Ranjan Mishra
Mayank Chauhan

For the pics of the DBM visit our Flickr Account.
Delhi Blogger's Group on Flickr

XIth Delhi Blogger's Meet

Time again for the Delhi Blogger's Meet and this time I made it a real special one. It all started with just some 4-5 lines of mail written by Julian Siddle to me...I took it up from there. Told him when he comes we would have a blogger's meet and here it goes.

We would have Julian, Gareth Mitchell and Bill Thompson, all the way from BBC UK, with us.

Julian is the producer of BBC World Service Technology programme Digital Planet. Gareth is the presenter of the same show. They would be here to shoot a special edition of the program, on India. Culture of Blogs in India is an area Julian would be particularly looking at and would be trying to find answers to questions like "Do you have a particular view on the use or effectiveness of your blogs? What do you think about the use of IT in India or its potential? The country is often seen as being in the grip of a technological boom, is this the case from your experience?"

Bill is one of Britain's leading authorities on blogging and Net activism and advises the EU. He has a regular column on the BBC's website. Bill would be here to share with us his expertise over the subject that connects all of us here...Blogging and also Net activism. Inviting all the Blogger's in and around of Delhi to be a part of this special Meet.

Date: Saturday, 6th May 2006
Venue : The Amphitheater, India Habitat Center, Lodhi Road, New Delhi
Time: 6pm
RSVP : Me @ the Comments section here
Participation: All you old and new, fast and furious, slow and steady, arose and awakened, dreaming and dormant bloggers out there...

Please confirm your participation in advance.

This is one of the hardest thing to do...and I could never do it properly.

To know everything you want is right there infront of you and not being able to reach out and have them. And yet not being able to get over it and move on. You don't stop wishing you could have them, you don't stop wishing and praying, you know there is no hope and still you try to hold on to that weak string of hope... Has it ever happened to you?

This is what is happening to me these days... And I can't even fully write about it here cause some one reads this blog quite regularly... Although that is the purpose of this blog, here I say things, which I can't say at your face.

I don't know what to do?
Wait and watch?
Get over and move on?
Express?

I too was trying out and then I found something which is like the best I could ever afford to have, now I want to stop trying and zero in on this thing that I have found. Again, that's what 'I' want.
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Life otherwise is going great...been partying almost every weekend. Thanks to all the special friends, specially you ES. After a real long time I once again have friends in my life. Otherwise I am mostly surrounded with a crowd. we make a great group and its fun to be with all you guys RM, YD, AG, AB.
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The Delhi Bloggers Meet is happening once again and this time it is really special for me. Life takes such unpredictable turns... just at the wake of me completing one year in blogging I got this mail from one Julian Siddle from BBC UK. Apparently Julian got my email ID through one of the Community Blogs that I am a part of. He is coming down to India to shoot a special edition of his program Digital Planet and wanted to get in touch with me and my blogging coleagues (that's how he wrote in his mail) to get an idea bout the blog culture here in India.

The mail took me completely by surprise. It once again (previous being the AIMC Seminar) puts me under the spotlight so far as blogging is concerned. Both the community blog was started by Ankur and he has more number of posts on them. Both of us have our mail ids up there, it probably was just a matter of chance that they contacted me. And here I am coordinating the meet with everybody asking me, "how did you manage to get BBC on the event?" Everyone around speculating all the high funda connections I must be having in BBC.

I could finally get the password to DBM's official blog. Ever since Harneet left the group it hasn't being properly updated. Will do it hence forth. Have already done the necessary updates. Why do I do all these I don't know. I guess I just assumed, for no reason, that I am the moderator of this group. I was nothing more than just another member who joined the list via the blog and there started yet another eventful chapter in my biography. The fight over the name Delhi Blogger's Meet with Shivam Vij and Co., the differences with Harneet, the then moderator, his exit from the group, his exit being blamed upon me by Amitken......and more.....and then all was calm followed by some low profile meets attended by few new joinees. The January meet was good though and hopefully this forthcoming meet too would have some good participation.
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The dilemma about choosing between all the available options in my career has come to an end and I am joining Partners for Law in Development tomorrow. Its a legal NGO. We are into social mobilization, capacity building training in Law for development executive, lobbying, PILs etc.

I realised the first option that of joining a corporate as a legal executive won't work... They just don't like my profile and I don't like theirs. My 3 months work in FS was the worst period of my career and I don't wanna go back to a corporate structure again.

The next option, starting independent practice..... that's not easy. Its a task getting a client and then proving your credibility to him. All litigants are apprehensive about a young lawyer. Besides, I have acquired the habit of advising people to appear themselves, in front of the court instead of wasting money in hiring a lawyer, wherever it is technically so allowed. I have been cautioning my friends about the various crooked means these lawyers adhered to...to extract every bit of money from the client. Two people's fight... which ends when both of them loose, one looses his money and the other looses the case, cannot be the source of my income. I would take up cases when I see some serious miscarraige of justice happening. As I get some time I'd take up some of the women's cell cases. Till then litigation would only be part time.

The third option....joining a law firm. I have been plain unlucky in this... or may be destiny have something else decided for me. This is a profession of cut throat competition. Here both the employer and the employee pay and they both earn. Only those juniors are taken in a law firm who can pay....... either by their contacts in the judiciary (the law firm gets the verdict in favour) or in the corporate world (the firm gets heavy pocketed clients). I don't have any such contacts. Neither does dad have. Dad is a one person who doesn't even belongs to this world..he lives in his own world. He doesn't keeps in touch. He doesnt know how to build contacts and keep and optimise them. He has served 40 years in the Government of India and have been througout surrounded by lawyers and yet he doesn't have contacts. In the past 2-3 years I have visited quite a few of the Delhi's Elite lawyers but none of them have been too keen to take me in their firms. I have been inflexible myself as well... have always been maintaining I don't wanna do Exise and Customs cases..... and most of these lawyers I have visited were experts in Customs and Exise. So, no luck in law firms.

Finally, the socio-legal side. A field I am passionate about, a field that allows me to work as per my rules, allows me to be creative, to take initiatives... a work where I get to travel and meet people, where I work not only from my mind but from my heart... The NGO Sector is a sector where I have good contacts, I have so many people who knows and appreciates me, I have great recommendation letters from firms like MSI. This is my place. This is where I would be.
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The new workplace is 30 km away from home. The perfect reason for me to move out. Have already spoken to mom and dad. They are not happy but they don't see any option. I am quite determined this time. Would start looking for a one room set soon and then........
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Lawyers don't win or loose...the clients do

Phew........

Today 10th of April marks the completion of one of year of my active blogging....(huh big deal)

As I was going through my old post I realised in this one year life has come to a full circle and am back at square one...once again stuck with that same diealma

This one year of blogging has made remarkable changes in my life....blogging is by far the best chance event of my life...gotta say a lot about it...will do later...
Meanwhile here I repost my debut post...

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Sunday, April 10, 2005

This is my first post, i am trying out this blog to share my strange but wonderful, bizarre but happy life with everyone out there. I have seen 28 winters so far. Although not very successful and happening but my life has been great a roller coaster ride so far and i am pretty sure i have a lot of interesting things to share. i take life as an experience and an experiment. i constantly thrive for change and novelty. i havent met many people of my type and hope to meet them thru my blog. if any one out there finds my posting interesting get in touch.

All of u watch out for this space cause you gonna get a peep in my life and its gonna be a one heck of an experience.

Truth is stranger than Fiction. I strongly believe in these lines. I also have done some value addition to it. Truth not only is stranger but can also be far more scary and bewildering than fiction. Whosoever said these words must have been a person as bewildered and confused as I am trying to handle truth.

What is ‘truth’? Its something that’s there, has occurred or is occurring right at this moment. I was born is a truth, the earth is revolving is also a truth. Something that’s bound to occur - truth. For eg. Sun shall rise tomorrow, or the water in the ocean shall still be there tomorrow. Truth is sometimes known to us. Things we know as a matter of fact or matter of our senses. Rose smells sweet is a truth. Sky is blue is a truth. It can be a combination of things we know and we don’t. JFK died. He was murdered, a truth who killed him? We don’t know. But someone did kill him that’s the truth even though we would never know who.

Coming to ‘Fiction’. Fiction is something that we imagine. Free from all inhibitions. There is no limit to how much one can tread into the world of imagination. I am free to imagine that I was born with wings but my parents thought it wouldn’t be a good idea have such a charming daughter with wings so they snapped them off. So I wont fly away. I can also imagine that one fine day I wake up and find that I live in a room with walls made of roses roof made of silvery grey clouds and floor made of turquoise water. Strange it is.

How strange can our thought process become while we create a fictitious world. I can throw a challenge to one and all. I’ll give all of you a situation and then will ask you to make your imagination run as wild as you possibly can. Lets see how strangely can you think. Then in the end I will tell you my truth. Truth that I can bet will defy all fiction. Truth that you haven’t read in books, or read in mythologies and legends, truth that no poet wrote about or no painter painted.
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I still have'nt written about this truth. Will do.

My Favourite Men

Aamir Khan

A man who has always stayed away from the media, rarely attended a Celebrity Show, be it awards or other cause, in the past decade, his movies comes after a gap of 3-4 long years, he endorses just few products........and yet is always ruling the Indian Movie Goers mind. In an industry where you are only as good as your last release, where no one remembers if you don't stay on the charts, where there is Shah Rukh Khan is the king and Amitabh Bacchan is God...Aamir has managed to grab a place so special, so high up above, so strong...that he is beyond all comparison.



In one of the Coca Cola Ads.

There's just nothing that can beat this man. A self made success, if I have a role model that's him.

Robert Deniro

He needs no introduction, if there is any actor in Hollywood who is synonymous to versatality that is him. From being funny to scary to romantic to satanic he has done it all with equal ease and style . Can't get enough of him...



Aka Don Vito Corleone. I think I liked God Father II more than part I because of Robert.


And that's his famous famous pose..."I am watching ya"

Tom Cruise

The ultimate good looks. I can't ever fully explain how good looking do I find him. Ok I know he isn't the tall dark handsome kinds...but there is something about him...simply irresistable...and some how I feel he is a great person too...

Oh c'mon isn't this the most good looking face on earth?

As Lt. Daniel Kaffee in "A Few Good Men". This is the time when he looks blankly at nothing giving that one last thought in his mind "This is it, I have to do this" before he puts Col Jessup on the Stands...
One of the reasons I like him so much is because he played both of my favourite male charecters for all times past and present. Lt. Daniel Kaffee and Jerry Maguire.

Ronan Keating

Was in my late teens when I first heard Boyzone's cover of 'words'. There opened a door to a new world. The romance with these 5 Irish Hearthrob continued for 5-6 years. We went through a lot of ups and downs, been through love and hate...

Those were different days back then, Channel V and MTV weren't colored basanti yet, they used to air informal inteveiews, biographies, News...Me and my sister used to do late nights to watch the MTV Indonesia Programs....everything about them was of concern...from their toe nail to their pet cat, their girl friend, parents....it was crazy....

Ronan inarguably the most talented of the bunch flied solo one day...my focus gradually concentrated on him alone...and is till date one of my fav singer.


Ronan has associated with quite a few big dadys in the industry, his first album had a collaboration with Bryan Adams "Its the way you make me feel". The Fourth album which contains the past hits had him collaborating with Yusuf Islam (formerly Cat Stevens) on Father and Son

However, inspite of hits like "when you say nothing at all", "Life is a Roller Coaster".... Ronan has a long way to go. Personally, I think he has got excellent vocals and would sure make a mark for himself some day.

And oh yeah he is one hunky guy too....... :P

And finally 'You'

Coming outta that dream world.........

Lemme talk bout the first man in my life whom I have looked at and felt he can be the one I can spent the rest of my life with. No, not in love yet, no butterflies in stomach or anywhere either, just find him special. If there is anything called "liked a lot at first sight" its that. Just known him for 2 months now, but we happen to connect great we both like each other. What next?

I don't know. Ideally I would want to be into a realtionship, a commitment, see each other for couple of months and then may be ask him "where are we going?" At the moment would want to be a little more than just friends..... But then we want so many things in life, how many do we get, and we only get what we are destined to........

A good friend common to both of us have been giving him these hints bout what I have in mind, hints to such extent that even a donkey would know who is she talking bout....

him - tell me who is she
my friend - She is one of x y and z
him - is it x
my friend - No its certainly not x
him - and it certainly can't be y
my friend - then who is left?
him - [silence]

Tell me do you still need to hear it from me. Why do you wanna know? What will you do? Did you ever ask the sun who does it shines for.....you long for the warmth of sunshine, you go get it.

I have faced rejection thrice. Twice at my face, once through one common friend. All petty crushes, I got over too soon, but what I felt while being rejected was too painful. I carry all my baggages with me. I act apprehensively. Men, I have been romantically inclined towards, have only hurt me. Most of them are too coward to face the girl from yesterday and I hate loosing friends.... I don't want to loose your friendship.

Sometimes a man can be very shy he doesn't wants to make the first move, then the girl makes the first move, he makes the second and they move on. Then there are other times when a man doesn't wanna make any move at all because he have got nothing to do with her or her feelings for him, but he would still wanna hear it from her mouth just cause it boosts there ego. I don't know which kind are you. You are too secretive about yourself and I don't wanna take a risk...No am not such a dare devil.

Every incident in my life alters one of my traits forever. Rejections made my feelings for someone reciprocative. I might have feelings for someone cause he said he have them for me. In those rare occassion when it doesn't have to be reciprocative, when I myself tend to like someone I try being extremely secretive about it. Like I mentioned in one of my previous posts I have been liking some one for more than 15 years now and he doesn't have a clue. I can't reach out. It's very difficult to seek. Am making a lot of exceptions in your case, thanks to blogging... am saying a lot. Hope you get my point.

One heart beats somewhere
One soul longs
One mind thinks
One for one
Could that be me? You ask
Don't wonder
Ask your heart
whom does it beats for?
Follow it
The twain shall meet if destined

You

If this was a perfect world, This man would have been my perfect man and we would have fallen in love so very perfectly that we would have lived happily ever after....

Thanks god this isn't a perfect world

Talking about dazenamused. I have been reading his blog for quite some time. Though he has deleted most of his previous posts now.... a darn honest dreamer, wishing every moment of his life could be that perfect moment of ecstasy.... but realising everything is just a dream not for real. Like a kid he is ready to give up everything he has for a small little nothing, say a smile on that special someone's face, but lost his innocense in being wary about every thing and being around. He tries in vain to be ruthless, to reject the extended hands, to scare away all of them...and when his defence mechanism doesn't work he sheds silent tears and burts into cruel laugh...

To you, that's what I could gather bout you from your blog...that's the way you are in my dream, don't try to correct me even if I am wrong, let it be....

Mirage, this feeling
Beware, fight it
Stop
Look behind
What did you get last time
Remember
Hope is a fool's sweetest dream

I have been loosing all hopes of ever falling in love and having a relationship. It seems the two shall never meet, my parameters of what I want from a man and his parameteres of his woman. It all seems to be a long distant dream now of meeting someone, liking him, dating him for sometime, spend some nice quality time with him, get proposed by him, actually hear the words "I love you" in a real person's voice, have those silly fights and then plant a kiss of sorry on each other's lips, those dreaming together of a home....none of these sweet nothings are ever going to happen in my life it seems.

Go f*#* yourself....

I am so sick and tired
of people throwing tantrums at me
of people taking me forgranted
of people hurting me and not even realising
of people lying to me through their teeth
sick and tired
of myself
of my silence
of my acceptance
of my not so fake smile
of that ache right in the center of my heart
of that star in my eyes
of that touch in my hands
why don't you all get it
I am for real

Some times I wish I could truely express myself. wish I could yell at the top of my voice tell you how much I hate you, tell you how I hate you for the silent tears you brought to my eyes, hate you for the way you took me forgranted and gave me crappy fundas "Expectations are wrong", I hate you for telling me you will make it upto me someday, after turning me down on a day as special as my birthday......... I hate you for lying to me through your teeth and thinking you are actually fooling me... I so want to tell you "I always knew you were lying".

I wish I could get back to you and tell you what I really think of you.... I wish I could tell "you are a coward and a hypocrite, you can't stand by your own words and you accuse me of being double minded, you have no spine, its such a pity you are ashamed of your own feelings for me, such a pity the only way you could fight with those feelings was by escapism..."| "you kept on pushing me, I told you don't start anything I am keeping romance on hold for the time being but you kept insisting, you would call, chat, meet and then one day when I ask you, you said I never caught your attention, that you were never interested in me...who are you fooling? Get a life."| "You are so full of negetivity yourself, you can hardly find anything good in others, you are sick, all you can do is sulk, fret and frown about your situation you have no guts to get up and change it and then you blame others"| "You are nothing but a parasite, you use people, all those times you were with me twas only because you needed me. You kept saying one day you'd do anything for me, today when I am telling you I am going through a bad time I need you, I don't hear from you." | "when I had expectations from you was exited bout meeting and spending time with you, you didnt have time for me, I wondered and wandared around, I passed by your door morning evening and you never had time to take me around, why should I do it for you now?

there are so many of 'you' there.... I hate all of you

but I hate the way I forget how much I despise you everytime I see or hear from you. I hate the way I smile back at you, forgive you even though you didn't seek forgiveness. I hate my silence. Hate the way I forgot everything and gave everything I had and everything I could everytime we met.

I wish I could hold grudges, wish I knew how to take revenge...there is a fire within me which wants to come out and burn everything, but it can't seem to find its way....... one day it will... trust me you can never be happy over my tears....I have that in me

"Ode to Blogging"

Yeh Kahan A gaye hum yunhi blog karte karte ……..with all the 'celebrity bloggers' of India Uncut and Desipundit out there It was me who was giving a presentation as a Resource Person in a One day Faculty Development on “New Media Concept and Applications” conducted by Apeejay Institute of Mass Communication (AIMC). I was there to speak on the topic “Blogging – Individual as a global publisher”. I had the honor of sharing the panel along with Director, SPIC MACAY, Navin CR Khilnani, Director, Educational Multimedia Research Center, IIT, Roorkee, Dr. R Sreedhar and Knowledge and Management Consultant, Sairee Chahal.

The program was attended by the faculty members of various Media, communication, tech and B-schools of Delhi and the NCR.

Dr. Sreedhar, a National Award winner for Science popularization through electronic media, have over 3 decades of experience in broadcasting. He has served with AIR, Doordarshan, IGNOU, Anna University etc. and is presently the director of Educational Multimedia Research Center, IIT, Roorkee. He spoke about ‘New Media : Radio and TV.’

His presentation started with the Radio and TV scenario we had in 1970s and how conventional interaction has evolved through the 90s, to the 21st century audio streaming, video streaming, audio on demand. Dr. Sreedhar expressed his discontent with the Government’s policy which has not been properly utilizing the power and resource of the EDUSAT launched in 2004. It has 7 transponders, 5 national beam and 5 regional beam. The national beam is being used only by IGNOU, UGC, NCERT, AICTE and ISRO. His presentation had a lot of hi funda tech talk, which I failed to follow that closely, I got the gist of it though. New and alternative media is happening big time these days with all sort of latest technology coming to India in reasonable prices. The most interesting of all these being, how interactive radio (convergence of satellite, terrestrial and IT modes) can help in disaster management and how the MS Swaminathan Reseach Foundation driven project “Information Village Research Project” in pondicherry have actually saved thousands of lives at the time of Tsunami in December 2004.

The lack of government’s initiative with new media specially in the field of education and awareness was a constant focus of Dr. Sreedhar’s speech, which was later addressed by me in my topic “Individual as a Global Publisher”. While we wait for the government to take initiative we have an individual blogger already doing all that we can.

Dr. Sreedhar’s presentation was followed by Sairee Chahal’s presentation on ‘New Media and Social Networking’. Sairee is a former journalist and a continuing academic with interest in leadership development, post soviet economies, media, social networking and knowledge Management. She has been nominated as the India representative for Central Eurasian Studies Review. Talking about social networking she runs and moderates a Network of 2000+ members on Ryze.com, namely NCR/Delhi Network.

Her presentation was quiet refreshing and informal. The participants were really interested to know more about social networking through internet. Sairee began by raising a very interesting question “how many of you here think social networking is bad?” There was a time when online networking and chatting was very tabooed and strictly prohibited for decent people. Today we have professionals who do their job earn a living through online social networking, we have professionals who don’t have a physical office and conduct their business entirely through communication on virtual world, their infrastructure, Laptop and GPRS/broadband.

The presentation mainly focused on how the way the various business network, social network sites work. There are about 200 of such networking sites, the most prominent being Ryze, LinkedIn, Orkut, Friendster, live journal, Yahoo Groups, etc. Interesting questions were raised like, a virtual community survives on the profile of its members or the content? How does the networking site owners make money, how can the moderator of the community make money, how do you control the spammers, why are the offline meets important when it’s an online community etc. The resource persons and Swagat Sen, Faculty member, AIMC who also was the coordinator of the program collectively answered all questions. “I owe my friendship with both Swagat and Sairee to one of the Ryze offline meets which we Ryzers call a ‘Mixer’, an important trivia on social networking which I immediately shared with everyone there.

When you talk about online social network how can blogging be far. Curious minds were already talking bout blogging in between Sairee’s speech making the perfect timing for me to begin my topic.

I too had a very refreshing and interactive presentation. The participants were as unaware as they were curious about blogging. The focus of my speech was individual’s power, role and freedom when it comes to publishing a little piece of his mind in the web. ‘Blogging’ an individual’s revolt against the fourth estate’s privilege, editor’s political monopoly, publisher’s economic convenience. Blogging a businessman’s platform to reach out to his customer, interact with them heart to heart, an artist’s platform to showcase his work, no more holding costly exhibitions, a non-techie’s answer to a software guy, “HTML isn’t the key dude, I have push button publishing”. Blogging an introvert’s paradise, an extrovert’s paradise too…coz he just can’t have enough of talking so is blogging, a loner’s ‘dear diary’, a community for net-workers….there is just no end to what you can do on a blog.

My speech was also followed by a live demonstration of my blogs, the Ryze network the Yahoo groups, blog service provider sites like http://www.blogger.com/, how to create a blog in 3 easy steps. Also featured were Tsunami blog by Peter griffin , personal blog of Encounter Specialist Pradster, Desipundit, Delhi Blogger’s community blog etc. Talking about individual’s stand in the web I started my demonstration by doing a google search of my name. My blog “This is my truth” was at # 1 in the search results. We have companies who work hard just to get that. And here I had my name at the # 1 position for almost no efforts of mine.

Some very interesting questions came up in the Q & A session. How much space is allowed to the blogger? Unlimited. What is the validity period for a blog? Infinity. Cost? Free. People were actually amazed by the answer, one of them just couldn’t believe it. “You mean once I open a blog its there till infinity unless I myself delete it? And you mean it could be as big as I want? Well yes unless your blog service provider goes bankrupt or their server crashes etc.

The Apple people were there to demonstrate the way pod-casting works, which was pretty cool. Its amazing what all you can do. Record an entire session of lecture and publish it. Record a presentation and publish the voice, the video and the power point file all at one go.

The finale was by Naveen Khilnani, the director of SPICMACAY talking about how SPICMACAY and other NGOs have been using the new media to promote their activities. Due to time constraint his speech was cut short a little and he mostly spoke about the Digital Heritage Laboratory (DHL) : Using Innovatvie Media Technology to Spread Cultural Awareness. DHL is a project undertaken by SPIC MACAY in association with IIT Delhi. It is meant to provide the first few steps in the cultural education system using the latest in technology. Under this project, an apple computer equipped media laboratory located in IIT Delhi has been made available to any and everybody willing to use it for any project related to the promotion of Indian culture and heritage.

With these wonderful thoughts of Naveen regarding our cultural music and art and heritage the weird jargons that we were listening since 9.30 in the morning were finally taking a backseat.

The day ended with distribution of certificate to the participants and souvenirs to the resource person. They gave me “The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari” I am a lawyer remember. This is the first time I gave away certificates. So far I have only received certificates. 'Twas something special for me.

My heartfelt thanks to Swagat for making me a part of it of this wonderful event.

When I started I didn’t know where I was going…now I know it was one of the best ‘chance’ things that happened to me…Blogging.

Its been so long that I got tagged...Finally responding

Was tagged by Beautiful and Insane by the same tag...and if I am not too wrong the most popular one recently... 8 points of a perfect Lover am making it 10 somehow just can't do in 8.

Target - Male
availability - haven't found him yet

1. He should be intelligent and cultured.
   
2. Should have a brain that thinks a mind that opines and speaks a heart that listens. He should have a thought process, should have a strong set of believes and should respect his believes... its immaterial whether I believe in what he believes in or not...
   
3. Should be sympathetic, kind, considerate and helpful.
4. Should be an extrovert and a crowd puller.
5. Should not be judgmental, should not be fussy, should not crib, fret or frown.
6. Should be strong mentally and physically. I like being taken care of...I like being scolded when I do something stupid
7. Should be adventurous and sporty. I have a fantasy of going on adventure trek with my lover...we trek throughout the day and make love in the night...we explore nature together... we leave behind the world and remember just each other.
8. He should be honest and open. I don't like people who keep a lot of secrets. And one single incident of lie is enough to blow up a life time of love and affection
   
9. This one might sound strange but he should be possessive about me coz I am gonna be possessive about him. I should mean the world to him (and should definately mean more than his mom to him)
   
10. And the award goes to..... he should be passionate...about anything...preferably me...but will do even if he is passionate bout his car, his books, his work, his hobbies, his believes.
    

So there goes....the perfect menu to jeopardise all chances of a marriage :D

Am not tagging anyone except my Sister coz this thing has become passe I believe.

Beautiful and Insane, I did it at last better late than never what say? Thanks for tagging :)

Some times you gotta give a little piece of your mind to people.........lest they start taking you too forgranted. I went to Nagpur for an interview in an NGO. They have sent me an offer letter yesterday and this is what I mailed them today...........Read on........

Dear Madam,

This is to let you know that I have received your offer letter for the post of Documentalist. I have to regretfully mention here that the amateurish way in which the interview process have been handled so far by your organization is not expected from an Esteemed organization like YUVA.

As you are aware I had applied for and was called for the interview for the post of Project Coordinator, Para Legal Studies. I applied for the said post given my particular interest, field level experience and expertise over the subject 'Para Legal Studies'. In the face to face interview dated 7th February 2006 with the Executive Director it was deduced that my inability to follow Marathi Language is the only hindrance as far as Documentation of the Project Activities were concerned. Given my Legal Background, my personal contacts with the socio-legal experts and my work experience I am confident I could have contributed exceptionally to the project 'Para Legal Studies' and taken it to a higher level.

However it seems there has been a misunderstanding between what I thought you were looking for in the candidate and what you were actually looking for. As per our telephonic conversation post interview I was told by you that I do not have enough experience of documentation, it is surprising that you are now offering me a post of Documentalist, a post for which I did not apply. I also do not understand why would the organization need an Advocate with almost 4 years of experience for the post of Documentalist.

Further, it seems there has been a communication gap regarding the remuneration. I had clearly mentioned my expectation, so as to avoid any confusion in the later stage, and decided to come down for the interview to Nagpur only after you agreed to offer a package of Rs. ******/-.

Everybody's time is precious. If we do not have clear perceptions and proper focus everybody's time shall be wasted. It seems YUVA's perceptions regarding the Post, the pre-requisite qualifications, the job profile and the remuneration was not very clear.

I hope we associate with each other for a more appropriate post and project in the future.

Please Forgive my Honesty.

Thanks and Regards

Going through a strange feeling today.

Going out to a weekend trip to Jim Corbett National Park with the Lets Go group. This is our first backpacking. Mostly new members are going the original members have long disassociated themselves from the group. I wasn't also bothering to initiate any activity...couldn't think of anyone to form a enjoyable team... Suddenly these new bunch of nice super-active enthusiastic guys have joined the group, Snigdha along with these new people arranged the trip...I am very exited...love these kinda trips...

But there is one thought in mind, one feeling...apprehension...of loss. Whenever I go out to such trips I find someone special, last it was Shashant, before that it was Munish...we start of great..become inseperable on the trip...as if we were friends for years...but then at the end of the trip I can never hold on to whatever I found...

Munish never spoke to me after we returned from Vizag, I never asked he never said anything. We continued being at the same organisation sitting next to each other for another month but we never spoke...He again joined my next organisation worked there of one whole month...we pretended to be strangers..still remember that day when I was missing the good old days, was feeling low, keeping quiet...Manoj figured out something was worng with me and kept insisting to know what was it...I told him "I am missing someone I lost", he offered all sort of help to find out my lost property, "who is he? you have his number? Give me, I will talk to him, your other friends must be having contacts with him... what happened, how can you people not even be in talking terms..." All the while Munish was standing right next to us and Manoj didn't have a clue...That's the bizzare truth of my life I keep referring to....wonder what would have been Manoj's reaction if I would have told him the person who we were talking about was standing right next to us...

With Shashant, I kept on thinking what can go wrong, what is going to screw this friendship up...couldn't figure out anything...but then he was based in Bombay when we met...and Now he is in Dubai, although we are as close as we can be and keep in touch through messenger but its never the same given the distance...

Today once again I am going through this feeling, what is it that is going to screw us up? Met this guy couple of days back...we are going on the trip together. He is just the kind of guy I get along well...Of what I know him, fits into the definition of my ideal man perfectly, is based in Delhi, we have become good friends, I know we gonna have a good time in the trip, but then what will that be which will ruin everything...i know there will be something...just wonder what

Writing this post just to reaffirm how short lived and predictable is the end of all my relationships...will come back and write how and what screwed up... Going for something knowing its never gonna last....such an act of bravery, which I do all the time.
------------------------------
Addendum (Post Corbett Trip)

Surprisingly, nothing went wrong, nothing got screwed...and nothing went overboard either.
Current Mood : Happy
Health : Not well
-------------------------------
Addendum II (3rd March 2006)

Writing this blog has become a risky affair. A lot of people who know me personally are also reading my blog. Its not a good idea to write just about any and everything cause people ask questions. The guy bout which I am talking in this post has raised quite a few eyebrows and some major curiosity amongst the Corbett trippers...who is this guy?? I promised the fellow trippers I would put up a clarification but now when I am actually adding this addendum, I am thinking why should I put up an explanation? For what purpose? Only that much is meant to be public as much as I write rest.......all the readers are free to assume whatever they want to......for the simple reason that it doesn't matter........doesn't matter who he is that guy? doesn't matter what I am feeling? Doesn't matter anything to anybody, not even to that guy... Its not the same person the one you met in real and the one you meet here on the blog....so don't try to relate the two...

So don't wonder and don't ask me anything either...

Autobiography...in bits and pieces

Having read this ...

A lot of music lovers here (where doesn't matter) have been entertained by one talented singer called Adnan Sami. I have liked his songs once in a while too...But there is some thing about him that bothers me. His music videos.

Quite a few number of his video features him and some of the most gorgeous bollywood actresses in an romantic atmostphere singing and dancing. Adnan is exceptionally overweight. And the actresses are obviously have figures. Now this fact, about our entertainment industry, that beauty of a woman is directly co related to her vital statistics and it just doesn't matter how good is the body of her male counterpart is, disturbs me. Just try to recall have you ever seen a fat female been paired with a worked out male. Why can't these video directors get real..if you gotta feature amisha patel why not put Hrithik against her...why Adnan...or better still feature me next to Adnan

Women is to beauty and men is to money. Why do we have this concept. I am a survey person. Research and survey is my hobby and I got it from my own tryst with this thing men say "Beauty is not the main thing". Oh c'mon, it so is. I used to believe it earlier and then I was disillusioned. Once, and then, and then again and again. Finally I got tired...

{Flash Back}

I have always known I am one of the ugliest people born. At least I, haven’t seen a face, uglier than mine. Am not doing self pity. Am just aware of the truth. A fact is a fact. And ya, there have been times when I have been a little upset about this fact but that’s not self pity. I am proud of myself in quite many ways and I know I am an wonderful person.

Right from that age when we start having petty crushes on the opposite sex I knew my life is not gonna be the same as every other girl. In those days when I was in my teens we didn’t have this parallel universe called internet. At that time, Co-ed Schools, Tuition classes, morning/evening walks in the neighborhood park, social gatherings, common parties, neighborhood activities, religious get-togethers these were the places where teen age kids used to meet and express their interest in each other. Exchange of sweet gestures, a glance or two or may be a flower. A pink letter written in innocent hand writing saying “I see you on your way to school everyday, can we be friends?” Come Valentine’s day, Rose day, Friendship day and I used to see these cute girls hiding flowers, stuff toys, greeting cards in their school bag. I used to see their joyful, victorious smile. “I am one rose up you” they used to smug. None of these ever happened to me. Presumably for the simple reason that from a distance just by looking at me no one was interested. Of course if one comes close to me gets to know me I am one of the most fascinating person. But then in teens who tries to get to know. I knew this and I had accepted the way things were. I was never too lonely to bother about it anyway.

I studied in a Girls school and a Girls college so all through the best days of my life I only had female friends. By the way, to all parents, it isn’t a very advisable thing for any kid. Anyway so we used to have a big group of friends. All cool n bindaas girls and I used to be the leader of the pack. Was everybody’s Sanju Boss. But before even Sanju Boss had her day I used to be a shy introvert kid hugely suffering from inferiority complex. Eventually I realized I wasn’t meant to catch attention easily, knew I had to be different to get that. And there started a never-ending eccentricity of being off track. I started breaking out of the usual patterns. 9^th Standard onwards was born Sanju Boss, hated by the good students (the winners), liked by the mediocre students (the runner ups) and worshiped by the back benchers (the loosers) I was and am the Leper Messiah.

To be more precise there happened an incident to trigger this change, some thing happened, something that changed my life, for good.

I had liked this guy for some couple of years. A neighborhood guy I used to always watch him play cricket in the colony ground. For couple of years I only liked him and then I felt this urge of being with him. I am comfortable doing this. I can go on liking someone without ever telling him. There is this man, the most good looking guy I have ever seen, I have been admiring him, his good looks, his mannerisms, his style his everything for almost 16 years now and he doesn’t have a clue. He is Nitai…would talk about him some other day.

So I liked this guy and have now decided to tell him that. I have always played an agony aunt to all my friends. Have helped them write love letters, doing the ground work by giving the guy a call and talk, you know we didn’t have sms and chat those days. Of course I didn’t get any kind of help from them when it was my turn, which is understandable, if they knew how to help they would have helped themselves. So what I did is write a letter to this guy, Jaspal, in the best of my handwriting, actually put it in a pink envelop and post it to his friend, Ashwini’s address. The letter carried my feelings for Jaspal, said, “I like you and would want to be with you. Can you please meet me on so and so date, outside my school, after my school is over?” But it didn’t reveal my identity. For that he had to meet me. I can still feel the mental unrest that I was going through while I was writing, affixing the stamp, dropping it in the letter box. That evening, standing in my balcony, I saw him reading the letter and his friends circling around him, every heartbeat was like the beating of drums…every moment was passed in a strange sensation.

Finally, the day came, 7^th of Jan. He and Ashwini was there in front of the main gate of my school. Since morning that day I had written another letter to him to be handed over when we meet in person. Can’t remember what all did this letter contain, the main point was “I am ready for a rejection and this is what I have to say to you while you reject…” and I remember it was something very emotional, had poured my heart out on paper.

Feets trembling, butterflies in stomach, throat drying up, voice weakening body still some how managed to walk up to him, extending my hands for a shake and with a wide smile on my face I spoke in a shivering voice “hi it was me who wrote that letter calling you here”. He didn’t shook hands. He gave me a look of disgust. My hands were still extended and the smile still there…I said, “can we be friends?” He didn’t say anything but shook his head in negation. I pulled my hands back tried to hold on to the smile, which was about to vanish. I held out the letter I had written, he wasn’t ready to take it. Ashwini took the letter and I just ran away from there and got into my school bus. I don’t know if rejection feels the same way to all…I was shattered. For almost a month my life was in ruins. I wanted to hide my face from him and everybody else who is related to him. It felt like I was raped. Humiliation. I never wanted to stay in that locality anymore. I started walking with my heads down. I used to cover my face as much as I could with my muffler when he was around. I lost appetite, couldn’t concentrate on my studies, all I could do was feel ashamed of myself, hate myself, curse myself for making a self mockery in front of him and his friends. Gradually I realize he has been decent enough to not make it public, and if at all he made it public may be his friends were decent enough to not give me that look, “oh she is the girl”.

A month later when I started getting back into normal routine, I wrote an entry in my diary. “I would never ever do it again. I would try to be a daughter my dad would be proud of. No more of this non-sense… I would never ever think of this stupid romance thing.” Incidentally dad read that entry and said, “I am glad you didn’t even give me an opportunity to scold ya”.

Everything changed after that. For years altogether I never had another crush. I killed the shy girl in me. Girls aren’t supposed to have crushes and fall for guys. It’s them who are supposed to fall for us… “Fall, keep falling, go deep down as deep as you can, never rise up again, I don’t give a damn, got no time for ya, you ain’t the only one falling for me and certainly you don’t deserve me.”

But I couldn’t keep my promise. Fell for another guy…

{Fash Back Ends}

I have now picked up this habit of surveying how many more men invariably say it and they invariably don't follow it. Like I said, research and survey is like my hobby

My Survey tool - Yahoo Messenger, Email, telephone, cell phone, sms, my Blogs, internet portals...etc.. Some of my Case Studies coming up. More tryst with the men kind also coming up.

29th Birthday

Morning

Hi, its my birth day tody. Cool. So whats the plan for the evening. No plans. I am going through the usual feel-low-on-birthday syndrome. Birthday is always a day which makes me feel low. It reminds me of all the things I wanted to achieve by this date but failed…of all those people who have forgot me, those who don’t keep in touch anymore, of all the friends who are there but don’t care to arrange a party for me, of people whose birthday I remember but who forgot to even wish me, of my singlehood…birthday is basically a day of bad remembrance.

Ideally friend's should be celebrating the fact that I was born, rather than I myself arrange a party call everybody and tell them hey guess what? I was born let's celebrate. And my friends, forget about celebration they won't even get a gift for me if I don't throw a party. And I am not throwing a party for such friends any more. Not all of them though, I'd say Snigdha and kreeti are exceptions.

Sis didn't wish. Asked Dino out yesterday and he turned me down. Haven't wished me yet. Me going out alone somewhere now...would come back and frown more about my syndrome
----------------------------------------
One memorable birthday

There was this time when I had a huge crush on this guy Sujit. I thought it was love back then, though now when I look back, I don’t think it was. Anyway, so he didn’t wish me all through the day. I was sad. Do I not deserve this much? I asked myself in the evening. Just when my eyes were about to be wet the landline rang and I picked up the phone. It was him on the line asking for the location of my house. He was there for me with a surprise visit and a nice gift. I was overwhelmed. “I love surprises” I had told him earlier. I wanted to run and hug him when I opened the door. Madhu and her then boyfriend (now husband) came over too. We had a small party.

Sujit got married lives at a distance of 15 min from my place. Haven’t seen him for more than 4 years now. I remember his birthday every year. Wonder if he remembers mine.
-----------------------
Midnight

Didn't move an inch from home all day. Was thinking of going out somewhere but felt unenthusiastic. Didn't meet anybody. All day spent in front of this stupid computer. No gift, no cards from nowhere, not even a cake. Was expecting a gift from sis. The least that she could do was say sorry that she didn't get any gift. Instead, what I got from her was her fundas (read shitty crap) on how gifts mean nothing, are actually for teenagers, am no longer in a age to expect gifts on birthday, "Just cause its your birthday doesn't mean I have to get a gift for you."

I recalled all those times gone by, each year I would think of a new surprise, would plan a month ahead and put all my energy time and resource to make her feel special. She was a kid then. Now she has grown up. Have her set of believes and understanding. Doesn't matter if I expect her to get me a gift, if she thinks its immature so it is. On her 16th birthday I made 16 colorful cards and hid them in 16 places in the house. Her and her friend's job was to find out all the cards each had a new message. The entire baccha party was so busy doing that and it was so much fun.

Another time most probably her 13th birthday, she was wanting to buy a music album of then popular band 'Aqua'. For months I kept telling her no they don't make good music, no point buying their album. She gave up hope of ever having that album. On the special day before she could even wake up I played the album at full blast. She went crazy with joy as she woke up to the tunes of 'Be Happy'. There was so much of love and emotion in the air. With time she has become mature and reserved. I can't see her emotions anymore and I am always wondering "are there any?"

One thing led to another and I had to cry. I only cry when I have a fight at home. The only people who can get tears to my eyes are my family for the simple reason that they are the only ones from whom I have some expectations. Let a 100 people forget my birthday I won't be as hurt as when 100s of them rembers but just one person from family forgets it.

That's how relationships are. Painful and complicated. You get hurt because you have expectations. But if you don't have expectations what good is that relationship.

Dino called at the end of the day. Knew he would. Sumit called from Bombay made me really really happy. Vipul and Gundeep called. Manoj smsd. Amit looking at my plight in the morning offered to take me out for a dinner. I, acting like a real jerk made him go around in stupid circle and then decided on a time and venue, only to cancell it at the nick of time. But whatever his sincere efforts to cheer me up made me really happy. Spoke to him for the first time. That guy talks so fast in so many languages. Shashant and Sri forgot. I smsd shashant and called sri. TF called in the evening to re confirm the venue for the xth DBM. She didn't know it was my birthday. Seema has been upset with me for a long time. She called too. Sid and Me sat online and told each other bout our special day. It was his birthday too. One sweet surprise call from Priya

Couldn't help thinking about MJ particularly towards the evening. Wish time had stopped back then on 23rd January 2004, few minuites past midnight, Durg.

That's how it was...my 29th birthday. Shit another year spent in vain.
------------------------------------------
Addendum

Ok this is real bad...Riddhi especially came online to wish me at sharp 12, she also sent me an e-card and yet her name is in not in the list of those who wished...even more bad.. she left a comment reminding me about that fact to which I said "I would put an addendum"...I didn't do that...Now what's worse is, she still loves me...Its exactly this kinda unconditional love that one should be careful of...you always end up hurting these people the most...While you were sulking about having no one to care for you...some one was there standing with a smile giving her/his every thing and you didn't even notice...

Thanks Riddhi...love you too girl...

We are celebrating the 2nd Anniversary of Delhi Blogger's Meet on Sunday 29th of January @ Cafe Coffe Day, CP from 4 pm onwards.

We would be discussing the following

1. Blogging viz. Creative Writin
2. Blogging viz. Mainstream Media
3. Blogging viz. Adverstising Tool

If you are a delhi wala who blogs and you want to contribute on any of the above topics we would love to hear from you. All are invited.

For any weird, stupid or silly question that might arise at your mind regarding this meet contact Me at the comments section or write to me personally at samyukta_basu[at]yahoo[dot]com. Am also available on Yahoo IM (samyukta_basu) and G Talk (samyukta.basu)

So see you there on sunday...

Tried my hand at absurd poetry as a writing exercise on Caferati...

Absurd?
Yeah absurd
Oh ok I thought absurd
you're so weird
weird isn’t absurd
Like I care
Care is absurd
Here, your paper
Yes that’s absurd
Pepper isn’t absurd
Paper is absurd
Knees hurt
Pain absurd
Getting cold
Axe is here
Hear something
Shrieks absurd
Power gone
You where?
At absurdicity my dear.

In life it is so very rare that you meet someone that you truely like and that someone also happens to like you...to find is difficult to keep is an effort...a lot of care and concern ...it is just that much and we fail to achieve...

That smile, that look, that thing...its very delicate, very fragile, if you find it carry it with caution, handle it with care...

I wanted to say those above lines to someone. Composed a mail 5 times with those lines but couldn't send...What's the point in saying. If he wants to loose me so let it be...It's not that I didn't make efforts to tell him. He knows I like him. He liked me too...wonder where in the line does the things get screwed. I have absolutely no idea what happened to us. Why did we just drift away. I don't know if he wants to see me again, is he ever gonna call me again? What will happen if I bump into him someday at some common event? Will we talk? May be we won't. I have already known how it feels to pretend like you were absolute strangers. Some of the 'YOU' dies inside and you are only half alive then. If that happens again I would be full dead.

I should have written this post long time back... the very next day I wrote the previous post to be more precise. That's cause me and dad were back being the best of friends the very next day. We have these fights always and then we forget next minuite that's how it has always been. Though the legal intricacies about that flat is still not understood and sorted out, but as encounter specialist commented I have left things to him only to be prepared to handle things later, God forbid, if they go wrong.

USAID suddenly (to my knowledge) pulled out all the funds and the project I just joined 3 months back is being shut down. I was really exited bout this project. I would have done a great job, too bad I didn't even get a chance to perform and now All my bags are packed I'm ready to go...

At times I think I have screwed up my whole career and am a looser big time. In this profession (or all profession i geuss) we have a very single route to follow, a single pattern...if you deviate a little from that set pattern you can assume you are never getting back on track. 1-2 years of work as a junior, when you don't get paid anything, you do all the running around the Courts, the drafting, copying, filing...follow your senior with those huge files in your hand. Then, you ditch your senior one day (you obviously would, coz he never paid you and now you have learned all that you could from him) and move on to either join a law firm or join some Company as a law officer.

If you wanna be rich and busy litigation lawyer you have to give 3-4 more years in that same position of an underpaid junior associate...so that not only do you pick up the art of litigation from your senior but you also build a rapport with all those client's who are not really happy with the way your senior has been handling the matters and you also have convinced them that you can settle the matter in much lesser money and time. Having done so you moved on to have your independent practice, the list of your senior's unhappy clients being your inventory...

I have been continuesly falling off from this usual track. I was in practice, then I joined a social research project then back to corporate and now again research...

I realise the lawyer/liar business is not really from me and am also not made for the corporate ladder at the end of the day I want to be extensivly involved in Socio Legal activism and right now I think I should concentrate on gaining more and more research experience. I am thinking I should start independent practice with the woman cell and juvenile cell cases, do some freelance research and also get started the NGO with Khurram da and RK.

Tough year ahead...so much to do...need some money as well, got car loan to pay and also wanna move out. Movings out means an extra budget. How are things going to work out...??

I have begin to have a bad temper. Sis says I become devilish when I am angry, I don't throw things though but I yell. I have these difference of opinion with mom every now and then and I yell at her, I say bad things to her. She was saying if there aint any way to stop the fights then it would be wise to leave. I think so too... I wanna be alone. More and more alone. It seems I can't make no body happy. Sis was asking where from all these anger coming....where from I ask?? I think I should blame it on all the men around me. I gotta keep away from all men who don't fall in the category of father, brothers, cousins, uncles, grand pas and bosses. They all bother me. They create too much of heart ache and tension... I need peace.

I am once again convinced I am not gonna get into marriage. I am a terrible person I won't make a good wife or a mother. With me there my family will never have a peace of mind...No point getting into a mess deliberately. Why ruin someone's life, why bring a life and then ruin it...

I feel like writing a lot today but am sleepy now...my next post has to be about why am I so angry at all men (except those above catagories)