Such is my curse

Last time I spoke to Manoj, he was supposed to leave for his home today, that is if his train ain’t cancelled. I couldn’t call him today so I don’t know if he has left or not. Called him a while ago his phone is switched off. Last I spoke to him we both knew we won’t be meeting before he leaves for kerela and the common understanding was “nevermind we’d meet once you come back”. Never occurred to me he is like a feather in the blowing wind, was like those rare dreams that comes true but only for a while.

Off late, he has not been taking care of his life. His career, his marriage, both up for a toss, had financial liabilities to fulfill, loans to pay. Had to leave his Gurgaon flat suddenly, gave away his car one fine day. When I met him he was a prince I saw him turning into a pauper. But, he seemed to never worry about any of these, an attitude which was surprising to me to begin with, but which soon became annoying. I started confronting him, “why don’t you take charge of things? Have you seen where to your life is heading? Don’t leave your job until you have one in hand. Take care of your life, it’s high time you pull up your socks and do something about it. Think. I don’t know if any of my words had any impact on him, he never gave a sign to show that they had any impact or even otherwise, he has only smiled and assured he IS taking charge that he has thought of a plan of action. I had asked him couple of times why can’t he go back home and resume his practice, he said he won’t do that. He came to Delhi with a dream, with a mission he won’t go back empty handed. He would have a lengthy justification for everything he does. Then he would have even lengthier justifications for not anymore doing those very things. This Monday when we spoke he told me he has booked tickets for Kerela, am not sure when did he make his mind to go, he said he would bring his wife and kid, give his marriage a second chance. Sounded like a sensible plan to me…and so…he is gone for good.

There was one morning last month when I was almost about to have a breakdown in that lifeless stock broking firm, where I never saw a human being in the span of 3 dead months that I spent there, I decided to visit that one place where I belong, the one place which gives me an identity, gives me space, gives me a sense of security, the High Court. I called him up, said, “I am going to High Court are you coming? His answers to me have never been a ‘No’. Also, it turned out that he had to meet one senior Advocate Sh. Aggarwal there for his work. He wanted me to accompany. I did. And I felt so good at the end of the day, having met a highly respectable senior, being able to sit across and talk to him on issues that interest me.

That day on my way to High Court, I had no idea why I was going there, what am I gonna do there, I was so clueless…the day turned out to be one of the most worth fully spent day, I owe it completely to him.

I went to High Court again today. Sh. Aggarwal wanted to invite me for a Lawyer’s Meet. He wanted me to collect the background paper and the invitation card today. He said he couldn’t reach through Manoj’s Cell. “He must have left for Kerela, Sir.” I said.

Now I am engulfed with an uncanny fear. He isn’t coming back. Why would he, why should he. Didn’t I tell him for his own good that he needs to go back and resume his practice. There isn’t anything for him here in Delhi. The more I think now the more certain I am. He isn’t coming back. I don’t have his Kerela contacts. His cell isn’t working. I don’t think he has taken it on roaming.

Such is my life. Such is my curse. I am fatal, everything in my vicinity comes to an end only I move on. I move on only to witness more beginnings and endings. Walking over the corpses like a zombie. The only I reason I resist those tears from dropping this time is because I can’t let him be responsible for a single tears of mine. He can only put smile on my face.

Never occurred to me then
that you might be going for good
Didn’t occur to me
That you might not be coming back
If it did, would have at least said goodbye…
Would have at least told you what you meant
now I hope you read these line and know
that I love you so my friend I love you so...