A farewell It was

From being ‘my new job’ to ‘my great job’ to ‘my life is great job’ to ‘I don’t like it any more job’ to ‘sick and tired job’ today having completed a full circle it finally became my ‘ex-job’. I have had farewells before, in school, college, previous jobs but one heck of a memorable and emotional farewell it was today. All because of ‘Manoj’ one of my team member. I still remember the day he joined office. A fair, lean and shy guy of around 24-25 (which turned out to be 28) with a permanent smile on his face. For quite some time I didn’t see him speak or mix up with any body much. I wasn’t keeping a check on his work either. He was put in the other teams, then to another and to another. After all the 3 other team leaders has given up on him “‘Manoj cannot survive, No hope”, our group leader called him to ask what was happening, how exactly do you plan to work here Manoj? Where are we or you going wrong? In reply Manoj blamed it all on the team leaders and proposed my name as his choice of team leader. He has a strange innocence coupled with conviction in his mannerisms. GL gave him his choice. Since then the professional relationship and personal relationship has been intertwined so much and it has been a roller coaster ride. There have been times when I have totally freaked out on him, yelled at him, have felt like almost putting across the GL that “Manoj cannot survive” but resisted only because I cant give up. He, on the other hand has always been smiling bearing all the brunt. Always telling me what an inspiration I am for him, how much has he been learning from me and all that jazz. He put me up on a pedestal and kept raising it higher and higher. Strange enough personally we became thick friends. I mean he would lot of his mind and heart with me but I seldom did, I still don’t share any thing with him. I am mostly a listener. Ever since I have given the notice, he has been so exited with my farewell party “leader dekhna ab tak ka best party hoga, sab dekhte reh jayenge” that’s something which is very important to him. Everything about me should be the best he has to prove it to the office, the management that his leader is the best. I remember all those times when I was having it rough it was him who couldn’t eat or sleep, he would develop strategies to make things better for me. All through my bad days he has stood by me, he has told it this other guy “tomorrow even if the GL is against her I shall still stand by her” Today, in the farewell he was asked to say a few words to me (he being so close to me which everyone knows). His voice was choking and trembling, his eyes were moist, “ if there’s any point of saturation in this office for me that is this point, when sanjukta steps out of the office.” That’s all he could say, but he said it all. Back at his desk, I saw tears rolling down his cheeks. Every other guy tried to console him, piya came and told me “I guess he is in love with you”. I knew the answer to this but I kept quiet. Its not love. I mean it is Love but not romance. “duniya mein sirf ek hi rishta nahi hota hai, yeh log is baat ko samajhte kyon nahi hai” he said in the evening, when I told him what piya was thinking. True. I don’t know what to name it, not friendship not love but its one of the most beautiful ones. Never before in my entire life did any body cry for me. I wish I could pay him back with my own tears but I had none. I never do, I only cry in the privacy of my bedroom. I wanted to hug him, a friendly hug, wanted to lift his face with my hands and kiss him on the forehead, like a mother would kiss her son, but the people around, their mindset I know is too clichéd, too narrow.

I didn’t know he was this attached to me. I don’t know how to thank him enough…he would sure hold a special place in my heart…but I may never fully be able to tell him how overwhelmed I am.

The new place is a stock broking firm and I don’t know the a b c of stocks and shares… I just hope I pull it through. But before that I am going on the trekking expedition tomorrow, my first ever, 11 days…again I hope I pull it through…

Anti Climax

21st May 2005

It was a terrible day today, bad start with a horrible fight with mom and sis. It was upsetting, sad. I felt like leaving the house and never come back. I can do that. Have even had packed my bags, but alas the logistics did not fell in the right place. Could not afford to leave the luxuries daddy gave me. The fully automatic washing machine, the colour TV with cable connection, the gadgets in kitchen, dining hall, drawing room, the cooler etc and above all the PC with DSL connection (I think I have to ask some one now “tumhaare paas kya hai…echo till infinity). But I would leave someday. I am not gonna be daddy’s daughter all my life. Anyway so with a heavy heart and a terrible headache I somehow managed to pack my lunch and was off to work. Was a little late, reached by 10. On my way itself I knew I have to get some fags today, after That fight it’s worth it. At around 10.30 I called Anand told him when he goes downstairs for a fag he should call me. I wasn’t supposed to do this. I am his team leader but what the heck I have resigned already just a couple of days more, I have maintained enough of professional hierarchy all these days. Made enough of enemies doing that…”Sanjukta be more assertive, You pamper your researchers too much” my boss have been telling me initially and when Sanjukta finally became what a boss supposed to be (not to my own researchers though)…well why should any body like the boss. I think I am loosing focus here…So as I was saying… I have just returned to my desk, after having informed Anand and having finished up the routine stuffs check the timesheets, attendance registers etc. Soon enough I started having a strange feeling. Something was inside of me that wanted to come out. I could not concentrate. There was this strange feeling…like something inside me was going mad, wanted to escape my body it was running all through my blood, veins, trying to find a way. I was feeling giddy my eyes were about to close down…I didn’t know what was happening to me. I had piles of files in front of me. Monday is the last day gotta pack up and hand over the charges but I just couldn’t work, my head was about to fall into two pieces my hands and feet were trembling. Is it because of the fight? Is it some kind of anxiety attack? I thought may be if I smoke I’d feel better. Me and Anand we took a round of N Block. I had 2 classic regulars back to back. I could feel the smoke traveling through my throat reaching the lungs, but then suddenly it seemed like it lost its way, it started taking a trip of my entire body, I felt nauseated as it reached near my naval then again it started traveling upwards and reached straight to my head. At that moment the land beneath my feet moved a little I thought earthquake but Anand looked cool. I still felt the earth was moving. I told him to let’s go back. Back at my desk now I realized that the fags have actually deteriorated the condition. I thought I am going to collapse. I did for half an hour or so. I didn’t care if boss comes, I didn’t care if the juniors come. I just needed it. I buried my head in my hands and just leaned against my chair for about 10 min. Then I made some space on the desk to rest my head and spent another 20 min. Some thing in my body still bubbling and spiraling up trying to come out. While the body was thus reacting the mind was playing with thoughts, thoughts crazy and wild. May be I have that deadly killer fever attacking Delhi…may be some one near to me is in danger and needs my help. Heart beating faster and faster with every beat and pulse rating higher and higher. I wont say I slept but it was somewhat a small nap. Was woken up by the sound of an unusual ringtone “vande mataram”. I thought I just got some relief. The mind felt better the wild thoughts have settled down. The heart beat have slowed down. Apprehensively I pulled out a file and started going through it. It was lunch time by now. I didn’t know whether I should eat or not. Had no appetite. But ate nonetheless. Although I wasn’t sure whether I should take the regular post lunch walk or not after a little hesitation I went for it. Checked out Giggles the fun gift shop – wanted to pick a gift for boss kinda like a memento…didn’t like anything. Anyway so after the walk was over right when I was about to enter the elevator I felt I was feeling better……………and then it struck me. Goodness gracious it took me so long to figure out - that thing inside wanting to come out was ‘gas’…… I needed to fart… … oops was that supposed to be censored??? But we all have to one time or the other. Don’t we?? Sorry to disappoint you by such an anti-climax. I gotta run see the doc my ulcer started troubling me again (not that I know it for sure it’s an ulcer but in all probabilities it is).

Conversation Funny and Weird on yahoo messenger……

Guy #1 - Why are u still single?
Me – am not too sure
Me – you think about it and lemme know if you have an answer

Guy #2 – hi
Guy #2 – so u a lawyer
Me – yup
Guy #2 – who is there at your home
Me – mom, dad, sister
Guy #2 – no brother??
Me – no
Guy #2 – do u hav a pic……

Guy #3 : what is this MPS (multiple personality syndrome) all about?
Me : i have split personality
Me : there's only a thin difference between me and norman bates
Me : he wasnt aware of the switching over of the personalities but i am
Guy #3 : aaaaahhh
Me : another difference between me and norman, i am not a criminal he was
Guy #3 : oh i c...the plot thickens
Me: yeah, and the more u read it becomes more interesting and scary
Guy #3 : scary?...eh?
Guy #3 : watz so scary abt it.....so far it has been only interesting
Me: scary is when it comes onto you my dear, when u'd be expecting nice things from the me who is sweet and romantic and what you'd get is real pain in the ass

This is how this freak started the conversation which explains my subsequent reactions, pay attention to the last two lines…

Guy #4 : why are all bengali girls dissatisfied
Me : r u crazy
Me : who r u
Me : what on earth r u talking bout
Guy #4 : about every thing
Guy #4 : why bangali team members create lot of problem
Guy #4 : how come they find negative points in every positive thing
Me : do we even know each other? who are you
Guy #4 : No we dont
Guy #4 : But when ever I see a bangali on the net, I try to find the answers of my questions
Guy #4 : It is nothing to do with religion or regional boundries
Me : u r crazy
Me : keep ur ideas with urself and dont pass blanket comments like that
Guy #4 : when I was a front liner, I saw my bosses breaking theirs heads in eastern region
Guy #4 : Now I am facing the same problem
Me : its you who is going abuot doing partner search on the net at this hour, that's how u got my ID also, and accusing me of whatever u r saying....i havnt heard of any thing funnier
Me : it seems u r pissed off with ur life
Me : and looking for some vent to realease
Me : go off to sleep
Me : my sujjestion
Guy #4 : But you did not answer
Me : am not interested in question, do u even have one?
Guy #4 : I hate fish

Worst pick up line I have heard “would you like to have casual friendship with a young guy”

One of the sweetest compliments I have been given “You are like a novel to me, something new everyday”.

You Are 50% Normal (Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal... Other things you do are downright strange You've got a little of your freak going on But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

Why the hell do I take pride in the fact that I am not normal......:D

You are 87% Aquarius

How much do you match your zodiac sign?

...and another bit of information that was there on the site which for some stupid reason they did not provide here "Out of 68369 people the average score was 69%" Oh I am so proud to be such a true Aquarian...

I have to confess…

I have to confess that I am a lousy writer with endless pretensions. I have been wasting my time over the past few weeks, which is ok given the fact that it’s not precious any way, but what’s worse is, I have been wasting the precious time of so many of my blogmates making them read my sucking post which are nothing but results of my shameless pride which sprung up from an utter misunderstanding of my mind “that I can write”, that “I have a flair for writing”. After having poured whatever little thoughts I had in my mind decorating them with all sorts of catchy headings (confessions of crazy mind, durga durgati nashini jago and what not) this weekend I thought I’d finally read some of the popular blogs. Then…Oh then…did I realize where I stand in this blogger’s park full of intellectual professionals having off beat talents, great thinkers, philosophers…endless bloggers with such beautiful minds. This ‘realization’ in itself bothering me?

That’s not quite understandable I know, so for the convenience of YOU who is yet again trapped in my pretentious way of writing crap, reading yet another pointless post, post which is here only because I had to stay here (even if I am exhausted of beautiful ideas), post which is posted only to make sure that I CAN still blog, I would make it further clear why witnessing the immense talents of my fellow bloggers bothering me so much.

For first, I thought writing was my hobby (pretension again). Writing was never my hobby scribbling was. Every time a stupid crush would fail, every time my heart would break (for some silly reason), every time I’d have a fight with my mom or sis, I ‘d sulk, whine and cry and scribble in my personal diary. Who doesn’t do that? But I, with time, developed the arrogance of calling those spilling of emotions on diary as writing… I don’t stop here… in the backdrop of the recent blog bloom and with my latest DSL connection I decided to find out my way of being lazy in a smart way. I shamelessly copy the pages of my diary and put them on my blog…Why? Just cause I cannot be out of the race. If the world is talking bout it I gotta talk too…even if I don’t know the abc of what the world is talking about. Why? Just cause if I don’t participate in the talks I will go unnoticed, I won’t be able to make my presence felt. Why, It is important to make my presence felt, cause I am a soon-to-be 30 frustrated, lonely soul who doesn’t belongs to anybody, posing to be different, unique, special, smart and intelligent so some one would be highly interested in me and fall in love……huh ………As If.

I do everything with purpose, I go about telling people that I have multiple personalities just so someone might be fascinated with the idea. I make attempts to make my reader think in the way I want them to think… I don’t know a thing about poetry and I have an account in poemhunter.com just so that when someone does a google search of my name, it appears in the first page in bold letters…juth, fareb, makkari, banawat that’s what I am made with A pseudo lawyer, a pseudo writer, a pseudo everything…( I can hear you speak those words to me honey, the last time you spoke them to me…hope you are reading this)……

So I want to apologize to all of you who have left words in my praise earlier on my previous posts cause nothing is for real… thanks for being nice to me nonetheless.

I shall make a few promises to myself (which I know I am not gonna keep)

That I would not try to grab attention by hook or by crook
That I would let things take its natural shape and would not try to influence people’s thoughts
That I would not write posts just for the heck of writing them.
That I would try to be more innovative and real when it comes to writing, real writing.

I think I have filled enough space for a day’s post so I’d stop it here. This is not about my honest confession or my self realization, had that been the case I should have kept them to myself rather than telling it to the world trying to put the reader into serious thoughts regarding my state of mind or may be gather a few sympathy, but no this is yet again one of those post which is written cause I have no better things write about.

P.S. My love was not psuedo, I am not a psuedo lover....Its very easy to love someone plain easy and simple, it takes a lot of hardwork to love someone who is complicated and difficult....I was...I am...You gotta love back the person who loves you unconditionally...

Shyama -
Forgive me my Love
What is the curse for the sin I did, let the almighty bestow upon me
You forgive me
My sin was not in thy Book, sinner I am in God's feet
There God shall unleash his rage, retribution be silently accepted by me
Never shall be able to bear your unforgiveness........

Bajrasen -
Forgive her I could not
Forgive my un forgiveness my Lord

From ‘Shyama’ by Rabindranath Tagore, English Translation by me

More passing thoughts

"Nice talking to you" we invariably say at the end of each chat session and this is what quickly comes to my mind.........

How God proposed and man disposed. God proposed we speak through our mouth and hear through our ears. We now speak through our fingers and listen through our eyes (courtesy Yahoo Messenger)

confessions of a crazy mind

I am inanely attracted to one of my juniors.........I cant endure the fact that another junior is inanely attracted to me. It feels so eerie to see him falling for me.........How dare he. Off late I have been rude to him. The poor guy is trapped between me and 'padmaja'. 'Padmaja' this stupid girl who smiles at everybody, who doesn't know how to maintain a distance with the junior staffs. She gets too friendly, she makes people think in a certain way, she puts people up on a pedestal..........and when they have reached the pedestal I have to rudely knock them down.

Another sunday spent in "all plan no action". I thought I'd tidy up my room. I didn't. I thought I'd go out to some cyber cafe, get some of my pics (those I have taken) scanned and put them on my blog. I didn't. I thought I'd go and meet my friend and her Hubby before he leaves for Canada. I ............(u know what). When she'll ask me later why didn't I go I'd lie.....and I call myself an honest person!!

My blog is all about me. GOSH. Why can't I wrtie about so many beautiful things around me. How self centered can I become. Its all ME. My confession, My poetry. My Mind..................One of my reader said I want to project my self in a certain way......I am trying to convince the reader of me being a person which I necessarily am not. Could be I can't say........

I have an Attention Deficit Syndrome (Whatever heck does it means... I just have it).

I wanna go trekking in Har ki doon this month.

I am being born everyday..........I am curiosity
I am hated by the winner(s), liked by the runner up(s) and worshipped by the loosers...............- I am the Leper Messiah

wheel marks of high speed thoughts

Poetic thought of the day

You inspired me so I wrote a line, Together we sang the sweetest songs.
You inspired me so I followed you, Together we climbed the highest mountain.
Your smile inspired me (so i thought or was it something else) to paint you, together we became legends.
You inspired me to shed my blood, together we built an army................

Songs of the day

"You and Me all we wanna be Lazy" - by Suede, Album - "Singles"
"Superman (It's not easy)" - by Five For Fighting, Album - America Town

Quote of the day

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." - GB Shaw
"Life is tough, fight it. You were born to die, so fear not soldier coz you've got nothing to loose." - Leper Messiah

Yeah Yeah, how we all wish the same........

People please cast your valuable votes.

A NEW ALTO WITH POWER STEERING OR WITHOUT?

Also tell other bloggers to come and vote here....Thanks for your help and co-operation...:) I shall soon throw the party..........;-)

passing thoughts

I start thinking of thoughts for my posts. Couldn't think of any so I thought I better would visit some other blogs. It has somehow become a self imposed duty to leave a comment everytime I read a post (I hope all blogger's start having that sense of duty) As I begin to compose a comment ideas begin to mushroom in my brain. I quickly wanna finish the comment and come back to my blog to pour all that thoughts down. I realize its so much more difficult to have a lonely mind doing all the thinking and so much easier when you have more and more point of view coming together to create your own outlook. I realize how difficult it is for me to spend time with my lonely mind.

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One of my reader asked me if I ever have thought of becoming a journalist. Have I?.....Did I ever think of becoming any thing at all? I try to trace back my memory lane.........

When it was time for me to really make a career choice I couldn't think of becoming any thing at all. I had extremely low self-esteem, I thought I was good for nothing, I hugely lacked in confidence I was a scared soul. That was at my 10+2 level. Prior to that when it was time for me to choose my stream I was too lousy and had no mind at all. I still remember the day i exercised my choice. We were supposed to fill a form and stand in the respective Qs namely Humanities and Science. Mom told me repeatedly to take up science. So here I was standing in this Q surrounded by supposedly studious girls, with specs on their nose, blowing an air of attitude, their face demonstrated "I don't know you. My mumma told me to not to talk to strangers. I only study and score good. I don't watch chitrahaar. I only watch World this Week (Door Darshan was the only source of entertainment at that time). I don't break rules. I don't talk or laugh loudly when I am in public place. I don't talk to cheesy boys. I don't play 'gallery' or 'help chain' or 'lock & key' I only play chess and scrabble.

I so didn't wanna be a part of this group. My heart started calling me. The wilderness, the rebels, the path breakers, the pioneers from the pages of history started calling me. I looked at the other Q where coincidentally all my classmates were...making noise, giggling so much that they could barely stand straight. I wanted to be with them. Slowly and silently i changed Q............ thereby taking the most important decision of my career.

Today I wear a specs, read a lot, play all sort of games, rebel and raise my voice in some of the most unwanted situations, freak out at night, talk and laugh loudly in public, keep it very reserved at work, catch Govinda flicks and Clint Eastwood's dramas with equal enthusiasm, find out methods to legally break the law at work and go deep in thoughts on my blog..........wait a min........Have I made an insoluble mixture of my life???

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This stupid blogging is making me feel more and more nostalgic and lonely. Here's some more nostalgia.

Fun we had at school

Tried smoking, successfully did, on a chilled early January day standing under the last neem tree in the play ground. The only cover was that if any one sees from a distance she will think its the winter fog out of our mouth.

Checked out how a condom looks like....I didn't like it.

Our economics mam used to be the most strict. We used to cheat the most in her exams. It involved a lot hard work dont take it as easy. In a row of 3 students in each bench I used to sit in the middle with the book on my lap. The binding of the book have been taken off so now its just a bunch of hundreds of pages. Each topic has then been manually clipped with multicoloured gensclip (that's what we call them right). Pappy on my left used to be my partner in crime (she is gonna be a mommy this Aug). She used to keep a track of the colour of the clips. Oh yes they had some significance. Colour as per the topic. My job was to copy it. And they would both peep in my copy and write it. Mady on my right is weak at sight. She used to get very angry if I didn't dictiate her what I was writing.

We were once black listed (to be suspended) for having literally jumped off the school wall and go out on dates.

Passing Thoughts

Certain train accident occurred in Japan Couple of Week’s back. I remember Laloo saying “humko Japan wa de dijiye hum uka ek saptah mein Bihar bana deyi”. Well, that I thought was exaggeration on his part but 'Jesus' how ignorant have I been about the Super-powers of Laloo…He is the Railway Minister here in India and Trains getting derailed there in Japan. Ab Japan door nahin.

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The other day Dad came from office and told me "I have learnt how to do copy pasting on MS word document. "Ok great! Show me how would you do it." I opened a rough doc and asked him to copy certain part from there to a new doc. This is what Dad did....
1. See the background of this portion is black that means I have selected it.
2. Then I open and a new document by control N (a little wait)...aah here is the new document
3. Now I simply click on the blank space..........????????? Why doesn't it works.

Apparently they never told dad that after you have selected, you also gotta copy it and also gotta paste. He never used the right click. Lol.

But he is picking up. After spending 40 long years in a Central Government Gezetted post he was retired this January. His only dream to be fulfilled after retirement was to get the grocery and vegetable, take jango for a walk, laze around and spend a lot of quality time catching up with all Garam Dharam (his Idol) flicks. Alas, on 1st of Feb he got the offer and joined one of the top most Law Firms in India on 3rd. Since then everyday has been a day full of adventure and exploration, surprises and confusions for him. It surprises him to see all these world class lawyers themselves walking up to the coffee machine, there's no concept of peon no babudom. No one fills a jug full of cold water even before he reaches the office any more...No one changes his seat towels every day any more...There's no one to rush to his table saying "ji saab" every time he bangs on the bell any more...And what surprises him the most is that it's not only him who is deprived of these luxuries but every one right from the owner the big boss to the junior most trainee.
Well dad I believe you are getting to see the best of both worlds. Sorry, You still can't catch up with Mr. Dharam.

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Its amazing how some people never follow the trend. When every one been saying "hey send me an sms". He'll say, "honey text me up".

Samy will you call me, been ill for two days...or text me. though don hav no right nemore but been missing u."
That's one of the sweetest sms i have ever recieved. The other ones too were from him. This one brought tears - "honey i kno whre it hurts, twasn't a casual call, called coz i ws rude, called to say sorry (although he never said the words) pls get over it honey" One of the most recurring ones were som thing like this "thanks for helping me get myself i will make u so happier than others,thanks for bearing me love u lots." OR "honey u make me hyper.lol, lov u samy n miss u lots. wat abt a lunch somewhr just u n me? This one was on the last days "samy i talk home they r sayin knowingly they wont allow us to marry otherwise the decision will be mine for which they will be very much hurt"

Your love for me was real I know
It's just that you were too weak to stand up for your love
I don't blame you for any thing
I know it isn't easy for you to be happy
but we both have to be
life goes on.......try to find some happiness for yourself
Don't worry bout me.

Evita...

Eva:
I don't expect my love affairs to last for long
Never fool myself that my dreams will come true
Being used to trouble i anticipate it
But all the same i hate it, wouldn't you?

Eva:- so what happens now?
Che:- another suitcase in another hall
Eva:- so what happens now?
Che:- take your picture off another wall
Eva:- where am i going to?
Che:- you'll get by, you always have before
Eva:- where am i going to?

Eva:-
Time and time again i've said that i don't care
That i'm immune to gloom, that i'm hard through and through
But every time it matters all my words desert me
So anyone can hurt me, and they do

Eva:- so what happens now?
Che:- another suitcase in another hall
Eva:- so what happens now?
Che:- take your picture off another wall
Eva:- where am i going to?
Che:- you'll get by, you always have before
Eva:- where am i going to?

Eva:-
Call in three months time and i'll be fine, i know
Well maybe not that fine, but i'll survive anyhow
I won't recall the names and places of each sad occasion
But that's no consolation here and now.

Eva:- so what happens now?
Che:- another suitcase in another hall
Eva:- so what happens now?
Che:- take your picture off another wall
Eva:- where am i going to?
Che:- you'll get by, you always have before
Eva:- where am i going to?

Che:- Don't ask anymore.

From The Andrew Lloyd Webber Musical 'Evita' - Performed by Madonna

All day long I have been telling my self '2nd of May' what was special of this day. So many times I tried to remind myself but in vain. There has to be something bout 2nd of May.

At around 10 pm, I got an sms "the worst specie of friend you are. Thanks any way" Suddenly the lightning struck. It was her First Wedding Anniversary. I felt so miserable. Didn't know what to do. Saying "I am sorry" seemed to be a sattire, like jale pe namak chirakhnaI could nothing but keep quite. Its one of these moments when you can count upon your true friends... you commit the stupidest (i know i coined the word) of all mistake and yet be certain You would be forgiven. I can be rest assured tomorrow when I call her it will take some time to break the ice.....there would be silence at both ends, she will answer my queries in mono syllables and then she will burst yell a lot at me, I would be the silent listner and then everything would be just the way it should be.

I couldn't finish the post about my adorable nightmare the other day, i mean he didn't let me finish it. He came jumping and hopping in my room and gave me a stern look trying to tell me "what on earth you think you are doing. You have any idea what time it is. who do You think is going to give me the tabs the milk pedigree and what time shall we go for the walk." If after that look I don't get off my chair he will jump on my lap (sounds sweet but given his size......), bang on the keyboard, would divert my mind's thought process with the noise. so I had to leave the blog incomplete.

Any ways so once he is back from the battle field (that's what he thinks he is doing fighting a war when he is there on the road) it will be fun time time. I would try to watch TV which he won't like so he would try to grab my attention in various ways. Would first attack my shoes, it's not like he enjoys chewing it, if you are not bothered he would leave the shoe and attack other things like purse, books, newspaper, dad's shirts basically he will keep trying untill he has successfully made us running after him with the stick. I, he considers, am species of his own type (well some time I behave that way).I am the one who has spoilt him so much. I can't think of a day without him.

My Adorable Nightmare

That adorable nightmare is making so much of noise that even if a plane happens to crash on my head right now I won't be able to have a clue until it really does. Exaggeration I know but when he barks it's almost like that. Time for his calcium and mineral tablets......That crazy dog is totally in love with his medicines. He chews the tablets like he is having swiss chocolates. About 10 min later it will be milk and pedigree time followed by half an hour of walk (if only we human could call his leaps a walk)

I AM JELOUS
I AM PROUD
I AM SNOBBISH
I AM OVERPOSSESSIVE
I AM HYPERSENSITIVE
I ALWAYS WANT TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTRACTION
I DONT LIKE BEING IGNORED
YOU CAN EITHER LOVE ME OR HATE ME
I CANT GIVE SPACE TO OTHERS
BUT
I WANNA BE A BETTER PERSON

Awake and Arise women

Awake and arise woman. No one can help you until you stand up for yourself. Woman you are so weak. You are so scared. Scared of your feelings. Of your desires. Of your Dreams. You, lying in your bed waiting……waiting for someone to make you feel like a woman…don’t be ashamed of your desires tonight. Speak up. Ask with self respect, demand with assertion. And YOU there, Felling low and tired today. Your body breaking down with all the days work. Your mind not in the right place ever since you called up home and found out mom isn’t doing well. Say NO with determination tonight.Woman stop being scared cause you have got nothing to loose. Life begins from and ends at you.

Recently one of my colleague resigned. She has been born and brought up in Delhi. She resigned cause she is leaving Delhi forever getting married to a well settled educated guy back there in Kerala.“Good part is that they have told me I can study as long as I want.”She has told me when she broke the news.“But what about your awaiting judiciary results. Have you taken that into consideration when you said yes to the proposal.” I asked. “What about the results. Doesn’t matter whether I crack or not. There’s aint any question of thinking twice. I can’t let go off my marriage for my career.” Couple of days later the results for the Main UP Judiciary Examinations were out. She cracked it. The qualifiers are appointed as a Munsif Magistrate in any of the districts in UP. Eventually the person with seniority and capability can go up the ladder till becoming a High Court Judge. She left it all just cause she had to marry. The day the results were out everyone in the office were busy congratulating her. Phone calls and sms(s) were pouring down on her with loads and loads of wishes and congrats. I probably was the only one who didn’t. I failed to understand why people were congratulating her? Her success was so futile and her hard work so gonna go in vain. Good part is she can study as long as she wants. She would have been administering justice for Christ sake. But she can’t let the man go. She can’t miss the catch.

Woman stop being the one who catches. Be the catch no man would want to miss. You don’t need them. They need you

Just another day

It was just another day at work
My desk was not organized and
My boss been acting like a jerk

On my desk I see files piling
hardly leaving any space
For the coffee mug to be placed
My copier isn’t fixed yet and
My trash can overloaded.

The guy from the street giving me all the bad news
Of how the bull been hit by the bear
The pack ran out of cigarettes
and it aint a good time for a beer.

Deadlines are always such a pain in the ass
No matter how much I chase I seem to never meet the target,
And could never get rid of the gloomy phase.

To top it all I have all the men at work
Staring at my cleavage
And I see all the girls so jealous as to kill me out of rage

Just when I was thinking I am gonna give it all up
Some one flashed round the corner
Suddenly the wind blew,
suddenly a sweet smell was spread
Suddenly a flower bloomed,
suddenly a nightingale sung
Suddenly Shakespeare recited his favorite poem
Suddenly Mozart composed his eternal tune.

It was the thought of you, which changed it all
The sweet things you said last night
Flashed across my mind
And I knew there’s someone to pick me up if I fall

Some one commented that we blog for our own plesure and it doesn't really matter whether people read what we write or not. Well I don't think so. And of course like all times I have no scarcity of Thoughts when i come to think of as to why we blog

"Writing Comes so easily When you've got Some thing to say". The rest of the thought would presumably be "but no one to listen". At least that's why I write (lets talk of blogging here, shall we? to be more precise).

I am making this guess that most of us here in this blogworld are here to flaunt their writing skills. Although one of the most repetitive liners from the blog creator, coming as a response to the comments left in praise at the end of each post, is that “most of what I write is my random thought I wonder how you all find it interesting”. Quite a humble response I must say but honestly I don’t think its an honest line. Some where deep down when you say those words you have this feeling of re-affirmation which puts a faint little smile round the corner of your lips. True they are random thoughts, but then not every Tom, Dick and Harry can put their random thoughts into a smart, crisp, witty, intelligent and touching combination of words. Can they?? Or for that matter not every (read those three names I just took here) have random thoughts. One got to be a thinker to have thoughts. Thinking in itself is an Art an inborn Talent. Besides thinking is good, but sharing your thoughts with the world out there is even better. I have started to blog inorder to reach out. Off late i had begin to realize that there's just a handful of people I know. My contact list is so short. This wen I am the kind of person whose hobby is to talk to strangers in places like a public Q or a public transport etc. So I thought may be I will be able to increase the radius of my friends circle this way (blog).
Talking about thoughts trust me I can’t think of any thing more right now on this topic. As abrupt and end it might be but it’s better than going on for no reason. G&R been telling me for so long “every body need some time all alone”. So I better not try to get inside the mind of you bloggers and find out why you blog. :-x

I am sure plenty of you bloggers out there would not be agreeing with me. As a matter of fact you would hold an opinion which is the complete opposite of what we know as being ‘agree’. So do drop me few lines on your grounds of disagreement.

My thirst for adventure, variety and experimentation has forced me to put myself at such a cross road from where I can see two great roads ahead, one never meeting the other, never intercepting, both equally attractive, and am totally perplexed as to which one to choose???????? time is running out.......................and i gotta take the decision fast......tick-tock tick-tock.

Time for a big career move. The two identities having a tough fight inside of me, one trying to overpower the other. The 'Corporate Bitch', the 'Social Activist' While in my mind they fought my poor body managed to do all the days work without the mind. My eyes and hands did a good job pulling it through on their own. They worked without any supervision. My Stomach is a little laid back. It needs that push from the boss. So i didnt have any thing all day.

You Never Called

Gone are the days
when my phone used to ring
And a sweet caring voice used to touch a string in my heart
As I would pick up the receiver and say ‘hello’

A face of an angel used to flash in front of my eyes
As you would say ‘hello’ putting colors in my life
My heart would start pounding and My soul will take a leap
As you would take my name in a soft sensual and stammering way
And as we build up a conversation
I’d begin a journey with you
To an exotic locale
Deep through ocean, past over the mountains,
Streets of beauty love destination
Probably In the Atlantic or the Arctic
Just the two of us holding hands together

As we go on I'd feel life couldn’t be better
Wishing and hoping we could stay like this forever
Then we would feel it’s been a while
Time is knocking at the door
Saying its time to say 'bye'
Receivers will be put down at both ends
Suddenly I'd know Yet another splendid moment spent with my soulmate,
Just passed by

Now there is a killing silence between us
I don’t know why
If I could turn back and stop time
I would have never let you put down the phone saying “OK bye”

I have found a simple formula to be happy in life.

Remember the famous poet who said "A thing of beauty is a joy forever" and then the other great poet said "beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder". Now when we equate the two we get a beholder who can find beauty in everything around him and thus is joyful.

So to be joyful find beauty and its upto your eyes to find beauty...Simple isnt it.

A Gift for my friend

A friend of mine is getting married next week, here's a poem i wrote not for her, i wrote it two years back when another friend was getting married. I realized I have the same feelings towards this friend as well. Then I realized I have all my friends getting married one after the other. Then I realized I dont actually loose them as friends although at the verge of they getting married i and even they think the friendship is lost.

At the dawn of you making a whole new world,
With the man you chose
a time so emotional yet so conditional,
time that you have been waiting for so long,
a time so scary and so strong,
a time to say the unspoken and yet it’s the time to let silence speak
it’s the time when you can let your imagination run wild time when you leave your system stirred and lead without a mind
at such a time, I who have seen it all,
been through all your rise and fall,
the beginning and the ending,
the day you met the day you felt
all the laughter all the tears,
the storm and the twister
the spring summer autumn and winter,
the days at our school the days at the job,
time quietly spent time we broke the rules
I was always there to share every splendor,
You my friend had make that happen,
you made me a part of you
Thanks my friend for making me feel so special,
the way you do,
As you open the door of your new life,
we would be distant,
But these memories will always be there to treasure.

Here are my heart-felt wishes my friend,
for a fairy tale that lasts forever with joy and laughter.

Yesterday while on my way to office I was thinking a lot about my future. Was trying to draw a picture of myself five years from now. I have this uncanny fear in me of voluntarily being some one, which the other part of me doesn’t want to be. I always have known I have a dual personality but there are only certain times when I realize the extent to which both the personality prevail in me. One of these two personalities aspires to be this workaholic, smart sexy corporate lawyer. One, who can go to any extent to realize her dreams and fulfill her ambition. This is not only my dream or desire but also a real part of me. I can be all that if I want and sometimes I do become this person. Those times I buy clothing and accessory accordingly I think and act accordingly. Presently I am under the influence of this personality. At the same time I am worried about the possibility of the other person taking over this one. The other person is the woman in me. The woman for whom all that matters is a great man to love and be loved in return. When under the influence of this woman I want to be a good wife and daughter in law so that every one loves me. I am nice to every body around me I am shy timid. I keep a low profile I would want to be taken care of. I want my future husband to be a strong support who can take charge of things. It doesn’t matter to me if he doesn’t cares that I am a smart intelligent lawyer, if he doesn’t put me up in a pedestal. I know the person I am. Once given a responsibility I would carry it till my grave. I am not amongst those women who can in the attempt of balancing there careers and marriage would shrug off certain responsibility screwing up both not doing justice to either. I cant do that. If I marry I would fulfill all my duties as a wife mother etc. And I am afraid of this woman in me who might give up her career in order to take care of her family. I am afraid of being overpowered by the woman. I am aware of the possibilities of being overpowered given the fact that I am so confused as to what exactly I want from my life. Tomorrow it may happen that I suddenly find my true love my, soul mate, go overboard and get married. If it happens before I have found that high flying Job in corporate sector the chances of me ever getting there might just be jeopardized. Being lazy having a laid back attitude I might tell myself “what the heck I have found this great hubby so why the hell should I work now lemme just njoy every moment of the loving and caring. But I know I would not be happy for too long this way either. It’s one thing of believing in something and then your believe suddenly changing with circumstances but still you find happiness in the changed state. For me it doesn’t work this way. I know I would not be happy for too long in one thing I constantly need a change, some thing new. I should always have my option open. Option of switching to the workaholic. The most crucial factor in this whole apprehension of future possibility of MPD attacks is that I have to get into that serious business, that serious job with immense responsibility which I wouldn’t be able to shrug off even if the woman in me want to. If I don’t get into it right now it may never happen. So shoo all you men. I don’t need you in my life right now. First let the workaholic get sick and tired of work. Go away and see me after atleast 2 years. I don’t need no man in my life right now.

I must be Happy

Presently I am looking for a new start
You’ve been a great person
So I am not all in tears
If you’ll catch me in couple of years
You’ll See
My life is just the way it needs to be
Nice job, couple of kids and a husband
Who knows, when exactly you are happy
Is it the good food or the movie,
The car or the painting on your wall,
Is it the kids playing in the backyard
Or their father who won’t let them fall
Well for me It’s the one who originally meant to be
But you know that’s only me

Sometimes in life I have these moments when I feel low without reason. I had my life going all smooth, with every thing falling in the right place but then suddenly a pain in the stomach and a dizziness engulfing my body and mind. Don’t want to eat or sleep not do any thing. I try to find an answer but don’t know the question. I am suddenly going through that moment today. It’s a time when I want to be with some one but don’t know who. But then i guess all goes through this feeling some time or the other. There is so much you want to do, so much you want to speak and then you feel all have been said and done and there’s nothing more that you can do.

So you want to give up, but do you remember what was it that you were trying for? This is the time you wish you were a poet, so you could write famous lines or a musician so you could compose the greatest of all songs, the song of your soul. Well at the same time, if I am not wrong, you would be surprisingly not interested in any damn poem or song. “No poet can feel the way I feel” “what do they know about what I am going through?”, you tell yourself.

What do I do when I pass through these strange moments? Well I sit down with a pen and a diary and do exactly what I am doing. Write the way I am feeling. I don’t want to think about any thing its late at night and I don’t know what would make me feel better. But I know one thing for sure. Tomorrow I gotta go to work and that these moments would passé. That at my work I would forget all about what I want, what I don’t have, who hurt me, who left me… … I would be as usual busy in my work forgetting all the uncanny feelings until the next time when I feel the same. When will that be...soon

Some day again

Here's some thing I wrote in my 26th summer. It was One bright sunny morning when I thought "its been long we called each other. Wonder what is he doing. Why didnt call me all these days? We spend such wonderful moments last christmas and then suddenly he disappeared. May be I should call." So I called him and found out that the man on the otherside of the line was a married man.

Some day, again in the middle of the night
In my empty bed with my empty thoughts
I will remember you, I know
‘That is it then’, goodbye I said today,
But I will be blue again someday
will that hurt me so, that I don’t let you go?
No I say,
You can go like the morning always leaves the evening
and never meets the night
While the night never quite passes the dawn,
never gets to touch the morning light.
Someday again I’ll think of you,
but not with pain
There are things I will remember all my life
only to recollect them all of a sudden
On one such lonely dark night
When the world around me would seem to be empty
and there is no where else my thoughts could tread
I will think of thee

The First step

this is my first post, i am trying out this blog to share my strange but wonderful, bizarre but happy life with everyone out there. I have seen 28 winters so far. Although not very successful and happening but my life has been great a roller coaster ride so far and i am pretty sure i have a lot of interesting things to share. i take life as an experience and an experiment. i constantly thrive for change and novelty. i havent met many people of my type and hope to meet them thru my blog. if any one out there finds my posting interesting get in touch.
All of u watch out for this space cause you gonna get a peep in my life and its gonna be a one heck of an experience.

"Truth is stranger than Fiction". I strongly believe in these lines. I also have done some value addition to it. Truth not only is stranger but can also be far more scary and bewildering than fiction. Whosoever said these words must have been a person as bewildered and confused as I am trying to handle truth. What is ‘truth’? Its something that’s there, has occurred or is occurring right at this moment. I was born is a truth, the earth is revolving is also a truth. Something that’s bound to occur - truth. For eg. Sun shall rise tomorrow, or the water in the ocean shall still be there tomorrow. Truth is sometimes known to us. Things we know as a matter of fact or matter of our senses. Rose smells sweet is a truth. Sky is blue is a truth. It can be a combination of things we know and we don’t. JFK died. He was murdered, a truth who killed him? We don’t know. But someone did kill him that’s the truth even though we would never know who. Coming to ‘Fiction’. Fiction is something that we imagine. Free from all inhibitions. There is no limit to how much one can tread into the world of imagination. I am free to imagine that I was born with wings but my parents thought it wouldn’t be a good idea have such a charming daughter with wings so they snapped them off. So I wont fly away. I can also imagine that one fine day I wake up and find that I live in a room with walls made of roses roof made of silvery grey clouds and floor made of turquoise water. Strange it is. How strange can our thought process become while we create a fictitious world. I can throw a challenge to one and all. I’ll give all of you a situation and then will ask you to make your imagination run as wild as you possibly can. Lets see how strangely can you think. Then in the end I will tell you my truth. Truth that I can bet will defy all fiction. Truth that you haven’t read in books, or read in mythologies and legends, truth that no poet wrote about or no painter painted